Dazed | Spencer Reid FanFiction

Chapter 28: Starting Over*

The following morning, I left Spencer in a frenzy as I had slept later than I intended. I grabbed my bag and power walked through the less populated areas of the facility. I walked out of the front door and thought I was in the clear until I came face to face with Dr. Grant. He turns and smiles at me "good morning, Mrs. Reid. You're here quite early? Visiting hours aren't until much later in the day." I stumble over my words, struggling to find the right thing to say. He chuckles and shakes his head "I personally okayed the favor for Agent Morgan. Dr. Reid has been through plenty and he did deserve a night with you after all he has been through. We are keeping it quiet, though, only essential staff were informed and know to keep it quiet. We don't need other patients getting similar ideas."
I breathe a sigh of relief and nod "yes, sir. I understand. I think our being able to spend one night together kind of like normal will boost motivation and morale for both of us." Dr. Grant responds "oh I have no doubt, which is why I allowed it to happen." I ask him "please don't mention this to Agent Hotchner, I don't think he would have been as open minded about bending the rules as you were." Dr. Grant responds "I've learned every patient is different and responds better to different motivators. Dr. Reid needed some hope and some joy, based on what I observed his first day here, you give those things to him. I don't subscribe to a one size fits all program. I treat patients as individual people with individual needs and wants."
I nod and tell him "thank you for taking care of my husband." Dr. Grant chuckles "you will do more to help him than I ever will. I should be thanking you for your commitment to Spencer through his addiction. It's going to be a long road even after his visit here." I nod "we have had many discussions about it. I told him I would always help him with his addiction, even in the early days I told him, should we ever break up, I would always help him get clean again if he needed it."
Dr. Grant nods "you are a very compassionate and understanding person. I wish more family members of patients had such qualities. Now, I must be getting to work, you have a nice day, Mrs. Reid." I smile and tell him "same here, you have a nice day, too, Dr. Grant." We wave and I power walk to my car, getting in and shuddering the anxiety away. Thankfully I had arranged a while ago to have a day off today before all of this had happened so I plan to just go home and sleep the last night off.

•••••

Weeks pass with regular visits to Spencer and phone calls every night. I've remained in contact with Dr. Grant who is very happy with Spencer's progress in the program. We did end up opting to do the full 30 day program instead of 21 days when we noticed how much healing Spencer has been able to do. He's been enjoying his therapist and group therapy as well as all of the activities and hobbies he's picked up. He picked painting back up while he has been at the facility and really enjoys it as an outlet. What happened to him with Elle was horrible and losing our baby was horrible, but his trip to rehab has been very beneficial in more ways than one. I honestly am not as afraid of him relapsing as I was previously in our relationship.
          Morgan and Hotch and I have just picked Spencer up. He was very excited to see us and leave the facility. When I walked in the room he hugged me for about 30 seconds without a break. I hugged him back tightly until he was ready to let go. When he pulled away he said "let's go home." I nodded and we signed him out of rehab. Hotch got documentation for the bureau from Dr. Grant that Spencer completed the program and how well he did. Spencer was just as excited to see Hotch and Morgan.
         Spencer has put some of his original weight back on and then maybe just a few more pounds, he looks much healthier now than he has in the past. He's grown out some of his facial hair, he's sporting a bit of a mustache now. He honestly looks so hot. I'm surprised every time he changes his look and I like it more than before. He squeezes my hand and asks me quietly "why are you staring at me like that?" I turn a bit red and tell him softly "I just missed you." He smiles "I missed you, too." Spencer talks to Hotch and Morgan most of the drive back about his experience at the facility and how nice it was. I had already heard 95% of it during our nightly phone calls. I felt really special when I found out he only talked to Hotch and Morgan a handful of times. To be fair, they continued working on cases the whole time.
