My Biggest Obsession

𝐓𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲-𝐓𝐰𝐨.

♪ High Enough- K.Flay ♪

| Ivory |

The memories of last night hit me as I slowly woke up. Immediately my gaze came to my thigh to verify it was okay. My thigh was wrapped in a bandage and I supposed I had stitches under. I sighed, letting my eyes fall shut.

I don't know what I did to deserve this. Sometimes Kirill does that. He gives me a pill that knocks me off. He does that because he wants me to be either calm or easy to manipulate. I must admit; it doesn't feel really bad. Sometimes I even prefer being under the influence of it. Because when they hit me, it doesn't hurt as much as when I'm sober. It's like my body doesn't feel the pain anymore. It just endures it. I don't know if I'm a bad person. But sometimes, here, I feel like I am. It's my fault they say.

It's my fault they hit me.

It's my fault they touched me. I'm too beautiful to be just looked at, apparently.

It's my fault the bruises I have on my body.

I deserve it, they say.

Everything that happened to me here they put the blame on me.

It's my fault. I'm the one who's wrong. I'm guilty. Not the victim.

It's my fault.

My fault.

My fault.

And I think I'm starting to believe it.

"SHOOT HER IVORY!"
"JUST DO IT NOW!" Kirill forced me yesterday.

And I did. I had no other choice. He made me kill her. I killed the blonde girl. She wasn't older than me. She deserved to live. I hate Kirill so much.
I killed her. I can't even look at myself now. I feel like her blood is still on me, still on my hands. I don't recognize myself anymore. I don't know who I am.

I killed her.
I killed her.

I'm a monster.

I'm a monster.

I'm a monster.

A monster; that's what I am.

I just want to feel normal again. I want to become the old me. I want my mom. I just want to be happy again. I feel like I'm always under water, everytime I try to catch my breath at the surface, something pulls me back under.
I'm just so tired. I want to disappear. I don't have the energy to go on anymore.

I curl into a ball as the sob explodes in every part of my body, and all my body shakes with the strength of it.

I'm so tired. I can't do this anymore...

I don't want to be here anymore.

Sometimes I imagine I'm somewhere else. Far away from here. I imagine I'm on a beach. And it's sunset. My hair flies in the wind, I can feel the sand under my feet. I smile as I see a shell in the sea. I get closer to take it in my hands and when I do, the waves of water hit my feet. I laugh. The water is cold. But it doesn't bother me. I took the shell. It's so pretty. It's so pure. So... White like snow.
At this moment I catch an unknown feeling inside of me.
A strange feeling.

I feel free.

I feel happy.

But when I open my eyes again, I go back to reality and I feel nothing more than the heavy burden of my life. Of the suffering I have to endure here.

Someone make it stop. Please.

I sighed as I opened my eyes again. "You need to stop torturing yourself with these thoughts." I tell myself. But apparently it's easier to say than to do. I ignored the pain in my thigh as I get up and make my way to the basement.

✰

It's been three hours since I've been training to shoot, I missed every single target. What was happening? When I was with Kirill I was always a good shooter. I dropped the gun angrily on the table as I reached for new bullets.

"You're supposed to be resting." I heard Aace's voice behind me. I rolled my eyes.

"I'm on my feet. I'm fine as you can see." I gritted through my teeth.

"You're aware you need to let the wound heal?"

"I don't give a fuck if you want me to be honest." I admit, nonchalantly.

"Always so goddamn stubborn. Well, you might want to listen to me because if you continue like this you're definitely going to miss every target."

"Okay genius. Drop the secret to achieve a good shot then." I made fun of him, "I'm listening."

He stepped closer to me, his chest in my back and whispered, "You have to rotate your body according to your supporting leg." He rotated my body, putting his hands on my hips, as I supported myself on my left leg, "Put your left foot in front of the right one." I didn't know why but I listened to him, "Put your two hands on the barrel of the gun and keep your hands calm. They're shaking."

"Wow, how did you notice? I would've never known. Thanks for this information." I rolled my eyes again.

"Just shut up and focus on the target now. Take a deep breath and shoot. At three. One... Two-" I didn't wait. I shot, and the bullet hit the center of the target perfectly. I smiled proudly, it wasn't so hard finally.

"You did good." He acknowledged, close to my ear. "But now Ivory you're going to tell who the hell were the men who attacked you."

Shit. I knew he was going to ask. "Again, it doesn't matter."

He grabbed my wrists and turned my body so that I could face him. "It doesn't matter? Well, you see when two fuckers attack my woman I think it does fucking matter."

"They're dead. It's not a big deal."

"I'm going to ask again. Who were they?"

I don't answer. I stared at the floor, thinking about what I should say.

"Nobody." I chose to lie. "They were nobody." I set myself free from his grasp and turned to leave but he grabbed my wrists before I could.

"If you don't answer my question, I'm going to fuck the answer out of you."

"What-"

The instant after I was thrown on his shoulder. And I recognized his feet were walking towards the bedroom.

But I think I want it...

______________________________________

Hiii.

Any comments? Any thoughts?

The beginning was pretty tough... 🤍 Ivory... 🤍🩹💔

I smell freaky soon but... 👀🤫🤫

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IG: serenahamiltonauthor

See you in a short time!

𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞.

𝐒.