In Every Hues

Chapter 22

Confess

"Alam mong babae ang gusto ko," aniya nang makabawi sa gulat.

My jaw clenched after hearing that from him. Tumingala ako at nakangising tinitigan ang kisame, bago ko binalikan siya ng tingin.

He eventually bit his lower lip, as if he regretted what he said. Lumayo ang kaniyang tingin at umigting ang panga.

Why would he even be interested in me? I'm not what he wants. I'm not what he prefers. Gaya pa nga ng sabi niya, magkaibigan lang kami!

It was me. It was all in me. He may liked a guy back then, but I'm not that guy.

"Alam ko. Pero ganito yung nararamdaman ko, eh." My voice quivered.

Namulsa siya at pilit na kinalma ang sarili, naguguluhan pang nagbaba ng tingin sa sahig. I stared at him with tender eyes that he couldn't even meet in such a few seconds.

"I just wanted you to know. And I didn't mean to lose control, but I guess I would still be blamed for being drunk." Napalunok ako nang may bumara sa lalamunan ko. "I'm sorry for... kissing you."

Pilit kong dinadalangin na sana magsalita siya. Nakakuyom lang ang kaniyang kamao at masama ang tingin sa sahig.

I'd rather let him say things against me, than to watch him not saying anything at all. Mas malalaman ko pa kung ano ang iniisip niya.

"But I'm never gonna feel sorry for falling for you."

Nanlamig ako nang mag-angat siya ng tingin. He looked so confuse and his eyes were like searching for answers!

"I guess, you're confused. But maybe it was in those moments where I was looking for answers, and I found a different reason to keep you in tact in me."

Namulsa ako at mariing sinalubong ang tingin niya. He couldn't stand the intensity of my gaze that he looked away, wandering around Cali's ugly room.

I kept staring at him because the stains in his neck and face kept distracting me. It was a beautiful mess. It was way too beautiful that I appreciated such a cosmetic product.

"Ibang pakiramdam ang nahanap ko sa 'yo sa gitna noon. Napapansin ko rin ang mga bagay na hindi ko naman dapat mapansin sa kapwa ko... lalaki." I swallowed the huge bile in my throat.

It took me so much courage to say these things. I wanted to back out, but we're already here. At least, he's aware, right?

Importanteng alam niya. Importanteng nasabi ko. Kung may pagsisihan man ako, iyon ay ang bakit pa pinanganak si Caliver at iniwan kaming dalawa sa kwarto niya! Hayop siya!

"I haven't thought of what I would lose if I would confess to you. Because I never wanted to hesitate of what I wanted to do for feeling this, anyway. Because I know you don't deserve the hesitation."

Because even if I tried to deny this many times, the answer is already pointing at me! I wouldn't act like a damn baby or a brat if I don't like him.

"It was in those moments where I liked your reaction more. That I would love... every hues of your emotions, despite thinking that it's ugly. That I would choose to understand and feel you, rather than to let you slip away..."

Another silence passed. The atmosphere was too heavy, and his reaction that was unreadable made it heavier than it was before.

I chuckled, even though my chest felt too heavy. "Say something, please. Kahit puro na lang mura, kahit suntukin mo na lang ako."

He stared at me. "Maybe you're just confused. You kind of liked Maureen, right, Yohan?" He lifted his eyes to look at me, doubt was evident in his voice.