I met Hotch and Morgan at the BAU before we went to pick him up together. Spencer said he wanted to see the rest of the team before we went home, I am all for it. It's been over two months since he's been back to the BAU office. I bet the last time he left this office he didn't realize how long of a gap would be in between. He walks into the office and hugs JJ. He whispers something in her ear and she smiles and nods, saying something else I couldn't hear. Spencer makes his rounds to everybody else. Penelope was definitely one of the most excited people to see him looking like himself again. It was hard to let him go to rehab for a month after losing a month with him, but he's come back better than ever.
While we are there, a case gets called in that sounds pretty urgent. Spencer started to walk towards the round table room before Hotch stopped him politely. He told Spencer "take a week or so, you don't need to jump right back in. Spend time at home with your wife for a bit, sleep in your own bed, play with your dog. If we need your expertise we will call you." Spencer wants to protest, but nods. I laugh "good to know I'm second choice." Spencer turns and tells me "sorry, force of habit." I nod and grab his hand "let's go home, Ryder is excited to see you." Spencer's face lights up and he nods "let's go home." My heart warms at that and we make our way to my car in the parking garage hand in hand. Spencer usually likes to drive, but I'm driving him home this time.
The drive is short, Spencer genuinely seems to be doing much better than I've seen him in a while. I ask him "do you think that maybe possibly...a month with no cases or work and nothing but time to work on yourself is why you're doing so well now?" Spencer nods "the thought crossed my mind, but there's no way I could've jumped back into it so fast after...everything that happened. The rehab program was the best thing I could've done to help me adjust out of survival mode and into normal life again." I ask him "you had been kidnapped before, though, right?" Spencer nods "yes, sometimes for more than one day, but never for a week nevertheless 4 weeks."
I ask him "did they prepare you mentally for something like this?" He nods "we did a lot of training for sustaining torture and survival tactics. It was still a horrible experience even with the training." I nod, not knowing how to respond. I have a feeling this week will be rough at times and I may be the one having to bear the brunt of his moodiness and anger, just like when Emily "died." We pull into the garage, still in the habit of ensuring the garage door is shut before we get out and head into the house, locking it behind us.
Ryder comes running up to greet us at the door. I quickly whip my camera on my phone open to capture Ryder's reaction to Spencer finally being home. He wags his tail 90 to nothing and spins in place and jumps up to him. When Spencer finally sits down on the ground with him, he licks him on the face and then looks at me and then licks Spencer on the face again like he just can't believe it that he's back. I could just cry watching this unfold.
I ask Spencer "are you hungry? Tired?" He gives me a soft smile and nods "a little bit of both." I ask him "what are you in the mood for?" He hums and smiles as he says "chicken and dumplings, mac and cheese, and sweet tea." I smile and nod "you got it." I tell him "I'll have some groceries delivered and then I can make it, why don't you go rest for a while first while I do that?" Spencer nods and responds "I'm going to shower in my normal shower and then take a nap, I think." I smile and nod "that sounds like a good plan." Spencer stands up and places a kiss on my cheek as he takes his bag with him into the bedroom. He didn't have much because the facility provided him with clothes to wear. That was a requirement to ensure that people can't smuggle things in or out of any place or hide things in the clothes in the room.
I hear the shower turn on and sit down at the island to make my grocery order for later so I can make all of Spencer's favorites. As I'm submitting the insta cart order, I hear Spencer crying softly in the shower. I want nothing more than to run in and hold him while he cries, but I know he waited to cry in the shower because he wanted privacy. He knows if he wanted comfort he could come to me. It takes everything in me to restrain myself from going in there and holding him. Not too long after the sounds of him crying stops, so does the shower. 2 minutes later he comes out of the bedroom towel drying his hair in his favorite pajama pants and no shirt.
