In Every Hues

Chapter 28

Fall

"Yohan Louis, kumain ka ng maayos!"

I blinked my eyes and ate my food. Bumuntong-hininga si Lola at umupo sa tapat ko. Si Mommy ay nakapamewang na nanonood sa gilid ko.

"Anong problema, apo? May maitutulong ba kami?" marahang tanong ni Lola.

I smiled and shook my head as I continued to eat. Days went by, and it was suffocating me. I really wanted them to know, but I find it hard. I feel like I'm caged if they weren't aware!

"Ayusin mo ang pagkain mo, Yohan, ha. Baka bigla kang mamayat at magulat ang katawan mo sa mga pinaggagawa mo!" sermon ni Mommy.

Natulala lang saglit, ganoon na agad ang iniisip!

"Huwag ka kasing sigaw ng sigaw," ani Lola. "Kausapin mo ng maayos, hindi yung labas-litid mo kakasalita lagi!"

Bumuntong-hininga ako at mabilis na tinapos ang kinakain ko.

"Una na 'ko. Kailangan ko pang asikasuhin ang negosyo ko." Mom left the dining area.

Lola rolled her eyes, then she smiled and looked at me. Tahimik kong ininom ang kape at sinalubong ang tingin niya.

"Si Lolo po?"

"Nasa likod-bahay, nagkakape." Saglit siyang lumingon sa back door.

"Sana sinamahan niyo po do'n."

Natawa siya. "Mas kailangan mo 'ko rito."

It suddenly felt warm. Huminga ako ng malalim dahil tuwing hindi ay naluluha lang ako. I need to fucking control my emotional side here.

"La..." I was about to say it, but I immediately discarded the idea of opening up.

What would be her reaction if I tell this to her? But I really wanted her to know this side of me. She has the right to know.

Ngumiti siya at tumango. "Minsan na lang tayong mag-usap, Yohan. Habang tumatagal, nagiging busy ka na. Ganoon talaga ang buhay, apo."

"I'm sorry, La... I've been occupied lately."

"Naku! Ayos lang! Importante, umuuwi ka ng ligtas. Malaking blessing na 'yon, Yolo."

"I'm always keeping myself safe, so you don't have to worry about me." Ngumiti ako at sumubo ng bacon.

She pinched my cheek. "May problema ba? Ilang araw ka nang tulala."

I chuckled and bowed my head. "Do..." It was barely a whisper. "Do you... Do you think it's okay to like someone you thought I wouldn't end up with?"

Her wrinkled forehead creased. "Anong ibig mong sabihin, apo?"

"I mean..." I clenched my fist and couldn't meet her gaze. "In terms of who I want to love... A man, perhaps." Umangat ako ng tingin.

Nanlaki ang mga mata niya at napatayo. I closed my eyes, ready for any judgment, but her embrace sent warmth over me. Uminit ang mata ko at niyakap ang bewang niya. 

My breath hitched as I felt her, the scent of her lavender soap, the scent that always brought me back to my childhood, not my parents, but my grandparents.

"Alam kong mahirap para sa 'yong sabihin sa 'kin 'to, apo," saad niya sa malumanay na boses. "Pero alam mong proud si Lola kasi sinabi mo. Proud na proud ako..."

My tears welled up as I tightened my arms around her. I felt a wave of relief wash over me, like a dam breaking. I finally got to admit it, it talked so much about how much I wanted to be heard and seen.