A Faltering self (Distorted Reality book 2)

Chapter 61- Feelings Slipping Through

(Matt's POV)

I'm not sure how I feel. My body's light and mind fuzzy as things run like I'm going through water. Like my mind can't fully control my body the way I want. My mind thinks one thing, but whatever I do or say doesn't come out as accurate. I'd probably hate myself if I could think to. I'm certain I will in the morning. But, for the night, I just want the feeling of happy to stay. I need the distraction from the glances I wish were between my Sunshine and I. The touches shared between us, and her disappearance with me instead like earlier. It's like the more things progress, the worse I feel that things aren't what I want. The more I hate to see her in love with him.

Where did she go?

I try to remember the last time I saw her and I remember that it was shortly after the game was finally done. She was helping everyone settle in for the night.

She's so sweet.

What am I supposed to be doing?

I notice that I'm outside in the fresh air and I can't remember why I came out here. I'm laying in the grass, looking at the stars before someone comes out and lays next to me. Her presence is unmistakable. I turn my head to the right to see my sunshine.

"Hey, what are you doing out here?"

She looks at me and her eyes sparkle under the moonlight.

"You're so pretty."

My words are out before I realize, and I'm not sure if I should have said them.

"I'm sorry... I, my words, that stayed should have stayed inside."

Why can't I say things right?

She smiles and it makes me happy to see her do so.

"No, it's fine, and thank you. But, it looks like someone might have had a bit too much tonight. Why don't you come inside?"

"But it's nice so out here. A just little longer?"

Just a little longer with us alone...

My Sunshine laughs before turning her eyes up at the stars.

"Okay, but then we go inside and get you into bed."

I try to flirt. It's something I don't understand exactly why I do, but I take the chance to do it anyway.

"With you? That would be nice."

Something about my words seems to throw her off. She seems sad again.

Was it me?

"I'm sorry, I was joking. I know you don't like me. It's okay."

Why is it never me? Just this once, I wish it was.

I look above us and can feel her eyes on me for a quick second before they're gone. She's quiet for what feels like too long.

"I like you, Matt. A lot really. I'm just in love with someone else, and you deserve someone that cares for only you."

The words hurt as soon as I hear them. I knew she was more into Kalston, but that. It's too much right now.

"You don't have to worry about me, Madison. I'll be in in a moment."

Her eyes are on me again for only a second. They always stray. Always.

"But you're worth worrying about."

My words again come out before they have time to not. This time they carry more hurt than I normally would allow. As if my normal filter for things before they come out is down at the moment.

"Just enough not to choose over him, right? That's okay, I'm used to it. I wanted you to be different, but I guess that I was wrong. Seriously, Madison, I want to be left alone."

She hesitates before heading in, and the night is lonely as soon as she's gone until someone else lays down beside me with a voice I hate as soon as it's here.

"Not your best work."

"Shut up."

"I told you wanting her was a mistake. Now look at you, Matthias, hurt and alone. But at least you have me."

"I said shut up!"

"Careful. I'd keep your voice down. Madison might know your secret, but the others don't."

He's right.

I realize that I let myself slip up too much. Between the alcohol and heartbreak, I let go of my rational mind.