He asks me softly, shyly "will you come lie down with me for a little bit?" I smile and nod "of course, we have a while before the groceries get here anyway." He gives me a small smile and nods, walking into our bedroom and climbing into his side of the bed. I climb into my side of the bed, Ryder following behind shortly. He curls up with Spencer and I can see the smile on his face. I run my fingers through Spencer's hair and hum a soft melody. It doesn't take him long to fall asleep after that. I stay like that for a while until I'm sure he won't wake if I move.
         I get up to go get the instacart order that's been delivered and start on the meal Spencer requested. While I'm getting ready to cook I hear Spencer crying out in his sleep. He says "no, stop, please! I don't want it!" He's holding himself and folding into the fetal position while shaking. Ryder is standing on the bed staring at Spencer with concern. I walk in and gently shake Spencer awake. I tell him "baby, it's okay, you're safe." He shivers and tells me "she was going to hurt me again." I take a deep breath and tell him "it's okay, she's not coming back." He nods sleepily and I lay behind him on his side of the bed and gently rub his arm and play with his hair. He's been doing better when he knows he's not alone I've noticed.
         It doesn't take him long to fall back asleep. I lay there for a minute and think about how I can't leave him at home alone for a week. I walk out of our bedroom and crack the door. I walk into Spencer's office and crack that door as well. I decide to call my supervisor and find out what my options are for the next week. It's a Friday so I'm honestly surprised he answers as fast as he does. He says as soon as he picks up "Anneliese, is Spencer okay?" I respond "yes, he's as fine as he can be right now, but..um..I think he's having some PTSD right now. Is there anyway I can take the next week off? If you absolutely need somebody and the PRN SLPs can't come in, call me and I'll come in. I just know y'all aren't happy with the bureau for all I've missed the last year work wise."
       My supervisor responds "what? You've had a lot out of your control going on. For over a year you proved yourself as a model employee before all of this stuff happened to you, you've had a crazy year with the FBI. We can't punish you for that. We can't pay you for all the time you've missed, but we aren't going to punish you or fire you because you have to take personal time for you or your husband when crazy FBI shit happens. You also made us look real good when you went to LA with the team. Take all the time you need, you and your family are more important than this place."
         I feel my eyes well with tears as I respond "thank you, I...I must've been misinformed, but I'm so relieved. He needs me right now." He responds "I don't doubt it. Go take care of him. I may call you in for modifieds or FEES if I can't get anybody else, okay?" I nod and respond "yes, the team will be around so I can make that work if given enough notice. Or I may bring him with me and have him hang out in my office, is that okay?" He responds "absolutely, let me know if there is anything I can do to help, okay? I mean that." I nod to myself "thank you, that means a lot." He answers "no problem, go take care of Spencer." I tell him "thanks again, goodbye," and hang up the phone.
          I go into the kitchen and get back to work on dinner while wondering why JJ told me what she did about my job if it isn't true? There has to be a miscommunication somewhere. I decide not to worry about it and ask JJ about it later, it's not worth it now. I get to work cooking the food, working up a sweat as I do so. This reminds me of the night early in our relationship where he returned from a case and slept for almost a whole day and I made him this meal. He often requests these dishes separately, but he hasn't requested them all together before like this. Something about him requesting this makes me think something about that night is comforting to him.
I cook the food and brew and the tea, leaving the food in the oven on a low setting and the tea in the fridge to chill while Spencer is still sound asleep. Ryder is still curled up with him and he hasn't woken with a start again. The door is cracked and I am sitting on the couch in the living room researching things I can do to help Spencer. There's nothing more than I've already been told. I'm more worried for Spencer's grieving of our baby. He hasn't experienced anything like that before. It still bothers me every day and it still hurts me in my heart and soul to know that we lost a baby and I wonder what could have been. I do think it was easier to endure the loss then than it might have been later on in the pregnancy, but this loss is one of the hardest things I've had to endure in my life. It's right up there with the kidnappings in terms of difficulty.
