My Biggest Obsession

𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐲-𝐅𝐨𝐮𝐫.

♪ Chihiro - Billie Eilish ♪

| Ivory |

When I was abused sexually for the first time at the age of twelve, I didn't understand what just happened.

I didn't understand why it was hurting so much.
Then I grew up.
And I understood.
I remember asking myself if it was my fault. They'd tell that all the time. And it was so easy to manipulate a young girl like me, they said I was provoking them. When the only problem was that they couldn't keep their zip closed in their pants in front of a minor.

I was making them horny apparently.
One day, a guy said I was dressed like a whore. I was wearing my pajamas that had owls on it, my favorite. Kirill gave me the permission to keep it.
I was thirteen.

Sometimes it still feels like my body doesn't belong to me anymore. They took my innocence away when they put their dirty hands on me while being grown up men, when I could've been their daughter.

And nobody can truly understand what it's like, until they go through it.

They can emphasize, but they're not truly understanding.

These people will never know the type of pain it is to live with this. You have to carry this burden for the rest of your life, and everyday feels like I'm wearing an invisible tattoo of their handprints on my body.

The worst is that sometimes I can actually feel them on my body. Like they're touching me again.

I've never talked to Aace about this feeling.

When Aace learned the truth about me and about my past, he simply held me. Allowing me to cry on his shoulder,
To rest on him.
And I'll forever be grateful to him for doing this.

Maybe Aace is going to find me one day. Or maybe I am destined to rot here until I die.

Honestly.
It'd hurt less.

My body fell to the ground once again as I couldn't avoid the kick in the ribs Kirill gave me.

In fact I didn't even try to avoid it.

I'm tired of fighting.

Tired of trying.

I just wanted this nightmare to end.

"Keep your head up. This isn't the way I've trained you." He gripped my shirt, pulling me up once again and I nearly fell. "What's happening to you? They made you so weak-"

He inspected me up and down.
A good night of sleep, a proper bed, a proper meal. It has only been fifteen days since I was here and it felt like fifteen years.
I should fight like he's telling me to. I'd probably be capable of it. But I didn't even want to. I preferred receiving all the torture in the only hope that it'll kill me faster.

Maybe if I die naturally then he'll stop torturing me?

"My daughter-"

"I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER AND I NEVER WAS!" I screamed and the echoes of it filled the room. A blank silence fell on us as he held me forcefully. He looked me dead in the eyes.

"Why don't you just kill me already?" I begged.
And his face changed. I could've sworn I saw a glimpse of softness in it.
Softness my ass.

"I don't want to kill you Ivory. I only want to make you stronger. I wanted to be like a father to you-"

"But you know I have a father ! My parents were your friends. They were trusting you!"

"They were never good parents. I wanted to help you-"

"My parents are the best parents I could've ever wished for. My mother always treated us with kindness! She did everything for us! And my father even though he's a strict and authoritarian man, behind that he loved us. Your problem is that you're only basing yourself on what you've seen of what we'd like to show to others. But you had no idea of what was happening behind the curtains." I spat out coldly.

He kneeled down and crouched to my level.

"Ivory it's not true... I didn't mean like that.I love you-"

"No you don't. Don't you dare say that again." He wiped my tears as I cried.

He seriously needed help.

"Go in your room. I don't want to see you around here until tomorrow morning." He ordered me and I didn't wait. I ran to what he called a room.

I wanted to sleep but I had too many things to say. An idea came to me. I ripped a piece of wallpaper and I searched under my mattress for the small pen I stole in the pocket of a guy when he did me a little night visit.

I knew Aace was going to find me one day or another, but the thing was... I was probably going to die here before he would so I had to at least leave him something.

A letter. That's what I was going to leave him. I ignored the pain in my knuckles and I wrote until I couldn't anymore and my body fell from exhaustion.

I could've started this letter by a "dear Aace" or something more formal. But I don't have the time and you know it's not my type anyway. There's so many things I want to say... I remember when I used to call you an asshole. Well, you're still one.
But you're an asshole I love.
To my biggest misery.
Jokes apart, you changed me. You healed a part of me you never broke. And I'm not used to write this sentimental type of shit, but I feel like I need to tell you this;
Thank you.
You have no idea how having you to my side all the time was probably the best experience in my whole life. I thought this marriage was going to be my life curse, and I found out it was my blessing. I was planning to never tell you this but; I fell in love.

I fell in love with you. So desperately. I never thought I was capable of loving, probably because I wasn't capable to even love myself. But you showed me that you were there to love me on the days I couldn't. I wouldn't have what we have in any other way. You were the one for me since all this time. Ironically, Erin was right. I've gotten along with you.
(Don't say that to her, it'll boost her ego, which is the size of her ass, and her ass is big enough already.)

I wished we had more time. But we knew Kirill was chasing me. And he got me. Don't worry. I promise you that whether it's in this lifetime or not we'll always find a way to each other. Maybe this lifetime wasn't simply our's. And I can't wait until I hold you in my arms again, in another lifetime, or maybe somewhere far away from here. Or wherever the fuck our souls meet again. If you read this, then I'm probably dead. I mean Kirill killed something in me when I was younger, but he did it again and I don't know if I can grief this part of me.

You were my redemption Aace Rossi.
And please don't fucking cry over me. Be happy. That's what I want for you. Live, laugh, and enjoy with your dumbasses of brothers. And say to my mom I love her.

Our love is burning, it's consuming us. It's passionate. But I couldn't care less because I'd gladly burn myself in you. I love you Aace. So fucking much it almost hurts.

-Your tesoro. ♡︎

______________________________________

Hiiiiii

Do you need tissues?

I wanted to sob my eyes out when I wrote Ivory's letter.

Anyways 🎀

How are y'all doing?

Leave comments !

Drop a ⭐!

IG: serenahamiltonauthor

See you soon! ❤️

𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞.

𝐒.