A Faltering self (Distorted Reality book 2)

Chapter 41- Determination

(Kalston's POV)

I can't lose this. I can't lose her.

Whatever it takes, I need to make sure we get out of this.

Every time Madison goes seems brighter than before as she leaves some of herself behind. And yet, that same light, when it's faded, reveals how far in the dark I am without her. I can't keep letting myself stay in it. Not if what was shown already is that it will hurt her. She might have shown that she's not afraid of me, but that is part of what will make this harder. I can't let her slip into a pattern with me the same way I did with Adeline. I can't be the one to slip chains onto her that pull her to a place this hard to come back from. I can't be that to her. I won't. Especially when she's already dealing with so much that could be the thing to do the same.

Whatever it is that has its grip on her, I want to be the safe she's become to me.

The more I dig up about her past, the more I'm desperate to be that for her, and with so many more walls in place I need to get through, I'm afraid of what I'll find.

How is she still so fine?

I already know the answer Madison would give, but I'm unwilling to admit to myself that that's the case. I'd rather stick to believing she's strong on her own. Many people are when they grow up in something that can crush you. When you go through the dark, you either get crushed by it or survive one of two ways. She seems to have chosen the path I didn't. Which is all the more reason I need to be sure not to be that to shift her path.

Lord-

No.

I can do this without Him. With every time before, I can't chance that my choice wouldn't somehow rub His hate for me onto her. I'd rather stick to figuring this out like every time before.

'But has that ever really worked before?'

...

I'm not ready yet.

While I fix myself, I understand even less how I've not scared Madison away. Even though she cleaned off the skin that was broken, the cuts still are clear enough to show a face battered alongside the red rising slightly to show even further bruises I didn't notice would have been. Maybe it's knowing my habits and history that I see more the monster I am in the mirror, but still, I don't see how anyone wouldn't look at me and not be at least on guard. Yet, she didn't hesitate to show she wasn't.

'You're going to hurt her.'

How can I protect her when I can't even keep myself from giving in to others' games?

Toying with people was Adeline's favorite thing to do, so I should be used to it. She isn't even the only one I've known who does enjoy such things.

I notice myself beginning to grow more grim and I know that I can't keep down this trail of thought. It's not a matter of why Madison isn't afraid of me, instead, I need to focus on the fact that she isn't. That simple fact shows me even more of why I love her. Why I'm drawn to her. Why I need to be one to protect her.

She's too good for this world.

I wouldn't say she's naive, but her nature is definitely one that always chooses to see the good instead of bad that seeps deep into this world. Like many I've known that were taken...

Is that it? Is that why you keep taking them? I don't deserve to have them in my life because I can't see things the same?!

You made me, right?! So why are you going to make me suffer for making me someone who sees the sins in this world?!

How is that fair?!

Create-

...

I need to stop. Again, I'm slipping into anger when I don't need to. Instead of focusing on those taken, I need to realize I'm in a moment where maybe I can change the pattern. That even though everything in me screams not to trust this time around, I can maybe show my worth by letting this time be different. If I'm wrong, it's still not me that I'm worried about. He'll have to deal with the monster He creates. On the other hand, if I don't let myself give this time a chance, it's not me that will suffer worse. I can't let Madison be left alone in this. I won't. That in itself makes whatever comes out of it on my end worth it.

Just one more time.

So that means I have to keep myself in check. I have to be sure to seriously not let myself give in anymore to my usual self. I also need to make sure I play this game better than him. I have to use what I've learned and use it against him. I'll be his worst nightmare to take her out of this. Even if that means it costs me.

I head out the door finally, being sure to take a few seconds further at the girls' door to gather myself.