Mafia Life

20 | Hard

3 months later

Every time I think of you, I feel sick. You have ruined me, I feel broken all the time. It makes me question even now what is real and what isn't.

I wonder sometimes if you think of me and what you have done to me. Do you feel proud of yourself? Of what you accomplished? Destroying a woman from the inside out and robbing her of ever feeling the same.

The time I was with you, I ghosted everyone. I didn't message Nora, My brother, Belle or anything. I wanted to spend all my time with you. I chose you over everyone. Why would I do that? I don't fucking know.

You have cause a strain on my mental and physical health. Nora put me into therapy and takes me to a psych a couple times a month. I don't know what you did to me but you have completely and utterly made me someone I'm not

Even though you tried to call me after kicking me out. There was nothing left to say, you couldn't hurt me anymore than you already have.

- Addison

I write in my journal every morning. My therapist said it would help understand how I'm feeling. Today I was seeing my therapist again.

"Good morning Addison take a seat" The therapist says. She looks at me and her face whelms with sadness. "Still not eating properly sweetheart" I shake my head.

"If you don't start putting on weight, you're going to end up in a hospital" The therapist says concerned. "I-I physically can't eat the thought it I-I feel ill and it brings back too many memories" She nods her head to my words and writes some notes down.

"Nora has said you've been getting better though day by day it hurts a bit less" She questions. "A little" I shrug.

She hands me a piece of paper, "draw how you feel" I look at her confused. I pick up the pen and start drawing.

"Can you describe to me what you just drew?" She says. I begin explaining, "I feel lonely, dumb and angry- so I drew myself sitting in the corner of a room, everything talking to each other, then me saying something and everyone pointing at me and teasing me. Then I get so angry the anger turns into pain and hurt and I just cry."

She listens to me talk then says, "I think we stop writing in the journal now, can I have it?" I hand it to her and look at her to see what she will say next.

"Nora tells me you used to sing when you were younger. I want you to turn your pain or anything you're feeling into a song. Then perform it infront
of a crowd and express your emotions in a beautiful way that everyone can understand" She says.

"I haven't sung since I was 12" She stops me from keep talking "Doesn't mean you can't now." I nod.

It was the end of our session and I get up and leave going back to Nora's house. I've been staying for a while now.

"What did you talk about today" Nora asks me. "She wants me to write a song and perform it" I say. Nora seems excited "That's really cool." Nora runs over to the computer and searches something.

She turns back around, "Look." I come over to the computer.

'Singer needed for Friday night live' the website read.

I looked at Nora. I shake my head. "Come on, the therapist said so."
"Okay fine" I say. Making Nora give me a big smile. I guess I have until Friday to write some songs to perform.

...

Writing songs actually came really to me. I just wrote what I felt. Tonight was Friday Night Live, so thank the lords I was ready. I feel like writing these songs have really healed me.

It made me even understand how I was feeling. Maybe the songs I wrote will even help others understand how they feel because emotions are fucking hard.

Putting them into words made everything connect  in my brain to what I was feeling. I feel great, the best I've felt since him.

...

This was going to be my real first time out in public. I didn't go out of the house unless it was to go to therapy really. Those times were tough but I'm better now.

"Belle!!!" I say when I see her when arriving at the show. I gave her a backstage pass. "How was Italy?" I asked. Oh yeah forgot to say she went on holiday who knows why but yeah.

"Addison, babe what happened to you" She says when she looks at my body "Your so fucking skinny." I bite my lip, "It's been rough here since you were gone."

"I had no idea" She says bringing me into a hug. "Not your fault" I say releasing from the hug. "It's about to start go get your spot in the vip section" I tell her. She waves goodbye and leaves to find her spot. I see her and Nora found each other and are some talking in the vip section, good the two most important girls here. I feel more comfortable and confident now.

I shake off my nerves, roll my shoulders and crack my neck and finger. I breathe out heavily, "I got this, you're fine, you got his" I took a breath and walked out on the stage as the announcer said "Welcome Addison Hendricks to the stage" The crowd cheers.

The announcer hands me the microphone and I wave to the crowd. Oh my god there must of been a couple thousand of people here. I clear my throat, "I wrote these songs myself and I hope if you're struggling these songs are relatable and help you in anyway." The crowd cheers again.

"This is called the grudge"

(play music at top)

I have nightmares each week 'bout that Friday in May
One phone call from you and my entire world was changed
Trust that you betrayed, confusion that still
lingers
Took everything I loved and crushed it in between your fingers
And I doubt you ever think about the damage that you did
But I hold onto every detail like my life depends on it
My undying love, now, I hold it like a grudge
And hear your voice every time I think I'm not enough

The crowd was moved by my words and was reacting off my energy.

And I try to be tough, but I wanna scream
How could anybody do the things you did so easily?

I feel a familiar presence around me. Like close to me. I feel a stare on me.

The arguments that I've won against you in my head

Yeah I'm so tough when I'm alone, and I make you feel so guilty
And I fantasize about a time when you're a little fuckin' sorry
And I try to understand why you would
do this all to me

I see a black hoodie in the crowd as I'm singing. They were much taller than everyone else. Who was it? They had their head down and were listening to the lyrics.

I sing the chorus and then bridge then my voice goes softer for the outro.

And I try to be tough, I try to be mean
But even after all this, you're still everything to me
And I know you don't care, I guess that that's fine
But you know I can't let it go, I've tried, I've tried, I've tried for so long
It takes strength to forgive, I'm not quite sure I'm there yet
It takes strength to forgive, but

I stop singing and the crowd goes wild. Causing me to smile one of my first in months. "Thank you" I say into my microphone.