In My Opinion

Unwanted by Jay Stringer

Full title: Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing by Jay Stringer
Source: Upwork
Genre: Nonfiction
Subgenre: Christian, psychology, sexuality
Mature: Y (abuse of all kinds, mental illness, religion, sexual content, trauma)

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*****

Short version: Overall, this is a well-written book, colored with compassion and flavored with God's Word to provide a light to those in darkness. Just as Jesus invites us all to come without condemnation, so the author does here. There is healing for the hurting and hope for the hopeless. Unwanted sexual behaviors do not have to rule a person's life, and when the focus shifts toward identifying the root of those behaviors instead of labeling and judging the person suffering under the weight of their own shame, change becomes possible.

Long version: This is a book written primarily for people suffering from unwanted sexual behavior, but it has applications for counselors, pastors, friends, and family of affected individuals, as well as those who are curious and those who are simply searching for broad-spectrum therapeutic insights in pursuit of better emotional and mental health. The author, Jay Stringer, is an ordained minister, a mental health therapist with a master's degree in counseling psychology, and he studied under Dr. Patrick Carnes and Dr. Dan Allender for his postgraduate training, both of whom are highly qualified individuals focused on treating trauma, abuse, addiction, and sexual behavior problems. I say all that to give a basis for understanding the author's insights. He is not a random person who picked up a megaphone and somehow managed to accumulate a following. He knows his stuff.

But more than that, his approach is refreshingly compassionate and non-judgmental. The conversation surrounding sexual topics has long been a tense and heated debate across the board, and nowhere is that more obvious than in Christian circles. Purity rings, waffles and spaghetti, kissing dating goodbye, accountability partners, specialized software designed to block porn sites—these are some of the many suggested methods and waves of thought within Christian culture, and while there is at least a grain of truth and wisdom to each of them, they aren't enough. They're not comprehensive. It's much easier to denounce something as wrong and tell people to just stop doing it than it is to do the hard work of identifying the positive within the negative, unearthing the root of the problem, addressing it, and then walking alongside the broken individual on their path to redemption.

That hard work is exactly what the author does. He never shames and blames people for their sin, nor does he have a list of do's and don'ts. I would like to remind everybody that this book is titled Unwanted. That refers to a person's perception of their own behaviors, not the perceptions of others. Not once does the author call out certain behaviors and actions with the blatant or implied message that those who practice such-and-such are blackened sinners who need to seek counseling before they burn in the fires of Hell. If anybody attempts to bundle this book with others used as weapons against certain groups and communities, they clearly haven't read it. The focus is on helping individual people through their individual pain because they individually want help. And, honestly, the principles the author uses apply to any patient in emotional or mental distress. The joke about a psychiatrist or a counselor starting a session with, "Now, tell me about your childhood" holds a well-known truth. Every person is built from the ground up, birth to present, and everything that happened within their life matters and affects who they are today.

The book is divided into three parts. In the first part, How Did I Get Here?, the author delves into past abuse, trauma, and just plain dysfunctional family backgrounds. Many people don't realize what that one little apparently insignificant detail in their past is still doing to them. In the second part, Why Do I Stay?, the author addresses ongoing issues and cyclic patterns. These may be more obvious, especially since the trigger for a patient seeking help is usually something recent. Finally, in the third part, How Do I Get Out of Here?, the author discusses therapeutic techniques and lifestyle changes. If you're looking for a 12-step program to freedom, though, you will be disappointed. Unwanted sexual behavior has consequences that stretch far beyond the affected individual, and the author offers no guarantees that doing such-and-such will save a marriage, a family, a friendship, or a job. He also makes clear healing is a process that takes hard work and time, and the best way to pursue it is under the guidance of a qualified individual like a mental health therapist with experience in this particular area.

This is all based on a combination of personal experience and research; however, that research has its limitations. All the particulars about the study are provided in the book's Research Appendix for anybody who cares to read them, but what follows is my summary and my impressions.

The author completed a study with almost 3,000 individuals, composed of his patients and individuals involved in one of several organizations he partnered with for this purpose, and the resulting statistics are frequently cited in the first part of the book. Stories given by consenting patients flesh out part one, and there are anecdotes in parts two and three as well, although these are less frequent. This book is intended to speak to a wide audience; however, the survey respondents were predominantly white heterosexual males falling in the range of 18 to 32 years old, and most of the examples given within the book are of male patients. As the author is also a white heterosexual male, it may be reasonable to assume so are most of his patients, since people seeking counseling may look for someone to whom they can relate. The heavy emphasis on prostitution, pornographic use, and violence against women throughout the narrative also speaks to a male audience, although the author makes an effort to include a female perspective as well.

Research is still ongoing, based on the tone of the book and a brief perusal of the author's website, and I have some suggestions in that regard. First, find ways to survey a broader group of people. While 3,000 people sounds like a lot, in a statistical sense, it isn't. Assuming a world population of 8 billion people, that amounts to 0.000000000375% of people, and when you factor in the severe underrepresentation of minorities, women, and non-heterosexual individuals, the numbers are staggering. It isn't necessary to survey 8 billion people to make a reasonable statement, but this isn't even a representative sample of the population of the United States of America. Partnering with more organizations targeting underrepresented communities would be a big help, and I know of at least one far-reaching initiative the author may want to look into. It's called All of Us, and since its focus is gathering data from people of every group you can think of around the world to make healthcare research more applicable to minorities, it would probably be a great resource. Surveying incarcerated sexual offenders in prison may be helpful as well, especially if that reveals early warning signs that could be addressed to hopefully prevent sexual crimes.

My second suggestion is to do more research to support parts two and three of this book. The study performed only really investigated the factors described in part one, although there were some applications for part two. Instead of focusing on the past, focus on the present. What does the person seeking treatment look like? What is going on in their life outside of the unwanted behavior? Do certain sexual behaviors appear more frequently in certain people groups, or are they variable in presentation?

It would be more important to focus on part three and the future, though. There is such a heavy emphasis on facts and numbers at the beginning of the book, but none to support the vital piece of the puzzle—treatment. What is the success rate of the therapeutic methods espoused by the author versus other methods? How do you even measure success? What are the long-term consequences of unwanted sexual behaviors? That would require a longitudinal study with follow-ups at set intervals over the years, which would take a lot of work to put together and maintain; however, the results would be well worth it. What is the risk of regression? How does a marriage hold up in the face of various unwanted sexual behaviors? I'm sure the fear of losing marriage, family, and friends keeps many from seeking treatment until the problem is out of control, so having numbers to back the importance of early treatment would be powerful.

Altogether, this is a very informative book, and I enjoyed reading it. Though there are some gaps in the data, the broader message of focusing on an individual's past to identify the source of their pain is applicable to anybody in emotional or mental distress, and I hope utilizing these methods helps many people find hope and healing.