Snowflakes Fall and So Did I

~CHAPTER 65~

~Two Weeks Later~

It's been two weeks since I've talked to Jack that night. After I had cried to my aunt, she called North, and then got Dr. Stone. A different nurse had checked on me to make sure I didn't have a concussion that had formed, and since we weren't technically family, we were asked to leave and come back during visiting hours.

I never went back though. I couldn't. I couldn't be there when someone told him about his mom and sister. I feel awful about it, not being there when he needed me most, but...how can I be there for someone when I'm not even there for myself? My parents, Jack's mom, and his sister...four people my heart mourns four.

Four people whose funeral I didn't go to.

My depression had hit me hard. To the point where I didn't get out of bed to do anything. Not shower or eat or read or spend time with anyone. Not even Anna when she was told the news about our parents. I should have been there for her, but hearing her screams...I couldn't face her. I felt like it was my fault somehow. It was my idea that designing and constructing new, modern buildings overseas would be a good company alliance project. I didn't think they'd ever consider it. I didn't think they'd send us away so they could go.

I should have gone with them instead of coming to Burgess. I never wanted to leave home to begin with. I never wanted to come back to Burgess, never wanted to go on the trip, even though they didn't ask me, but as heir I should have convinced them to let me go. I could have prevented them from getting on the ship back home. Convinced them to take an early or later ship or no ship at all.

And yeah, the chances of not even me knowing the outcome is high, but at least I would have been with them. I never even hugged them goodbye when I saw them last. I can't even remember if I said 'I love you' back to them.

And that's something I'm going to regret forever.

Just like how I'm going to regret not going to their funeral. We have no bodies for an actual funeral, and I still can't decide if that's a good thing or not. No bodies means that they might still be alive, stranded on an island. But it also means always wondering.

I regret turning Anna away when she asked me to go. I regret not opening my door for her during the two weeks. But I couldn't face her with all the guilt being built within me. If I did, I know I would have crumbled, and I'm so tired of crying.

I can't get her cries out of my head. It makes me wonder if Jack had cried the same way when he learned about his mom and sister. And since he thinks he's 14, Emma would have been 8 in his mind. I wish I was there for him too, but I didn't want to intrude. North, Bunny, Sandy, Tooth, Jamie, and Sophie are there for him. They're there for each other. I also didn't want my own emotions to make the atmosphere worse. Being secluded in my room gave me the freedom to cry until my eyes ran dry. I don't think I have the strength to conceal my tears.

It's been a long time since I've been overwhelmed by guilt. Six years to be exact. Because once again it's my fault. My fault my parents died because it was my idea, and my fault that Jack has amnesia and his sister and mom...god, it's all my fault. If I hadn't invited him to spend New Years with me none of this would have happened.

For two weeks straight, I was trapped in my room, a prisoner to my own mind. I missed the first two weeks of school, but now I'm being forced to go otherwise my uncle would take down my door. He was nice with his threat, calm and collected. There was no yelling like most parents or guardians would do, but I knew he was serious.

"I don't want to take your door away, Elsa," he had said, "But we haven't seen you in two weeks. You missed your parents' funeral, you ignored your aunt and sister and cousin, you ignored your friends when they tried contacting you; I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, I know you feel plenty of that, but you've got to get it through your thick skull that it's not your fault. None of it is your fault. We allowed you to miss the first two weeks of school, but your principal needs you to return asap, otherwise you'll be considered a dropout. Graduation is four months away. Please, my dear, you have got to open up this door. You've got so many people that miss you and that need you. Your sister needs you. She lost her parents too and it feels like she lost her sister as well. You and Anna have bonded so beautifully these last few months. Don't let all that work go to waste."