Corrupted Constructs

Chapter 43

'It's better this way. This is the best thing for you. This is what you wanted. Needed,' is what Lexa needs to keep repeating to herself over and over again just to be able to breathe.

It's what she needs to believe to be able to cope with what just happened. What she made happen.

And she repeats it like a mantra as she walks all the way home on this cold, dark night.

Cold and dark in more ways than one.

At least they had been at Clarke's place though, so the blonde was already safely at home. She wouldn't have to manage traveling across town in a furious, upset, or hurt state. She would be safe within the confines of her apartment.

Once she makes it back to her condo, she takes a scalding hot shower, trying to wash away, or better yet, burn off the very recent memories and the hurt. But all she manages to do is get her skin all over her body to turn bright red.

She goes through the motions of putting on clean pajamas while staying far away from the pieces of sleepwear the blonde loved most such as that satin nightdress, brushing her teeth, and applying her moisturizers and night creams.

Then, she lies down in her mostly dark room, listlessly staring up at the ceiling.

She contemplates texting or calling the blonde and apologizing profusely. Explaining everything. Telling her how sorry she is and that she didn't mean any of it. But no, that would be a horrible idea. Because this is what she needed. This was what was best for her. For them both. This was the only way for her heart to survive, because this way losing Clarke was within her own control.

Her chest is burning as much as her eyes are when her alarm goes off in the morning, not having closed her eyes for longer than it takes to blink since she got back.

But life goes on, so she gets up, puts on her gym clothes, and starts her daily routine.

--

From the moment Alexandria had left her apartment and as soon as she was able to move again, Clarke had grabbed some of the empty and folded up cardboard boxes that she had stored away after moving and taped up the bottoms so she could actually put things in them.

Then, she had put on a pair of headphones, blasting loud and angry music. Ideally, that would have been done through her sound system, but she was a thoughtful neighbor. And then, she started rage cleaning.

She scrubbed down every single surface in her apartment and tossed each and every piece of clothing, each cream, and even the toothbrush and hairbrush Lexa had left at her place carelessly in the box.

Once all floors and surfaces were almost shining, she takes another empty box and walks past her walls where she rips off picture after and picture that has the brunette in it or is taken by the brunette.

Initially, she tries telling herself she'll just toss everything, so it doesn't matter if anything breaks, but once she hears that first cracking sound and it feels like it's coming from her barely there heart, she proceeds a bit more gently until all that's left are empty spaces, pictures of her friends and family, and that enormous piece of art with the sea creature that she'd never be able to get down by herself. Not even if she was perfectly healthy.

This entire time that she had been getting around and cleaning, she had been doing so without her crutches or knee scooter, and it's not until she finishes everything up and sits down for the first time in hours, that that minor mistake starts catching up with her.

Her leg is throbbing painfully and the longer she sits, she sharper the pain gets. And the leg looks swollen.

Clarke grimaces as she tries to massage it and move it around like she was taught, then she desperately looks at the mobility aids that were all located across the room and towards her opened bedroom door, where her painkillers were stored.