My Biggest Obsession

𝐓𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐯𝐞.

♪ Nightcrawler (Instrumental) - Travis Scott ♪

| Ivory |

I stare back at the mark left on my neck. It's all violet. Kirill tried to strangle me yesterday. I had a taste of death for the first time in my fifteen years of existence. What did I do wrong? My hands were shaky and I broke a plate. I said to him I was sorry, that I didn't do it on purpose. And the second later he had his hands around my neck and I couldn't feel the air in my lungs anymore. I coughed with tears in my eyes, and begged him to let me live. But I felt my eyes becoming heavy, and I felt my body becoming numb. So I gave up;maybe death would be better than being here anyway.
But he dropped me to the floor and I gasped for air.

"Next time you do something like this I'll kill you for real. Now clean the mess, bitch." He said.

But I feel like I'm already dead. I'm here physically. But inside I'm empty. He took all the life out of me. I don't even know who I am when I look at myself in the mirror. Am I still this girl my parents used to know before he took me here? Or am I only a dead mind in a living body? I knew I would only get more hurt if I fought back. So I gave up on that too; I only endured. Everything.

I'm only fifteen but I feel like I already lived a complete life.

I'm laying on the mattress on the floor. It's dirty here, but I feel even more dirty. My body isn't mine anymore and my mouth neither. I'm disgusted by what I've done. By what I do.

I want to go home. I want to see my parents again. Do they even remember me?

Will they be disgusted if they learn what I've done ?

Kirill says I can only put the blame on me.

I'm tired.

I'm cold.

I want to run away.

Suddenly I hear his footsteps in the hallway, it's him I know it. With the years I learned to recognize the noise he makes when he walks. I swallow.

Is he coming for me?

After a few minutes of listening to his footsteps I realized he's not going to come in here.

I sigh with relief.

I can't do this anymore.

I don't realize I'm crying until the sob shatters my body.

They say it's a weakness but I don't care if someone sees me crying. It's too late now. I'm weak either way... I cover my mouth with my hands to be quiet.

Breathe.

Stay strong.

It's going to be okay.

But I don't want to be strong anymore...

Maybe he should've killed me yesterday.

I suffer too much here. Let me out. I did nothing, I've never asked to be here.

I hug myself, I want to get out. Please.

Please...

I just want this to end. All of this...

But even if I scream nobody hears me.

Never.