I'll Be Fine (pt. 2 of 2)

fingers laced

holding my hand
we walk through the maze
back and forth
i navigate us around
back and forth
i pace
back and forth
i can feel you're trying your absolute best.
i can feel that you're on the verge of crying.
i drop to squatting, and i grab your chin
forcing you to look into my eyes
i can see the dead smile on your face
fresh from the kill
and your short little hair
you're captured so perfectly in cameras
but here you let out what's been bothering you
the warmth in your hand tells me you're still there
and as long as you're warm
you'll be worth it, worth saving
worth talking to and trying to understand
worth every moment i spend with you
and in front of me
i feel flashes
the face changes so drastically
9, 12, 14, 15 years old
i can see all of these ages in you
i can see when you were yelled at, screamed at
for not holding a light in the right place
i can see when you were first exposed to sexual content
while introducing trust issues in your life
with a partner who jokes about cheating
i can see when you first figured out you can like
more than just the other gender counterpart
and stressed yourself out about it horribly
i can see when you were first suicidal,
and when your parents took your phone
they looked through it
finding clear evidence of the way you felt, the way i want to feel
they told you you were selfish for not speaking to them about it
that you were selfish for thinking about wanting to kill yourself.
i can see when you first came out
the yellow, white, purple, and black color scheme
freshly painted on your nails
only to be told you're being indoctrinated
to be told you're not understanding what it means
to be told you're stupid and need to shut up
i can see when you had felt pressured
to reciprocate "pleasure"
whether on accident or on purpose, all because you trusted them
and wanted to help and be with them no matter what
because you needed them, or so you thought
i can see when you lost
the last real friend you had at the time
and it drove you fucking crazy
thinking why you're built wrong and unable to actually relax.
and i can see you, just a couple weeks ago.
you have no one much, except 3 people
you thought life was a curse, a terrible misnomer
and you thought all there was to do was to slit your wrists
slice your throat
and yet
you're all here
you're one person
one being
all in the same body and mind
looking amongst ourselves for answers
i can see the tears in your eyes.
drops hit the ground
nearly silently
but i can hear myself follow suit
you're okay.
i know who you are, and i understand what you want.
and i love you for your goal.
for the way things have gone for you
it's hard not to think about it all in terms of "bad"
but we've gotten to a place we can truly confront it
and not let ourselves think
that everything we think is the truth that we believe it is
my arms wrap around you
i can feel the warmth reaching around my back
and my heart seems just a little bit warmer
the feeling is gone, the warmth is an afterthought
while the tips and taps of teardrops
only lighten and don't seem to stop.