In My Opinion

Forget Me Not by LadyBethany

Full title: Forget Me Not by LadyBethany
Source: Feedback request
Genre: Fanfiction
Subgenre: Fantasy, Romance
Fandom: A Song of Ice and Fire book series by George R. R. Martin (specifically, The Princess and the Queen, The Rogue Prince, and Fire and Blood)
Mature: Y (breastfeeding, strong profanity, violence)
Status: Ongoing
Special note: LGBTQIAP+
First impressions: 34/40
Digging deeper: 88/100
Final thoughts: pending

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book.

*****

First Impressions Total: 34/40

Title: 10/10
I really like this title. It reminds me of the flower, forget-me-nots, but then it also has this wistful, almost morbid feel, and it also sounds nice and proper. So perfect for the sometimes dark and convoluted problems of royalty.

Blurb/synopsis: 9/10
This is a great blurb. It tells enough to pique my interest without spoiling everything. The first paragraph gives the overall setting, the second gets into the specifics, and the third wraps it all together. Very nice. The only thing that trips me up is the wording in the first paragraph. Actually, it's just the last three words. "Had started sprouting." That feels a bit clumsy to me, but there's nothing necessarily wrong with it. "Begun to sprout?" Or "were sprouting?" I think I like "were sprouting" better. But this is me nitpicking here, because I can't really find anything else wrong with this, and this isn't necessarily wrong, either, so feel free to ignore me. ;)

Cover: 7/10
I feel like fanfiction covers are tricky, because you want fans from the same fandom to know that's what the story is just by looking at the cover. But I think it's also a good idea to draw other readers, people who aren't necessarily fans or even familiar with the fandom, because a good story transcends all that, and a good way to do that is with a nice, attractive cover. So, this isn't bad. I'm assuming the images of people are from the show, and I like the crest at the top and the text at the bottom. I think something other than black for the background is needed here. Not a solid color, but maybe a gradient, or an image that works with the show? I don't know if that would be a castle or a grassy hillside or the sky, but something like that. It just feels like the images have been cut and pasted here, and having an active background would reduce or eliminate that feel. It could also tie the images together even more, depending on what you choose. Last thing, I don't like "by" in front of the author's name, because that's implied. But that's me being picky.

First chapter (and everything that came before it): 8/10
So, normally, I can copy and paste my first overall comment at the end of the first chapter to summarize my thoughts on this section, but that doesn't really work here. You've done a lot of editing since that first comment, which is great. This is cleaner and easier to follow for the uninitiated like me now. You've kept a nice and proper tone, befitting an account of royalty, which I really like. I mentioned before a lot of shorter sentences that give this a bit of a choppy feel, and I can see that you've gone through and varied sentence length and structure more since then. I think you could do even more, but this is much better. You introduce a lot in this first chapter, but it doesn't feel overwhelming anymore. I know we've talked about adding in a chapter listing the characters to help readers keep track of everybody, and that will help when you get that done, but this is easier to follow since you edited it. So. Historical fiction, tumultuous royalty, illegitimate children, inbreeding (or linebreeding) of the royal family line - and it all revolves around an innocent baby's birth. Lots of foreboding. Not sure if I should be excited or concerned for her, but no matter what, she's in for a wild ride, and so is the reader.