I'll Be Fine (pt. 2 of 2)

welcome anytime in my dreams

300 now.
it's been a long journey
years of talking to people and letting them go
forcing people to make decisions that truly matter
or i make it for them.
between the 4 people i can count that i loved
mae, saga, catheryn, ella
i find a common difference between us all
you all have no idea how to treat one of your own.
i get it now, that it's too late
ive never stopped feeling guilty
about what i believed was my fault
and in some cases, i do share the fault

mae.

im still not sure i believe your story.
as far as i can tell,
i didn't make any egregious mistakes
i think that your act should have been quit
but now we stand
where i plan to tell you "happy birthday fucker"
right to your face.
"here's to less of you."
because you've all wronged me in a way.
whether intentionally, i will not say
and as for these
in the wake of my changing life,
these are a good way, showing thought and feeling
in what i believed was a roaming corpse
one that walked the earth that had little to no chance
of living before my life was taken away.
to foster such a thing after growing such displays
as the life cycle of a love tree
and the bloom of closeness between those around
it tells little of the soul behind such dealings
and especially not the tears of flesh on my essence
because i never learned how to love,
what is it i should be loving,
or what i should be looking for in love
and after trying over and over
repeating the same exercise in insanity
only to expect the situation to change.
but now i see my error
and i aim to change it, to give love a fair shot
instead of having my arms tied walking into it
and about this love i had experienced in early life,
i had no crush before people
and, given
maybe i actually am aromantic
leading to what i feel as product of normalization
and exposure to ideals of what i should feel
because i was roped in for my first relationship
daniel, mae, it's all the same in my head
knowing exactly what you believe and think now
it gives me the shivers to think i loved such a person
and to have said horrible person stick by
due to the fact we're in the same grade
and we had the same gt english class
atleast i can say your horrible math has made it
so that I don't have to deal with you
outside of the 1 class i happen to have you in.

saga.

i can't truly tell if you cared.
i sympathize with your want
to make up, say hi, do anything
but at the same time
don't treat me as though i did nothing to you
forgive and forget is something that does nothing
but let you get hurt again
while entrancing yourself in the pale moonlight
to believe its nothing more than being nice
you've settled for failure and set yourself up for such
you were nice enough
you were there for me
but you finally broke
when i needed things most
and i don't blame you for that
it was stressful
im sorry for what i did there, i truly am
making you carry my weight on your back
as an extra load
i appreciate your effort and want to help.
and maybe
just maybe
it's time
to try and apologize
to be confidants
to be acquaintances
but will we ever get such an ending?
that's for you to decide

catheryn.

i
just apologize.
i can't believe i said what i said, or did what i did
i don't have much to say, i just fucked up.

ella.

as for you, you're the worst ive had for my mind
thought i was perfect on my own
then it was as if you staged it all
falling for you in my defense for your ideals.
getting rid of such obvious bad
only to not want to try
to not wish to have me when i am low.
to see my tears and cries as repulsive
you look at me, attempt so loosely to support me
and fail simply because you don't understand me
you don't realize how much ive missed
how much ive given at this point
to feel happy
and my mind doesn't believe me.
my mind believes it's fake, and shouldn't be trusted
its a mechanism of my loneliness to just say
to myself, that ill be okay
in telling myself it'll happen eventually
and when it did
it didn't feel real
it's why i asked you so many times
am i a good girlfriend?
because i didn't know what im doing
i was still in disbelief over my circumstances
and you, you took as a reason to do nothing
and i still apologize
for how much i put onto your shoulders
and i feel sorry for how much you had to deal with
but clearly you could still get things done.
all i have to say is
you looked so good in green
and you look so good with him.