| | Indefinite Hiatus | |
I hope to return to this project someday, but it isn't feasible with my current health issues and life circumstances. I have to cut things from my workload so I can breathe. However, I still intend to complete my current li...
Source: Judging task for interview with -Chrysalis_Realm Genre: Fanfiction Subgenre: Romance
Fandom: BTS
Mature: Y (strong swearing)
Status: Ongoing
First impressions: 29/40
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First impressions total: 29/40
Title: 10/10
I am the type of person who loves having to look things up, and I had to look up "anpanman." Children's superhero? Bread man who cuts pieces of himself off to feed starving kids? That's simultaneously cute and disturbing, and I have to wonder how it relates to what's about to play out in this story. And, of course, you tell every BTS fan exactly who this story is about right up front.
Blurb/synopsis: 7/10
The quote. I'm not a big fan of story excerpts in the blurb, although other people like them, so I'm not knocking points for that. I do think it should go after the blurb, though. When a potential reader clicks on your book and gets that pop-up, they don't get to see the full blurb, so the part they do see needs to hook them right away. So, I'd actually move the quote down so your story blurb is the first thing a possible reader sees.
Now, for that blurb. I like short and sweet, and that's what you have here. I also like single-sentence lines that tell just a little and leave you in suspense for the rest, so you're already on the right track. There are a few little grammatical errors that dull your hook, but they're easy to resolve. First, May needs to be introduced right at the start of the sentence. She's the main character, I presume, so you don't want to bury her name in the middle of a sentence. Dropping it right at the start makes it stick in the potential reader's mind. A little tweaking, and this is what I came up with: "May already had plenty of hardships in her life, but she decided to date a famous singer from BTS anyway."
It feels better to me to push Kim SeokJin's name into the second line. I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe it's to keep the emphasis on May in that first sentence? Or to add a layer of mystery? Not that it's too much of a mystery, since his name's in the title, but it still adds suspense and interest. Anyway, I think it works better for him to have his own intro after her intro. Something like, "But Kim SeokJin came with trouble and dark secrets." That also adds a nice reveal that answers one question and raises others, further hooking the reader's interest.
I'm also tweaking the wording a bit here to give each sentence more of an edge. Condensing a sentence and choosing harder-sounding words increases the impact and the appeal of each sentence. Doing that with the next sentence is tricky, because I'm not entirely sure of your meaning, and I think it's the "them" that's tripping me up. Is "them" the "dark secrets?" If so, clarifying here would be a good idea, and contrasting "secrets" with an opposing concept would improve your hook. "The truth" would be a good choice. And then add "him" before "go" to indicate that the choice she makes will decide whether she stays with Kim SeokJin or leaves him.
