My Biggest Obsession

𝐓𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲-𝐍𝐢𝐧𝐞

♪ Ice Cream Man - RAYE ♪

|Ivory|

We were slowly approaching my birthday. Seven days apart from it exactly. Why do birthdays have to be so damn depressing?
When I was with Kirill, on my birthday I would get a "surprise." 

Funny how these surprises ended up ruining my life, a little more each time.
I absolutely despise my birthday from the bottom of my heart. I always get flashbacks, or nightmares. I always end up crying on that day.
I don't even want to be emotional like this. But it's like on that day the tears flow out of my eyes and I can't stop them.

And it's already happening now. Sometimes I hate being a woman with hormones.
But hopefully Aace won't hear me right now, so I can express myself I guess? It's been an hour since I haven't stopped crying. I'm a damn mess. And I don't even know what's causing it.

I take a breath, trying to compose myself. I hate being like this. I'm not a child anymore. Fuck. I'm getting twenty. I have to grow up.

I get up, rinsing my face with water at the sink.

It's just a birthday. Get over it.

On my birthday, don't call me, don't surprise me, don't offer me presents.

Because I just want to curl up into a ball in a dark room and cry. I feel like birthdays are just a shitty reminder that you did nothing useful during the year.

Honestly?

I feel like pure shit on my birthday,  mostly because it brings me back bad memories. Flashbacks and all. But because I don't want to get older. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of losing people if I grow older.

Scared to end up alone.

You might tell me that this fear is ridiculous, and the worse is that I would agree with you.

But fucking overthinking I guess?

My mind always think. Thoughts racing in it. It's like it never stops. Never rest. Never in peace. And the anxiety that comes with it. Always there. Hiding in a corner of your mind. Looking at you, waiting for the perfect time to attack you.

Like a dark snake, slowly wrapping around yourself, until it ends up by strangling you. Consuming you. And you can never get out of it.

I stand in front of my reflection in the mirror and put a smile on my face, as I gather myself and make my way to the living room where Aace and everyone is currently having a reunion on the situation, and on what we should do.

✰

"Okay, but even if we plan an attack he could know everything already. And the microphone, that one of his men supposedly placed on Ivory could've given him our location." Luca explains to Aace, and I must agree he's right.

"Okay then what are we going to do? Wait patiently for him to show his ass there? And putting everyone in danger." Aace scoffs.

He opens his mouth to say something else but his phone buzzes with a text and he furrows his brows.

"Who is it?" Matteo asks.