For a week or two I was angry about the whole situation, but still distracted by trying to find Spencer. I prayed angry prayers and asked angry questions. What I have to tell myself is that ending Matthew's life so early was the only thing I could do to keep him from suffering excruciating pain for the time he could've experienced pain. I've worked through it in therapy and with my friends and family, but sometimes it still hits me hard. I have tears streaming down my face now as I think about it because I know I'm alone and I don't have to be strong for anybody else around me. I hate the look of pity in their eyes and how sometimes they look uncomfortable when talking about such a grim and heavy topic. I understand how they feel and wish even more we didn't have to have the conversation in the first place. That we could will the pain and heaviness away out of convenience as well.
As I sit on the couch crying quietly and contemplating what could've been, I'm surprised when Spencer quietly sits down next to me on the couch and pulls me into his lap. He shushes me softly as I cry into his t shirt like I have many times before. He rubs my back and continues to try his best to comfort me. Overall, he holds me until I'm ready to talk. The first words I speak are "I'm sorry I woke you." He laughs once and says to me "it was time for me to wake up anyway. What had you so upset?" I sniffle and respond "Matthew. I've had more time to work through it, but it still hits me every now and then." Spencer hums and says "I'm glad I'm not the only one affected this much by it."
I sniffle and tell him "the first week or so I was angry and nearly inconsolable. I was also recovering from surgery so those pain meds helped at times. Honestly I had to stop taking them because they were keeping me from going to the bathroom." Spencer chuckles "don't have to worry about you getting addicted to them then." I chuckle and ask him "how are you doing? With everything?" Spencer sighs and says "to say I'm doing well wouldn't be entirely truthful. I'm grateful for the rehab plan and I believe it got me hundreds of miles ahead from where I ever could have gotten by myself. The therapist was very helpful about both the abduction and the loss of the baby."
I ask him "did you wake up upset, like you did earlier, often while you were in rehab?" He waves his hand back and forth and responds "sometimes. I think it depended on a lot of factors from the day before honestly, like if I had a hard day in therapy that day." I nod and tell him "that's understandable." I finally lift my head from his chest and ask him "did my valentines visit help at all?" He nods "I think it did. It gave me a feeling of security that I needed." I give him a soft smile and nod. I tell him "honestly it helped me a lot. I needed a piece of normalcy." Spencer chuckles "deep conversations, sleeping in the same bed, and sex are definitely normal for that." I tell him "sometimes I feel like we shouldn't have done that last part. Did it affect you negatively at all?" He laughs and shakes his head "I honestly think having that release helped clear my head and some pent up tension."
I nod and tell him "I never want to take advantage of you." Spencer laughs "I'll tell you if I don't want to, don't worry, but I feel it will be a lot less often that I refuse any of your advances than you refuse mine." I smile and nod as I laugh "you've ruined me. I almost always want you Spencer." He laughs and asks me in a semi seductive tone "what about now?" I laugh and tell him "let's eat dinner first and then we can see how you're feeling. You have to wake up some before we can do anything." He nods, looking a bit disappointed, but not fighting me at all.
         We sit and eat dinner. Spencer is ravenous and eats two servings of everything. He tells me "the food at the facility wasn't bad, but it was nothing like this." His words bring a smile to my face and I'm sure a pink tint to my cheeks. I grab his hand and squeeze it as I tell him "I'm so happy to have you home." He smiles and squeezes back as he responds "thank you for not giving up on me." I look at him seriously "if I've given up on you, then it means I'm dead." He chuckles and tells me "same for you. You surprise me everyday. Your resilience is amazing." I tell him "I learned from the best."
       Spencer helps me clean up after dinner and tells me not to waste any of the leftovers because he will eat them. It doesn't take long to clean up as I cleaned as I went while I cooked. After we are done cleaning, we curl up on the couch together and turn on the tv, more for background noise than to watch. I ask Spencer "what do we want to do with his ashes?" Spencer sighs "I suppose we should wait until the time is right?" I nod. I ask him "we should have a memorial or something?" Spencer sighs and nods "yeah..yeah we should." I ask Spencer "have you given anymore thought to how long we should wait before trying again?"
