stars will fall - byler

.35

TW

after a long, grueling day of school i was walking towards the library to grab my chemistry i previously left during studyhall. i walked to the table i usually sit at, expecting to see it still sitting there but it wasn't. i looked around at the other tables or even the ground for the book but it wasn't here anymore. i thought maybe the librarian had taken it so i looked around for her, but the feeling of someone's hands turning me around distracted me. before i could even see who was behind me i felt a fist making hard contact with my already bruised eye. i caught myself against the table and looked up while cursing underneath my breath. seeing troy in front of me with his face red with anger, confused yet angered me as well.
-"you raped my fucking sister?"
-"what?" i laughed.
-"sarah walsh. you lied to her and then raped her at that fucking party!" he shoved me again. i shoved him back and held my hands up towards him.
-"what the fuck are you talking about?! i didn't rape anyone!" i defended.
-"not according to her! you better get the story straight right here right now before i kill you with my fucking hands. your eyes already a little fucked up i can see, want it to look worse?" he threatened while grabbing my shirt.
-"is there a problem, boys?" the school security guard approached from behind us. he let go of me and started laughing.
-"no problem, sir. just discussing." he lied, but instead of the officer leaving he waited for us to leave. troy looked back at me and his smile immediately faded and he gritted his teeth at me.
-"we're not done." he muttered before turning around and beginning to walk towards the door. when he was turned around i saw will standing a little ways in front of me. he looked at me emotionless as troy passed him. i glared at him, begging for some advice but he didn't say anything. he followed troy out the door.
leaving me. again.

that couldn't possibly be true.. i didn't rape anyone. we had sex, she wanted to. didn't she? she never said no or stop.. did she lie to troy?
i was so stoned i can barely even remember the events. i just remember the little details, and seeing will in bed with me. that's really messed with my mind since yesterday. i didn't get any sleep at all and i was exhausted. i didn't have the energy to worry about these accusations, i just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up.

...

i ran my hand up sarah's thigh as our lips desperately pressed against each other. i needed her, i didn't care enough to ask if i could keep going. i was too in the moment. she pulled away and tried to look in my eyes but i needed to taste her. i went down towards her neck to keep kissing as i heard her soft moaning.
-"we should stop." she laughed.
but i didn't. i kept sucking into her soft, rosy skin.
-"mike, seriously. i have a boyfriend.." she chuckled slowly.
-"and? it's fine, it doesn't mean anything.." i started running my hands up her inner thighs.
-"mike, i said st.." she was cut off by my hand reaching under her dress. she struggled to tell me to stop. she was so drunk, she couldn't resist.
-"please stop, fuck.." she moaned, but i didn't listen. she tried to get out from under me but i wrapped my legs around her waist and sat over her, tearing my shirt off.
-"your eyes are so beautiful." i admired, digging my lips into her neck.
-"i don't know if we should do this.." she slurred her words.
-"it's fine, just relax." i insisted while unbuttoning my pants. she didn't resist anymore, she let it all happen. it almost looked like she was going to black out the entire time from how intoxicated she was but that didn't stop me.
-"i love you, will." i whispered in her ear as she gripped onto my back with her finger nails, trying to hold back.
i smelt wills scent. she smelled like vanilla just like he did and her hair was the same texture, her eyes were the same color..
when i pulled my head up to look into them, i saw will looking back at me.

i jolted awake, gasping for air as i looked ahead of me on my bed. i checked my watch and realized i missed my alarm for work. it was 7, my shift already ended.
-"shit." i grunted while tossing my arm down.
i suddenly remembered the dream i just had, i remembered the events from last night differently than that dream.. why did i just see that?

-"it wasn't a dream."
i turned around and saw will sitting at my desk, glaring at me blankly.
-"what?"
-"what you just saw.. it wasn't a dream." he mumbled.
-"but.. how's that possible? i don't remember it like that.. she wanted to last night. she told me to keep going." i argued.
-"you were intoxicated, mike. your mind doesn't want you to remember the actual events. you made up your version in your head."  he explained, not showing any resentment towards me.

i couldn't believe what he was telling me. did i really do that? i didn't know.. i couldn't help it.
-"you thought she was me. your mind was playing tricks on you."
i felt tears in my eyes as i looked up at him, my hands shaking uncontrollably in fear.
-"i did that..? oh my God, will." i gasped, trying to hold back sobs.
-"i tried to stop you, mike. i really did."
-"what have i done? oh God,  i'm just like him, i'm just like troy. fuck, will." i cried into my sleeve.
-"mike, stop." he walked over and sat next to me, holding onto my hands.
-"is that how you felt when troy did it to you? fuck, will.. do you hate me?"
-"of course not."
-"i would. i do, i fucking hate myself. i made her feel just like you did.. didn't i? please forgive me, will." i hyperventilated.
-"nothing you do could ever be unforgivable to me." he kissed the back of my hand, wiping my tears from my face.
-"what do i do?"
he hesitated to say anything, he just looked into my eyes blankly without blinking. it was like he was frozen in time.
-"will?" i looked into his eyes, blank and dead. there was no life in them. no sense of acknowledgment, nothing.
a knock at my door made me jump and turn my head the opposite direction. i watched as my mom opened the door and walked inside, smiling softly at me.
-"hey, honey. can we talk?"

i turned back around towards will only not to see him anymore, his hands were no longer in mine. it was like he vanished into thin air.
my mom walked over to my bed and sat down across from me while i was still focusing on wills absent presence.
-"can we talk about last night? with wills dad.. and will." she nicely suggested.
-"mom.."
-"no, i'm not judging you at all, sweetie. why didn't you just tell me what was going on between you two?"
i struggled to find the words to respond. i'm not even sure why i hid it from everyone, i regret it more than anything.
-"i don't know. i'm sorry." i looked in my lap, refusing to look her in the eyes. but she pressed her hand against my knee to show affection, making me look her in the eye.
-"i'm the one who should be sorry. i feel like i've been really distant from you. i don't know anything going on in your life." tears glistened in her eyes. i broke eye contact, feeling myself begin to cry. i couldn't look at her anymore without crying.
-"lucas called me. he says he's been trying to reach you but he couldn't get ahold of you. is everything okay?"
-"no, mom. everything's not okay.
-"what's wrong, honey?"

i scoffed, angered that she would even ask that. what the hell does she think? the other half of my soul is dead. what else could possibly be wrong?

-"i can't help you if you don't open up to me, mike. just talk to me.." her voice cracked. i looked into her eyes and saw the worry in her. i felt the pain of knowing that her son was struggling and wouldn't open up to her. knowing that there was nothing she could do to help.
-"nobody can help me, mom."

not even you.