A Faltering self (Distorted Reality book 2)

Chapter 47- Stewing in Frustration

(Matt's POV)

I'm still trying my best not to let my frustration show. I can't lie; the longer it sits, the more I find myself barely able to even stand sitting next to Madison.

'She's using you. She's pulling you along, making you think that she cares, when all she wants is what you can give to her.'

That's not true.

'How are you so sure about that?'

...

'Exactly, you can't be.'

'The only reason you're even in her life is to be of use to someone else. You're only here to protect her for someone else. This was never you're life to begin with. None of it is. It's all a show for her to trust you. If she knew who you really were, what you've done, then she wouldn't even stand to be near you. You would terrify her. She could never love you.'

The conversation goes on around me, and I can't even find myself able to care enough to listen to more than knowing if I need to say anything.

"Dear heavenly Father, We come to you in prayer to thank you for the blessings of today."

And like he knew I'm already struggling and having trouble not giving in to the dark, along comes his whispers in my ear to make things worse.

"Stop caring so much."

I'm Trying!

"Thank you... Thank you for, food, and us, together."

"She's a bad influence on you."

Ha! Yeah, like I'm not the one who's worse here.

'She makes you think that it's okay to be normal when you know how dangerous that is.'

"Please, bless the food... we're about to eat."

"You're on a string, and you're-"

His abrupt stop makes me take note of someone staring. I want to look, but between the feeling coming from my right and Madison's words tripping on themselves, it's enough to tell me that she's the one watching me.

Does she know I'm mad?

'You clearly haven't done much to hide it.'

"Help this evening... to be... end well. Help us all to get home safe... and..."

There's a longer pause than the rest, yet I still do my best to keep my eyes shut.

I need to try harder not to let my anger show.

'If you screw this up, he won't trust you with something so important again.'

Than I better not screw up.

"... Help us to have a good rest of the evening. In Jesus's name we pray, amen."

I still can't let myself look her way as I'm afraid of what seeing her will tell me. Instead, I'll hope I haven't screwed this up too much and that if I go back to playing friendly, it will be enough to overlook my mood souring.

You need to do better!

"Thanks, it's a family recipe."

Lord...

'Don't. You don't need Him.'

"No, it's not."

He helped before... Didn't he?

"Yeah, it's Meemaw's."

'Then how come he's back to whispering in your ear. Obviously, God didn't do much to help. You're too far gone, so why would He help you out now?'