My Biggest Obsession

𝐓𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲-𝐍𝐢𝐧𝐞.

♪ Ice Cream Man - RAYE ♪

| Ivory |

We were slowly approaching my birthday. Seven days apart from it exactly. Why do birthdays have to be so damn depressing?
When I was with Kirill, on my birthday I'd get a "surprise."

Funny how these surprises ended up ruining my life, a little more each time.

I absolutely despise my birthday from the bottom of my heart. I always get flashbacks, or nightmares. I always end up crying on that day.

I didn't even want to be emotional like this. But it was like on these days the tears flow out of my eyes and I can't stop them.

And it's already happening now. Sometimes I hate being a woman with hormones.
But hopefully, Aace wouldn't hear me right now, so I could express myself I guess? It's been an hour since I haven't stopped crying. I'm a damn mess. And I don't even know what was causing it.

I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself. I hated being like this. I wasn't not a child anymore. Goddamn it, I was getting twenty. I had to grow up.

I get up, rinsing my face with water at the sink.

It's just a birthday. Get over it.

On my birthday, don't call me, don't surprise me, don't offer me presents.

Because I just want to curl up into a ball in a dark room and cry. I feel like birthdays are just a shitty reminder that you did nothing useful during the year.

And honestly?

I feel like pure shit on my birthday, mostly because it brings back bad memories. But also because I didn't want to get older. I'm scared of the future, I'm scared of losing people if I grow older.

Scared to end up alone.

You might tell me that this fear is ridiculous, and the worst is that I'd agree with you.

But fucking overthinking I guess?

My mind is always thinking. Thoughts racing in it. It's like it never stops. Never rest. Never in peace. And the anxiety that comes with it, always there. Hiding in a corner of your mind. Looking at you, waiting for the perfect time to attack you.

Like a dark snake, slowly wrapping around yourself, until it ends up strangling you. Consuming you. And you can never get out of it.

I stood in front of my reflection in the mirror and put a smile on my face, as I gathered myself and made my way to the living room where Aace and everyone was currently having a reunion on the situation, and on what we should do.

✰

"Okay, but even if we plan an attack he could have access to everything already. We ignore what he discovered about us. We have to surprise him." Luca explained to Aace, and I agreed he was right.

"Okay then what are we going to do? Wait patiently for him to show his ass there? Put everyone in danger." Aace scoffed, blowing out the smoke from his cigarette.

He opened his mouth to say something else but his phone buzzed and he furrowed his brows.

"Who is it?" Matteo spoke up.

"An unknown number." Aace declared blankly.

"What does it say?" Luca asks.

"It's an audio note." Aace looked at us.

"Listen to it and turn the volume up." Erin said impatiently, and Aace pressed a button on his phone.

But as soon as the audio note played, my stomach dropped. It was an audio note of me. When I was with Kirill. I remember it like it was yesterday.
I was fifteen when it was recorded.