SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL, J.HUGHES

FORTY SIX

                                                                             MORGAN'S POV

After all this time, I think there's no explanation to be said. 

Commitment is fucked up. 

I mean, of course life is based on a big commitment. For the rest of your life you'll be stuck with your own mind. You and you. 

I've always thought about life in these grand, poetic terms, you know? Like, we're all stars or some shit, burning bright until we flicker out. But now, it feels like my star is being snuffed out way too soon. It's not fair. And honestly, I'm scared. Scared out of my mind.

I look in the mirror, and I don't even recognize the girl staring back at me. She looks lost, like she's searching for answers that no one can give. Every new spot on my skin feels like a countdown. I just want to scream, cry, throw things – anything to make this pain stop, to wake up from this nightmare.

People always say, "Stay strong," but what if I don't want to be strong? What if I just want to break down and let the tears flow? It's like there's this pressure to be brave and inspirational, but all I feel is anger and sadness. It's okay to feel weak, right? To admit that I'm fucking terrified?

And you know what's the worst part? The uncertainty. Not knowing what comes next.

Life is unfair to me, and it doesn't matter how much I pray, life is unfair period. Everything started to go as planned. I have my apartment, my dream job, and Jack and I got together. Everything was fucking perfect.

And he doesn't even know yet.

How do you even tell someone that kind of news? How do you look the person you love in the eyes and shatter their world with three simple words: I have cancer. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I can barely handle it myself; how can I expect him to?

I throw away my bowl of pasta I took on a takeout tonight instead of making dinner myself. To be honest, I'm far from being productive this week. I heard the ugliest news of my life for a second time, and I miss Jack. Missing Jack is enough to make me feel sick.

I've called him so many times this week even though I knew he was occupied. It got the better of me. I'm scared he'll forget about me. He's all I ever wanted, and now I'm scared he'll forget how much he loves me, how much I love him.

I keep replaying our last conversation in my head, trying to hold onto his voice, his laugh, the way he says my name. I know it's irrational. I know he loves me. But this news, it changes everything.

Today, I tried to go to work, but I wasn't feeling it. Like yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. My fridge needs to be refilled, and I was supposed to do that today. And guess what? I didn't. Maybe I'll do it later on tonight, but for now, it's a no-go.

I scroll through social media, seeing everyone else living their lives, and it's like I'm stuck on the sidelines, watching from a distance.

Jack doesn't know any of this. He thinks I'm just busy with work, maybe a little stressed. He doesn't know that I spend my days lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering how the hell I'm supposed to keep going. He doesn't know that every time I hear his voice, I have to fight back tears, because I'm so scared of losing him.

"No, I can't believe it," I gasp, my hands flying to cover my mouth. The shock hits me like a slap, and I hear everyone's laughter ripple through the room from behind the camera. My vision starts to blur as tears well up in my eyes, threatening to spill over.

"I knew she would cry," Jack smirks, turning the camera towards his face, his cocky grin filling the screen. His voice is teasing, but there's a hint of affection there. He quickly swivels the camera back to Quinn and his wife, who's beaming with joy.

Quinn waves the ultrasound closer to the camera, and the image of the tiny, grainy baby comes into focus. It's so surreal, so mind-blowing. The joy is too overwhelming, and I just collapse onto the couch, my hand still clamped over my mouth as I sob like a baby. The tears stream down my face, each one a mix of shock, happiness, and a million emotions I can't even name.

"Holy shit, you're going to be a dad!" I manage to choke out between sobs, my voice cracking. I can hear Jack laughing, his deep, rich laugh that always sounds like he's half-mocking, half-loving.

"Yeah, I guess I am," Quinn says, his voice filled with a mixture of pride and disbelief. "Can you believe it?"

I shake my head, trying to compose myself. "This is incredible. I'm so happy for you guys."

"Quinn, I think you made her cry more than I ever did," Jack jokes, causing another round of laughter. I can't help but laugh too, even as the tears keep coming. It's ridiculous and beautiful all at once.

"I wouldn't bet on that, but anyway," I manage between giggles, wiping my cheeks.

Quinn's wife nudges him playfully, her eyes sparkling. "Get used to it, Uncle Jack. You'll have to deal with a lot of crying babies soon."

Jack groans dramatically, rolling his eyes. "Great, more crying. Just what I needed."

I laugh harder, wiping my tears again with the back of my hand. "You're such an ass, Jack."

Ironically, it's like all the tears I've been holding for the end of my healthiness are now flowing for the start of this new life.

"Yeah, but you love me," he shoots back, winking at the camera. "Besides, you're gonna be the best aunt ever."

"Damn right I will," I sniffle, finally managing to pull myself together.

The camera zooms in on the ultrasound picture again, and I can't help but feel a surge of love for the tiny human who's going to turn our world upside down. I reach out and touch the screen gently, as if I could somehow connect with the baby.

"I can't wait to meet you, little one," I whisper, feeling a sense of peace wash over me.

"And you know what," Luke says, grabbing the phone and giving the camera a knowing look. "When he came to New Jersey, he already knew they were having a baby," he says, pointing my way with a mischievous grin.

My eyebrows shooting up in surprise. "You sneaky little shit," I laugh, wiping the last of my tears.

Quinn shrugs, his smile sheepish but proud. "Yeah, but we wanted to wait until the 13-week mark," he adds, glancing at his wife, who nods in agreement.

"Oh, and do you know who's going to be the godfather?" Jack asks, lifting his eyebrows suggestively.

"Who?" I ask, my voice still thick with emotion as I sniffle, trying to regain my composure.

"Me!" Luke exclaims, a satisfied grin spreading across his face. Jack rolls his eyes, letting out an exasperated sigh.

"No, me, obviously," Jack retorts, giving Luke a shove.

Quinn takes back the phone, chuckling at their fight. "Actually, we haven't decided yet," he says, cutting through their mock argument. "We're still figuring that out."

Jack and Luke both stop, turning to Quinn with a mix of surprise and curiosity. "Seriously?" they say in unison.

"Yep, seriously," Quinn replies, grinning. "So, you both better be on your best behavior if you want to be considered."

Luke crosses his arms, leaning back in his chair with a confident smirk. "I'm always on my best behavior."

"Shut up," I tell him. 

"Tomorrow I'll win for my niece or nephew, what ever that is," Jack says.

Luke cheers taking Jack's side, but Quinn let them know to watch out because tomorrow's game won't be easy.