        Spencer sighs and asks "is it absolutely awful of me to want to try again now?" I give him a small smile and shake my head. I tell him "I kinda want to try again, too. I want to fill that void in my heart." Spencer sighs and says "me, too." I tell him "my therapist said that it was a normal reaction in the healing process and that it wasn't a bad thing. He did say that we needed to be on the same page and I needed to ensure your stability given everything we've been through recently." Spencer nods "he's right. I feel like I'm pretty stable all things considered." I laugh and nod "I agree. It's still early though so let's give it time." Spencer then asks me "do you feel up to it?"
        I turn to him and eye him up and down briefly before I ask him "are you sure you're up for it?" Spencer sighs and says "I talked to my therapist at the facility about how, in the past, I have often turned to sex as something of a coping mechanism when I can't turn to dilaudid like I wanted to first. My therapist says there's nothing wrong with different outlets as long as they don't turn into new addictions themselves."
         I tell him "I'm not worried about you becoming a sex addict. You're not the type to force me into anything I don't want to do and you're definitely not the type to cheat on me to get it from somebody else." Spencer nods and says after taking a deep breath "but I do have addictive tendencies and I don't want to drag you into something unhealthy. I can still visit that therapist as an outpatient and via telehealth so I'm going to keep doing that for a while. I'm not extraordinarily worried about becoming a sex addict, but I would be stupid to think it isn't possible. I want to be a better person not just for me but for you and for our future kids. What kind of father would I be if I have to go to rehab for a month and leave you at home alone with the kids without help?"
        I look at Spencer and tell him "I love that you're thinking about our future and that's what's motivating you, but in the future if you need to take another trip back to rehab, I won't be mad. I will make things work and the team will help me. I would rather lose you for a month and have you back better adjusted than have any of us lose you little by little over time. I will never be mad in the case of you making the best and healthiest decision for a loaded hand you were dealt against your will in the first place. You never picked up the needle of your own accord to start any of this. Had you been home sick from that case, maybe you never would've dealt with this addiction."
        Spencer sighs and says "maybe I needed to have the lesson. I needed to have the perspective...for some reason." I don't say anything to him, but I wonder to myself if his addiction was one of the many steps down different paths that led him to me. I ask him "if you could go back in time and stop yourself from going on that case and starting your dilaudid addiction against your will, but it means you never got to meet me, would you make that choice?"
       Spencer looks at me in shock "I would definitely take the addiction if it meant I got to meet you. My life was so empty before you which is why I turned to dilaudid. When I got off of dilaudid I turned to sex. Neither of those things were very healthy, but sex was definitely healthier than dilaudid. You make my life so much better that in my every day life I don't want to escape it. When I come home from the bad cases, I talk to you and sometimes it makes it all better and I forget the ugliness of the world. I am going to do everything I can to stay clean and not let this experience change who I am because I don't want to lose you. I love you so much Anneliese."
       I wipe a tear and say "wow, using my whole name, this is real serious." Spencer laughs and says "shut up." He closes the distance between us and connects our lips. I sit up and straddle his lap. I ask him "I'm okay if you are?" Spencer chuckles "hell yeah, I'm okay." He grips my ass and carries me back to our bedroom. He leaves the tv on and every light in the house on as he quickly relocates us. Ryder doesn't even move from his place on the couch, I think he knows what this turn of events means and he wants no part of it.
        Spencer gently drops me on the bed and I bounce as I laugh, feeling more alive than I have in a long long time. Spencer looks me in the eyes as he says with a laugh "I'm not going to last long, let me focus on you first." I readjust myself against the pillows and tell him "I will not argue with that decision, Dr. Reid." Spencer chuckles and pulls my yoga pants and underwear down in one fluid motion. I laugh nervously as he grips my hips and pulls me down the bed to reposition my heat beneath his face. He asks me "did you follow my directions?" I nod and say with shaking breaths "yes, sir." Spencer chuckles and says "good girl." I have about two seconds to process what he said before he latches his mouth to my clit.
