stars will fall - byler

.37

my finger clicks down on the lighter as the flame illuminates my dark room. i hold up the candle and tilt it over, lighting it and placing it on my desk as the familiar scent of vanilla spread around the room. this was wills favorite scent, so smelling it again was like him being here with me. nobody was home at the moment, my parents went grocery shopping and they knew i wouldn't watch holly so she went with. i'm not sure where nancy is, but i overheard dad and my mom arguing about her dropping out of college to support me. i find it bullshit because i'm fine. she's jeopardizing her future because of me and i can't handle the pressure to that so i decide to not care. i realized i was staring at the flame for too long when i heard a car door from outside slamming. i stood up from my desk and looked out the window past the curtains, the light sky blinding me for the first time in days. i saw a familiar car outside and another familiar face walking up my driveway.
it was troy.

-"he's here to kill you." will whispered from behind me. i spun around and seeing his face for the first time in what felt like a lifetime brought so much relief to my mind. i threw myself in his arms and hugged him tightly, not even thinking about what he just said. we both jumped at the sound of the front door being banged on.
-"focus, mike. he has bad intentions.. you cant let him in."
-"what do i do?" i ask him.
-"let me in, michael! you cant hide away forever!" i heard troy screaming from outside.
wills face went blank and he looked in my eyes emotionless. he went into a daze and i snapped my fingers in his face, trying to keep him with me.
-"will? are you okay?"
-"he ran his hands up my shirt, even after i told him we shouldn't. that it wasn't a good idea, but i still felt his cold fingers lingering on my skin." he narrated.
-"what are you doing?" i furrowed my eyebrows as he began walking towards me.
-"'i'm not sure i want to' i told him, but he said it was fine. 'we're just having fun'"

he was talking about him and troy.
my hands clenched together as he backed me up out of my room until we reached the railing of the stairs.

-"he took my pants off and even though i was too scared to stand up to him, i was shaking and telling him another night would be best."
-"stop." i mumbled as i felt anger inside me building.
-"he still refused. he still did the things i curl up inside to think about. he touched me in ways i never wanted to be touched. i was reserving that part of myself for you.. but he took that like it was nothing." tears formed in his eyes.
-"will, please stop.." i looked into his eyes with anger and fear, unable to control the thoughts in my mind. the thoughts that were telling me to go downstairs and open the door to the guy that did these things to him.
but the look he was giving me just convinced me more. he was telling me to do this.. to hurt him.

i heard troys angry screams from outside the front door as i walked to the kitchen. my mind was trying to stop me, but my legs had a mind of its own. i reached for a shoebox at the top of a counter in the pantry and i tossed it on the counter, opening it and seeing an already loaded gun. i picked it up, my hands shaking. was this the right thing to do.
i turned around and saw will behind me. he looked at me with approval, and i knew exactly what i had to do.

-"you fucking rapist piece of s-"
i cut troys screaming off by swinging open the door and pointing the gun in his face. he held his hands up and started trembling.
-"mike.. what are you doing with that, man?" he muttered.
-"what's it look like?" i pulled off the safety switch and watched as he crumbled in fear.
-"stop, mike! please.." he cried out.
-"why could i? you didn't!"
-"what?"
-"you act like you're so fucking innocent.. i know what you did to will. you fucked him against his wishes and you're out here trying to get vengeance? for what, you would've done the same fucking thing and you know it." i snarled with the gun shaking in my hands as i gripped it with all of my strength.
-"so what's stopping me from pulling the trigger right now?" i asked him, giving him a chance to explain himself before i killed him.
-"you think i killed will? no.. you did." i held the gun higher. he looked at me with distraught, breaking down crying on the ground in front of me.
-"i don't want to die, man. i want to be a firefighter after high school. my little sisters are waiting for me back at home.. i can't die. please don't kill me."  he begged. seeing him like this for the first time brought a sense of guilt in my heart. i felt guilty for troy..
-"will wouldn't want this.. i promise you, he wouldn't. you should know that this is the last thing he'd want you to do." he looked up at me with tears in his eyes.
-"he gripped my wrists down to the bed when i told you i wasn't in the mood. you said i needed to relax. but the last thing i could do was relax when i felt your cold hands touching me." will stood next to us, looking at me with tears streaming down his face..

troy was right, will wouldn't want this. but then why was he telling me to do this?

-"i thought if i began to cry he would take it as a sign to stop. but he didn't. he used it as motivation to go farther."

-"stop it.." i began to lower the gun as will looked me in the eyes.
-"he asked if i was enjoying it and i wasn't.. but the look in his eyes forced me to say yes."
-"stop it, just stop!" i begged will, tears forming in my eyes.
-"mike?" troy stood up and seemed concerned.
-"i tried to imagine you were the one doing this to me, but that didn't seem to help because the smell of alcohol on troy overpowered my thoughts of you."

-"shut up! why won't you stop!" i screamed at him but he just kept going with tears streaming down my face.
-"mike, who are you talking to?!" troy stood in front of me.
-"i can't get the taste of him out of my mouth for days. it was impossible to forget and impossible to stop him from doing."
-"mike?!" troy nudged me while tears streamed down my face.
-"just shut the fuck up!" i redirected the gun and fired it towards will. i closed my eyes when the loud sound popped my ears. i slowly opened them back up and didn't see will anywhere. just troy who was standing next to me with deep fear in his eyes. before i could explain anything about what i just saw, my body became overwhelmingly heavy. i stumbled over my feet and fell backwards, dropping the gun and feeling the cautiousness of my body slipping away. before my eyes closed, i faintly saw wills face again. his voice rang in my ears.

"you deserve to know the truth" wills whispers echoed through my mind before i felt myself slipping away.

...

i woke up on the hard and wet ground. the night was dark and the wind blew harshly. i looked around my surroundings when i could hear the sounds of water splashing and i realized i was at the river. the river where will died. i saw him from across the river, climbing up the hill and i felt relief wash over me.
-"will!" i called out, waving my hands at him but he gave me no acknowledgment. he couldn't hear me over the sound of moving water. i started to run towards that direction and i hesitated to jump on the rocks. but just as i took the first step, i fell backwards because the presence of another person stepping on the rock path next to me spooked me. they didn't acknowledge my existence either.. the more i focused my eyes on them the more familiar they looked. when they made it to the end, i realized that it was me. i was standing on the other side of the river, wearing the same outfit i wore the day will broke up with me. when the person that looked so similar to me started to follow will, i didn't hesitate to follow its i followed him all the way up the hill until i stopped when i saw will crying at the end of the log. the person approached them and i could tell it spooked will.
-"mike?"
-"will, you need to come home." i slurred my words.
-"mike, go away." will wiped his tears.
-"you can't do this to us! we're leaving." i began to grab wills arm but he resisted.
-"mike, stop!" he yelled while pulling his wrist away. when i let go of my grip on him, he fell backwards and all the way down into the water.
i watched in horror as his body hit the water, his head smashing against a large rock. i was in utter disbelief.. was this a terrible dream?
the person that looked like me hardly reacted. he just climbed down, walked across the river and walked home..

i shot up after seeing what i just saw, unaware of where i was. it took me a while to realize i was on my basement floor and will was sitting across from me, just waiting for me. i looked at him and i realized by the way he was staring at me with that look in his eyes that it wasn't a dream. it was real.
-"will.. is it true?" my voice cracked. seeing him tilt his head down and shamefully nod made me breakdown in tears, hysterically crying.

i really did kill him.