A Faltering self (Distorted Reality book 2)

Chapter 35- Why don't you hate me?

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(Kalston's pov)

I screwed up! AGAIN!

How many times am I going to let my anger get the better of me? How many times am I going to falt to hurting someone to protect someone else with it only resulting in more hurt? How many times am I going to be the monster who ends up scaring her?

Madison deserves better than this! Better than me!

Idiot!

I can't keep doing this, but I'm not sure how to stop. I've grown so used to this, I'm not sure if I can be saved from the darkness I'm in. That I am...

I thought she was saving me, pulling me back into the light, helping me be a better self...

But I'm the one that caused her to shut down this time.

You're no better than him!

'All you do is drag everyone around you into the pit you've caused. Deeper into the dark alongside you.'

I'm sorry...

I should have held myself better than that.

I shouldn't have let Zach rile me up like that. It's just... The way he was talking. How he was talking about Madison, she deserved better than that.

How could she grow up with someone like that?

I can't stop pacing my room, it's the only thing keeping me from making further of a scene. That and seeing what I did to Madison, how she was on the floor like a scared little kid before running off. The look on her face before she did.

'You're a monster. That's all you'll ever be. You can masquerade as this nice guy, but it doesn't change who you truly are.'

I have to figure out how to leave before I make things worse.

I can't keep hurting her. I can't keep pretending my being here is doing anything good for her. I have to figure out a way to protect her from afar. But for that to be, I need to find a way for him to be out of her life too. There's no point in leaving if he's just going to still be there. I might be a monster, one maybe even close to him, but at least I know what it means to leave someone alone for the better and not obsess on keeping them to the point you smother them and any joy they have left.

The frustration of it all begins to boil over again. Not knowing what to do. Not wanting to leave, but knowing I have to. Not wanting any more hurt to come to Madison. Knowing that leaving now will only make things worse, yet unsure if my staying is any better. Not wanting to lose her. Not wanting to call defeat. Not wanting to lose the smallest bit of myself I feel has come back to me after so long. Not wanting to lose Someone Else I LOVE!

Why? WHY DOES IT COME TO THIS EVERY ******* TIME?!

With no one around, I let my fist hit the wall where at least this time the action won't hurt or scare anyone. That is the reason I'm always best when I'm alone, or around others who at least deserve the pain I bring.

I find myself breaking down, and again my anger turns to God as I can't shut myself from crying this time as the pain from the past, forever floods out.