Corrupted Constructs

Chapter 44

When Clarke opens the door, ocean meets forest once again and her stare instantly hardens. They look at each other for several seconds, the brunette's eyes swimming with emotion.

Clarke notices how her former lover looks like she's been crying and for a moment Clarke almost feels bad for her. She almost opens her arms and lets the other woman fall straight into them.

It was a habit. A bad habit. She was still addicted.

But once she can breathe again, she pushes the door shut without saying a word. That is, she tries to, but right at the last second, something stops it. Or rather, someone. Lexa pushed her foot in before she could shut it.

She opens the door a bit again, looking at the brunette, not a trace of emotion in her features.

"Move," she demands flatly.

Lexa holds her gaze for another moment, then she does move.

She drops down on her knees in the threshold, her kneecaps slamming on the floor with a bruising impact before she casts her eyes down to the floor and starts talking, her voice soft, and fragile, yet open, although it's trembling.

"There aren't any words to describe how sorry I am for the way I have treated you and pushed you away and I know forgiveness is the last thing I deserve, but I can explain why I did what I did. And I know it'll make you understand and give you closure. I know you'll understand because you have the biggest heart of any person I've ever met, so please, I beg you to give me five minutes."

Clarke uncomfortably looks into the hallway where one of her neighbors walks by and looks at them weirdly. But if Lexa notices, and how could she not because that specific neighbor loved walking as if he was an elephant, she clearly isn't bothered by it.

She swallows thickly, takes a deep breath, then flatly says, "You get two."

Lexa nods her head curtly, then she starts speaking again, sounding more nervous than Clarke has ever heard her.

"You already know how I lost both my parents, then I lost my sister for years, I lost every friend I ever made until I gave up on making friends. I also lost my foster siblings and parents over and over again and I didn't care about most of them because they were pretty awful to me, but it just got added to a long list of people that left. Then I lost you. I lost you when I found out you were an undercover agent. I lost you when I screwed you over. And I nearly lost you again when you got hit by that car. For hours on end, I didn't know if you were alive or dead." The brunette swallows again and Clarke has to look away when tears start running down Lexa's cheeks.

"Then you had to go into surgery again. Two more times. Surgeries come with risks. I know those two surgeries were routine and the odds of anything going wrong weren't very high, but still... there was the risk you wouldn't wake up. I couldn't bear the thought of losing you, Clarke. Not like that. I would never get over that. Never." Lexa's voice breaks and Clarke places her hand on the wall by the door to steady herself and physically hold herself back from dropping to her knees in front of the brunette and pulling her into her arms.

Again, Lexa has to take a few steadying breaths before she manages to continue. "So, I pushed you away because I thought it would be easier. I thought it would be for the best. I thought it wouldn't make me feel like the best part of me was ripped away from me and I would never be able to breathe again. Like the sun would never rise again. But it did. It does. God, it hurts so bad, Clarke. And I only have myself to thank for ruining the best thing that has ever happened to me because I was so fucking scared of losing you."

Lexa's previously straight back rounds as she falls back onto her feet and her shoulders curl in on herself, her hands covering her face and her back heaving uncontrollably, sobbing sounds coming from her balled up body.