       A high pitched moan leaves my mouth and my fingers find their way into his hair. I'm so sensitive from not being used to the activity over the last two months. I feel him everywhere at once as he keeps a steady rhythm. He inserts one finger and gently presses against my g spot with every thrust of his hand. I'm moaning out different words and begging incoherently until he adds another finger. I look down at him and he winks at me before he speeds up his rhythm, making me curse loudly as I fall over the edge on his fingers and face.
        My chest is heaving as he stands and drops his pants and boxers and rips his t shirt off. He climbs back over me and just lifts my shirt to reveal my breasts. I took my bra off shortly after we got home and I knew I'd be staying home for a while with him. He gently kneads my breasts and pinches my nipples before rolling them back and forth in his fingers. My breathing picks up again and Spencer laughs "if I were going to torture both of us, I would do this until I made you cum. I don't think I'm far from it, but I'm impatient and need to be inside you right this second or I might burst."
        I laugh and take a deep breath when he finally releases my nipples from the sweet torture. He looks at me and I tell him "wait, I bought condoms...if you want to wait a bit longer on trying again for a baby?" He nods, standing and walking over to the drawer of my night stand that I pointed to a second ago. He sighs as he rolls it onto his hard length. He tells me "I futilely hoped I would never have to feel this feeling again." I laugh and tell him "in between babies when we don't want me on birth control and until you get snipped, condoms may be sprinkled throughout." Spencer chuckles "I can live with that."
        He lines himself up at my entrance, looking to my eyes for certainty and for permission. I nod and smile, making him smile back at me. He slowly buries himself inside of me. It's a bit of a tighter fit than normal, but still feels so good. I love the feeling of him inside of me, I wrap my legs around his waist to help him move deeper. Spencer groans and slowly begins to rock in and out of my heat. The stretch is delicious and I love the way I feel wrapped around him and I love the way I feel with his arms on either side of me. I'm disappointed when he pulls an arm away, but my disappointment melts into pleasure as I feel him circle my clit with his thumb. My breath catches in my throat and he picks up the pace of his thrusts.
       He's getting desperate and sloppy with his thrusts, he wants me to cum first. I let myself get lost in the sensation and lose my grip on the edge one finger at a time before I fall into the abyss. Wave after wave of pleasure washes over me. As I'm nearing the end of my high, I feel Spencer reach his end inside of me and in the condom. It's a weird feeling after being used to feeling his warm release coat my walls each time we had sex, especially since we had been trying so hard for a baby. He rolls over and lays next to me. He asks me "how was that, are you okay?" I smile and laugh barely "that was great, I'm more than okay." He catches his breath and nods "yeah...me too." I laugh and think to myself that I'm glad he somehow had it in him to last longer and keep himself together the first time we had sex.
       After a minute he stands and discards the condom in the trash under the bathroom sink after knotting it up. He comes back with a warm wash cloth and still wipes me down even though it's not really anything I can't handle I was just being lazy and hadn't gotten up yet. When I open my mouth to protest, he shushes me. He tells me "this is one of my favorite parts every time. Don't ruin this for me." I laugh quietly and let him continue his ritual of cleaning up the mess he makes of me every single time. He climbs back in bed for a bit and we cuddle up together, talking and laughing about anything and everything. We can't keep our hands off each other, but this intimacy isn't about sex, it's about security and love, feeling safe together.
       After a little bit, he falls asleep and I stand to get ready for bed and ensure everything else is taken care of in the house. I turn off all the lights that are supposed to be off and double check the alarm and the doors after letting Ryder out for the night. When it's all said and done, we curl up back in bed with Spencer who doesn't even stir awake when we rejoin him.