stars will fall - byler

.40

i had been expecting to see will again these last few days but he hasn't showed up like normal. he usually comes over every day around the same time but i seem to be waiting all night for him to show. he doesn't.
i didn't want to even consider that my parents were right. i didn't even like to think about it because i know he's real. he's here, even though i killed him.. he's here. i'm not crazy, i don't care what anyone says. but i couldn't wait up for him anymore alone, i had to go to school. for the first time since the events that took place at that party, i walked into the building and the halls filled with sickening silence except for my footsteps. everyone was glaring at me, watching my every step. every move. i was being watched.
my body shifted when someone bumped into my shoulder. i turned back around and saw that nobody was even acknowledging me. i'm too in my head. as i was walking towards my locker, i saw dustin and lucas talking against the wall. i figured i should probably go say something to them.
i approached them and they turned my direction and was shocked to see me. they shared a judgmental glare at each other before looking back at me.
-"oh, mike." dustin sighed.
-"where have you been?" lucas asked.
-"i just needed some time off.." i anxiously shook my leg, checking over my shoulder to see if anyone was still watching me. they shared another look with each other before nodding awkwardly and beginning to walk the opposite way.
-"wait, where are you going?" i called out.
-"class?" dustin's tone stunned me. i've never seen them this way, was it because of me? or because of Will? or both.
i walked to my locker and grabbed my things, feeling like the walls were closing in on me the longer i stood there. the air grew thick and the surrounding sounds rung in my ears. my body felt hard to carry and i started loosing my balance. it was hard to breathe and i felt like i was being watched. but the hall was empty and i was just having a panic attack. but is for sure didn't feel like it, it felt like the end of my life.
i got the sudden urge to hurt myself again. it was overwhelming and took over my mind. i needed to make myself feel something other than this. i know will wouldn't agree with it, but he's not here anymore and i'm the reason why.
the bell ringing made me realize i was late for class. i took a second to compose myself before grabbing my things and walking to class shamefully.

i felt troys eyes burning into my back all period, but that was the least of my worries. i don't care what he does to me at this point, i'm not pushing back on it. but when we made eye contact, he looked more at ease than he was the last i saw him. he looked full of worry instead of anger. it was until this moment that i forgot about that day at my house with the gun. he knows about how i see will. he's the one that told my parents.. so was he still going to kill me? again, that's out of mind.
i saw max standing at her locker when i left class and i knew she would probably want to know i was here. i approached her locker and when she saw me it seemed hard for her to register.
-"mike? you're back.." she fearfully sighed, refusing to make eye contact with me.
-"yeah, for now."
-"i gotta get to class." she mumbled under her breath and slammed her locker, starting to walk the opposite way of me. this is when i knew something was up.
-"okay, what's going on?" i called from behind.
-"i don't know what you're talking about." she replied, still speed walking.
-"why are you guys acting so weird? did i do something?"
-"oh! did you?" she sarcastically laughed and turned around.
-"what?"
-"you snapped at el when she came to see you and you've been dissociating from us when you know damn well how hard this is for us too!" she mumbled
-"that's why you guys are ignoring me? because I'm fucking depressed?" i scoffed.
-"we all just think it's best if we move on with our lives and start fresh. we can't do that with you in our lives.." her voice cracked as she looked up at me and my heart felt it was shattering.
-"i'm sorry.." she whispered before walking away, leaving me in the now empty hallway.
that was all i needed to hear.

i stood in front of the mirror of my bathroom. i left right after she told me that because i was sure about this. more sure than anything. will wasn't here anymore to talk me out of it, but he will be. or rather i'll be with him. again.
i didn't come home empty handed. i stopped by steve's to pick something up. the morphine was shaking in my hands along with the needle in the other hand. this is it. i'm just trying to take in that these are my last few moments alive on this earth. staring at myself in the mirror was just making me doubt my decision and i know what i want. i want to be able to see will again. the more time i stand here the longer i have to wait. so i did it.
i felt it coursing through my veins after injecting a dangerous amount through my arm. but just the right amount. i walked to my bedroom after dropping the bottle and needle in the sink. my mom would find it when she gets home and she'll know how it happened. i laid down on my bed and looked at my surroundings, feeling cooped up in my room wasn't how i wanted to spend my last night. i crawled out of my window and saw the grey and cloudy sky above me. it was going to storm soon.
i laid my head against the back of the roof and glared into the sky, feeling my life flash before my eyes. seeing all the memories i shared with will.. it was surreal. i could feel my eyes getting more sensitive as the grey sky grew brighter. just as i was about to let my eyes close, i saw a familiar face in front of me.

-"will.." i sighed with relief.
-"oh, mike.. what have you done?"
-"the right thing."
-"mike.. i didn't want this." he sat down next to me.
-"i couldn't live here without you knowing what i did.. it was impossible. i just wanted to be with you again." i began to cry as he laid down next to me. the look in his eyes made me quickly regret my decision.
-"please forgive me, will.." i wept. he wiped my tears and ran his hair out from my eyes.

-"nothing you do could be unforgivable to me."

he lifted my head up and held me close in his arms as i buried my nose in his neck. he smelt so familiar and comforting, it was just like old times.. i was finally happy again.
i'm at peace.

the end.