In My Opinion

Their Elemental Curse: Book 1 by MomoOnTheGogo

Full title: Their Elemental Curse: Book 1 by MomoOnTheGogo
Source: Review request
Genre: Science fiction
Subgenre: Action/adventure, Dystopian
Mature: Y (blood, bullying, child abuse, death, discrimination, emotional abuse, genocide, gore, guns, kidnapping, loss of a loved one, murder, needles, physical abuse, politics, smoking, strong profanity, suicidal ideation, violence; mentions of cancer, child sexual abuse)
Status: Complete
English usage: US
First impression: 32/40
Digging deeper: 63/100
Final thoughts: Complete

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book.

*****

First impressions total: 32/40

Title: 10/10
Yes. Elements are fun, and I want to know about this curse. Great title.

Blurb/synopsis: 6/10
First up, some easy fixes: "social" should be "socially," "unhuman" should be "inhuman."

Be careful with tenses. The overall tense for this blurb is present tense, but you have a few past tense verbs that confuse things ("had" should be "has," "began" should be "begin," "brought" should be "brings"). Consistency is key here.

And acronyms. You introduce the United Nations (spelled out) and the US government (acronym). For consistency's sake, I'd recommend spelling both out at first mention, then using the acronyms for both after that.

Alright, now for the more complicated stuff. There are a lot of extra words here that muddle the meaning you want the reader to get. The one-sentence paragraphs aren't different enough in tone and idea to warrant being divided the way they are, and a lot of sentences have repetitive phrasing - repeating something in the second part of the sentence that you already said in the first part of the sentence. That can get boring to readers, and you're trying to hook them. Simplifying, cutting words, rearranging, and merging paragraphs will help give this a stronger hook. Merging all of those one-sentence paragraphs into one paragraph will lose some punch value, though, so I think you should still have a one-sentence paragraph to end the blurb, and maybe have another one between the two larger paragraphs.

So, getting more specific, I would start that first sentence with your MC's name. It's more important for your reader to focus on his name first, and then you can describe his shy and socially awkward personality after you've introduced him to us. "Despite" doesn't really fit here, since being shy and socially awkward doesn't relate to powers and experimentation. Also, here's the first example of repetitive phrasing, although it doesn't occur in the same sentence. You say he's part of "The Experimented," and then you immediately say that he's been experimented on at a young age, but the reader already knows that from you calling him "The Experimented." Putting the bit about him being experimented on at a young age first makes more sense, and then you can introduce the group name later when you introduce the other kids.

So, considering all that, here's a way you could rework this (but you have your own style, of course, so play around with it):

"Shimizu Hada is a shy, socially awkward boy who was experimented on at a young age, and he's not alone. Three of his schoolmates are among "The Experimented," too: [insert character intros after colon as is]. The powers that bring them together grant them each unique abilities, and their friendship grows stronger.

But then the United Nations and the United States government do the unthinkable, forcing [insert all four names] to question everything they thought they knew about society. A secret agency working with the UN has plans for them - and the rest of the world.