In My Opinion

The Game of Destiny by KPOP_CLUB_97

Full title: ᴛʜᴇ ɢᴀᴍᴇ ᴏғ ᴅᴇsᴛɪɴʏ || sʟᴏᴡ ᴜᴘᴅᴀᴛᴇs by KPOP_CLUB_97
Source: ᴬʳᵗⁱˢᵗⁱᶜ ᴱˣᵖʳᵉˢˢⁱᵒⁿˢ ᴬʷᵃʳᵈˢ by janefanfics
Category: Masculine Muse (Anand Kapoor)
Mature: N
Status: Ongoing
Special note (judging): I had four books from this category, and the other judge, itsmecrazY1432, had four books.
Result: 26/100

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book, or click the link in the inline comments here. →

*****

Rubric (Masculine Muse):
Overall Impact (20 points)
- 0-5: Little to no emotional impact; character is forgettable.
- 6-10: Some moments of impact, but overall impression may fade quickly.
- 11-15: Leaves a good impression; character resonates with readers throughout the story.
- 16-20: Strong emotional impact; character lingers in the reader's mind long after reading.
Writing Style and Grammar (20 points)
- 0-5: Poor writing; numerous grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that disrupts readability and comprehension.
- 6-10: Basic writing; some grammatical mistakes and inconsistent style. Limited use of varied sentence structures and vocabulary.
- 11-15: Solid writing; generally free of errors, with good sentence variety and appropriate vocabulary. Style enhances the narrative, though it may not be consistently engaging.
- 16-20: Exceptional writing; flawless grammar and punctuation, with a distinctive voice and style. The use of varied sentence structures and rich vocabulary creates a compelling and immersive reading experience.
Character Development (20 points)
- 0-5: Underdeveloped character; lacks depth and motivation.
- 6-10: Some development; has a few clear traits but feels one-dimensional.
- 11-15: Well-developed character; shows growth and complexity throughout the story.
- 16-20: Exceptionally developed character; multi-faceted with a compelling arc that resonates strongly with readers.
Relatability (20 points)
- 0-5: Character feels completely unrealistic or distant from audience experiences.
- 6-10: Character has some relatable traits, but many elements feel exaggerated or underexplored.
- 11-15: Character relatable in most aspects; readers can identify with struggles and triumphs.
- 16-20: Highly relatable character; readers see themselves in the character, making their journey impactful.
Role in Story (20 points)
- 0-5: Character serves no clear purpose; feels extraneous to the plot.
- 6-10: Character has some role in the story but does not significantly influence the narrative.
- 11-15: Character plays a meaningful role; contributes to plot development and themes.
- 16-20: Integral to the story; drives the plot forward and enriches the overall narrative.
Total: 100 points

*****

Total (Masculine Muse): 26/100

Overall Impact: 1/20
As of now, Anand Kapoor is just the jerk Rihanna bumped into in an elevator. He's a very flat, 2D character, with no physical description, no description of facial expressions or body language or tone, and extremely limited dialogue, and his two brief appearances in the story haven't done anything to change that. But I have suggestions for how to change that below.

Writing Style and Grammar: 3/20
There's a lot of awkward phrasing, I think largely due to a language barrier, but the biggest issue is probably the story format. It's very skeletal and rushed. There's no descriptive detail at all; dialogue isn't incorporated into the narrative; there's little to no emotional and thought exploration; everything is quick and jumpy, from point A to point B with nothing in-between, so there's no room for character or even plot development. I can get into the grammatical stuff here, but my biggest piece of advice, beyond looking into an editing tool to help with errors, is to explore the story more. Show instead of tell—and don't use asterisks to do it. Write it out. What does Anand look like? How does his expression change when he catches Rihanna? Is she excited and jittery about her new job? What's she wearing? Do they hear the elevator doors open and the camera clicking? What about smell? Does the hospital smell like antiseptic? Is he wearing cologne? How does it feel to have his arms around her? Can she feel his muscles? Are his hands hot? What about taste? This sense is usually the hardest to incorporate, but you could describe what she eats for breakfast to flesh out her home life and her relationship with her sister.

Anyway, moving on to grammar. You have a tendency to overuse commas, and I already mentioned awkward phrasing. For example: "Here, is a wonderful love story, which shows no matter where we are, it's always destiny which brings two persons together with heart." You don't need the commas after "here" and "story," and the last part would read smoother if you condense it to "two hearts together."

There are some run-on sentences, too, and while the story is in past tense, there are times you slip into present tense. For example: "Their father lived in West Bengal and their mother died when they were little children since then their father Raman Chakraborty is taking care of them and playing the role of mother and father." This should actually be two sentences, and the second sentence slips into present tense. So, add a period after "children," capitalize "since," and then swap "took" for "is taking" and "played" for "playing."

There are some random capitalizations in the middle of sentences. The only words you should capitalize are names, titles, and the first words of sentences. Never end a sentence or a paragraph with a comma, and don't put spaces before punctuation marks. You don't need to double up punctuation, either (!!). An exclamation mark by itself is enough. If you want more emphasis, add it into the story by describing how the person is speaking or what's going on in the situation.

A big way you could improve the story and add more detail is by writing the dialogue into the story. You have a couple of lines here or there done that way, but most of the dialogue is in this "name - text" format. That really limits you. It's good to separate speakers the way you've done, as it helps the reader follow the conversation, but there's no sense of tone, facial expressions, or body language in the current format. Also, you don't do anything to set thoughts apart from the text. I'd recommend following dialogue rules for thoughts and just putting them in italics to make them distinct.

So, taking the first section of dialogue in chapter one as an example of how to do this:

Rihanna burst through the door, startling Riya into looking up from her textbook. "I got the job!" she blurted out, her dark brown eyes shining with excitement. "Hurray! I start working at the hospital tomorrow!"
A smile spread across Riya's full lips. "Wow! That's great," she said, abandoning her homework to stand up and hug Rihanna. "I'm so happy for you. All the best for your first day."
Rihanna squeezed her sister back. "Thanks, Riya."
"You're welcome, sis."
Rihanna's mind was already racing before they stopped hugging. I wonder what I should wear tomorrow? she thought. How should I do my hair? I want to make a good impression...

This will be something you'll have to play with to develop your own style, but hopefully that gives you an idea of how to incorporate dialogue into the story and use it to bring your characters to life.

Character Development: 1/20
As I already said, there's been no character development for anybody, really, and definitely not for Anand. His two brief appearances don't explore his character at all. He's just the jerk who caught Rihanna when she tripped. But there are also only two chapters of the story right now, so it's not even really a fair comparison to other, more developed stories. You haven't had time to develop Anand, or anybody else, yet.

Relatability: 1/20
Same as above. I don't know him at all yet. Right now, he's just an unlikable guy who insults others.

Role in Story: 20/20
Well, obviously there's no story without Anand, so he plays an integral role in the story. He, and the rest of the story, just need more content and more development.