I'll Be Fine (pt. 2 of 2)

friday, july 19th, 9:32 pm

i make a remark toward my dad, while helping build a fire
snarky, rude
as i wanted it to be
and he yells at me
tells me i can go take a shower and go to bed early
if i get an attitude again
little does he know, i guess
i space myself from him
i look at the bright moon in the distance
it's grounding to know there's something constant
but then i come back
sit down
my mother's there
and she spouts into a rant
about the second job she uses as a guilt trip
and that she has done nothing but help
in pushing me, and pushing me to get me to be successful
but it's just hurt, i try to interject
it stressed me out
and she just
loses it
goes into about how she's cried herself many nights
after she lost her job
and she's stressed
and that she may not agree with what i want for my life
but she'd support me
and right then and there
i wanted to confess again
i wanted to say im trans
i wanted to say im Delilah
i wanted nothing more to get what's really been stressing me
off of my chest, for good
but i know they wouldn't care
i know they'd hate me
they really wouldn't be supportive
they'd simply worry and be a nuisance
and spout about the left and indoctrination
not to mention what has "gotten into me"
the reality of your failing marriage, inability to have forethought
the hope of meeting more people like me
the wish of being not alone in this, for once
thats what got into me
hope and dreams of a future without you two
but i didn't say any of that
i sat there
took it
and in listening to it
my hands felt like paper mache
my arms felt heavy
everything felt stretchy
every grasp, every move, it took immense effort
i was losing it
everyone seemed farther away
my sense of distance was fucked
my fingers felt as though they could
be snapped in two
pressure put on them felt so surreal and amplified
i was genuinely having something happening to me
that, or my delusions stepped in, to save me
i don't know if i could have really listened to it all
i was so broken that i just started saying my (real) name
outloud
softly
quietly
delilah kaitlyn collins
delilah kaitlyn collins
delilah kaitlyn collins
delilahkaitlyncollins
delilahkaitlyncollins
delilahkaitlyncollins
delilahdelilahdelilahdelilahdelilah
i had to ground myself somehow
and i found that grabbing my legs repeatedly
it helped my mind
this hadn't happened to me for some years
last time it happened was in the middle of the night
watching tv late at night
i don't know what it is
it's so infrequent
but
i need someone
i need someone really bad
i need you laura
or zach
or lucy, if im desperate
but i need to talk to someone
i need to make it through so i can
i need to hear someones voice
a voice that i truly love and appreciate
please
i need help
i need advice
i need sanity
i need relief
i need anything but what's happening to me.
please
fucking please
let me live this so i can get better
for once
ive wanted to get much better
to have help
i need it