stars will fall - byler

.36

i laid in the same position in bed for hours, staring at the blank and empty blue wall of my bedroom. i haven't gone to school in days, i don't remember the last time i slept or ate. i've just been staring at this wall and listening to music in my headphones, praying the time would end forever. i haven't seen will. he hasn't stopped by and i wonder if he ever will again. i wonder if he's been with them, i haven't even seen my friends in forever. but i don't care to see them. if they cared enough, they'd come. but they haven't.
life seems to be moving in slow motion the longer i rot in this bed of mine. time just won't speed up no matter how much i pray for it to. i can't manage tears to fall from my eyes anymore, i'm completely empty inside. my mind feels blank and i want nothing more than to fall asleep.
a deep, long sleep that lasts a lifetime.

i didn't even register the sound of the door opening from behind me. i didn't realize nancy was standing behind me until i heard her voice.
-"it stinks in here." she commented, receiving no response from me. not even a flinch.
i haven't showered in days either. i can't seem to pull myself out of bed to do nothing.
-"mom says you've been skipping school." she spoke again, her voice irritating my ears.
-"yeah." i mumbled while still glaring into the same spot on the wall. i closed my eyes and tried to pretend she wasn't there. if i pretended hard enough maybe she'd just leave.
but she knows something is wrong, just like i know.
-"can you tell me what's going on?" she sat at the end of my bed, peering over me. but i didn't respond because we both knew full well why i was acting this way, but she just didn't know the whole story.
-"is it will?"
-"what do you think?" my throat hurt after speaking for the first time in a while.
-"do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

of course i don't. what's there to say?

-"c'mon, mike. i'm worried about you. we all are." she places her hand on my knee to be comforting, but it doesn't seem to work.
-"yeah, i am too.." i mumbled.
i closed my eyes, hugging myself tightly and praying she'd leave me to be by myself.
-"someone's here for you.. fair warning, she's not very happy." she said standing up and i could hear her footsteps increasing towards the door.

-"i love you." she stated, obviously waiting for a reply. i loved her too but i didn't have the energy to say it back.
soon after my bedroom door shut, it swung open but the loud sound didn't make me wince. but the voice from behind me startled me.
-"mike, this needs to end." el snarled. i turned my head towards her and saw her for the first time in what felt like forever. she was angry. her anger seemed to slightly fade when she saw the condition i was in but she quickly brushed it off and twitched her eyebrows emotionally.
-"what is going on with you? you've been ignoring all of us for weeks! this is hard for all of us, not just you!" she scolded
i laid my head back down and continued to stare at the wall, trying to drown her out.
-"get out of bed."  she ordered, but of course i didn't answer. when she realized i wasn't going to, she walked over and yanked my blanket from off of me.
-"get out of bed, mike!" her voice cracked as she began to cry, but i payed no attention to it.
i felt a tear fall from the corner of my eye as i laid there with her presence a few feet away.
-"you might've loved him, mike. but i loved you. i still love you and i always will. seeing you like this is killing me.. you have to understand what this feels like for me."
-"for you?!" i shot up from my pillow angered by her choice of words. my sudden shouting stunned her because she took a step back and looked fearful.
-"are you fucking kidding me? i didnt just love will. it's not as simple as that, el. he was the fucking air i breathed. he was my reason for living, he was my only source of happiness and this is hard for you?!" i stood from my bed and stood in front of her, seeing tears form in his eyes as the anger in me increased.
the words i said to her the day of the funeral rang in my ears. although they were harsh, they were true.
she should've died that night and i will always believe that with my whole heart.
-"get the fuck out."
-"mike.."
-"now. get the fuck out before i kill you."

my choice of words seemed to send her in a state of shock. she looked at me differently, the glare in her eyes.. it was like she was looking at a different person. and she was.

after she left, i fell down on my bed and prayed that will would show up for me. i waited in bed for hours for him. from morning to nightfall, but he didn't show up. i don't even know why i'm surprised, he's refused to come for days now. i only see him in my dreams, so now i sleep all day to see him.

i held will in my arms as he gripped around my back, hugging me tightly. i could feel the smile on his face on my chest and his light giggling shook me.
-"what's up with you?" i chuckled while running my hands through his hair.
-"nothing, i just love you more than i should." he replied
-"is that a complaint?"
-"of course not." he snickered while looking me in the eyes, they sparkled in the dark lighting of the room. he kissed my lips slowly and i felt like my heart was exploding.
-"can i ask you a question?" he whispered once his lips separated from mine.
-"sure."
-"what we're you thinking?"
-"what do you mean?"
-"what was going through your mind when you killed me?"

i woke up in a cold sweat, gasping for air as i stepped back into reality. i was still in my bed, the time being 4 am. i wiped my eyes and sighed loudly.
even though the dreams are traumatizing.. it was still refreshing to see him. even just for a little bit.