Prelude to kisses

Chapter 23

Angie lay in bed; she hadn't moved an inch after Dylan had tucked her in. He had left only a few minutes ago and his scent still floated around the room. The blood test at the clinic had confirmed that she was indeed pregnant. She had called work on their way back to her house and asked to go home earlier. Now she lay still. Her mind reeling through this and that. Images of this and that floating through her mind. Kids were expensive, they needed all the attention she could give, all the love she had, all her time.

Even just the thought of bringing a life into the world was too heavy to carry, what kind of mother would she make? What kind of parent? Could she go through with this? She wasn't married yet, and even though things had changed, and this happened to most women nowadays she still hadn't wanted this for herself. A child was a much bigger commitment than marriage. Angie always knew that if she were to bring life into this world then she'd do it in a home where a husband and wife came back home to each other and their kids.

If she wasn't ready for marriage, how could she even begin to think of a baby. Her fingers tinged to rub her belly, to familiarize herself with what was growing there, to feel it swell underneath her palms, but she couldn't do it. Instead, she found herself in tears again. She'd cried so much in the last few hours she was starting to feel like a river running dry. And yet they wouldn't stop, they wouldn't go away long enough for her to collect her thoughts.

Dylan had to go back to work, all he could do was kiss her and leave the way they had come in. in three hours he'd be back, probably make dinner for them. He will smile and look at her like that, she thought with slight bitterness. He'd smile the same way he had from the moment he picked her up until the moment he left her in bed. He was happy, ecstatic like this wasn't about bringing a human in this world.

She hated that, hated him in that moment she almost picked up her phone to ask him not to come. She didn't know when she fell asleep but when she opened her eyes, it was dark outside, the curtains were still drawn and the window cracked open. Cold air hit her as soon as she threw the covers from her body. She closed the window and curtains. She heard the front door being opened before he called her name. She walked into the kitchen to meet him.

He greeted her with that smile she was quickly starting to despise.

"You just waking up?"

"Yeah, what do you got there?" she asked gesturing to the bag of takeout on the kitchen counter.

"I got some chicken and rice".

"Good, I'm hungry".

She started for the cabinet when he stopped her and sat her down. She quietly sat down on the kitchen counter as he plated their food and poured juice for them. When they were done eating, she watched him move around the kitchen to wash the plates and clean the water drops from the floor. Angie watched him and came to tears again. She was crying quietly as he wiped the sink and kitchen counters. When he turned around, she didn't bother hiding it. 

"Hey what's wrong".

"I don't think I'm ready for this".

"You're not happy?"

"Happy? You expect me to be happy about this. I have plans, I have goals. You know that". she was practically shouting now.

"I know. I would know more than anyone. And I do too. But this doesn't feel like a setback to me. As a matter of fact, it just gave me a whole new perspective on life". he was so calm it was infuriating.

She felt like she was on an emotional rollercoaster. Angry, sad, infuriated and annoyed all at the same time. She had no control over it, and she hated that. It made her even more angry.

"Well, it's a setback for me. I'm about to make a house purchase, and I want to buy a car..." she was shaking now.

"It won't be, you won't suffer financially I will take care of it, whatever it is you need I will take care of it".

He was moving towards her; she didn't want that. When his fingers brushed her hand, she felt like the heat from them was burning into her skin. She could see the sincerity in his words there, in his eyes swimming. Whenever she was unsure, about anything, she'd always look in those eyes and found the answer. Today, right at this moment just like any other she could see the answer. Why was she scared? Why was she hesitant now?

"I'm scared, I am terrified". He gave her a smile and lay her head on his shoulder.

"Honey, I'm scared too. But how many things have we done scared so far? I can't think of a moment when you made it difficult for me. Just like this moment is easier because you're with me, because were together".

They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity. Only the sound of their breath, the noise from their neighbors accompanied their thoughts. Until she broke the silence and said the words and thoughts, she was afraid to say since yesterday. 

"The first thing that came to mind when I took the test was to terminate it. I'm so selfish, I only thought about myself in that moment. About my career and dreams and how a baby would affect that. Do I even deserve to be a mom?"

She closed her eyes tightly as she waited for the response. He only held her tighter, only pulled her to him and kissed her. Later on, when they lay in bed, before closing his eyes, he said, "All the way back to work I thought about all the ways I'd need to adjust my life to welcome our child. I thought about all the things I'd need to give up once I'm a dad too. There's nothing to feel guilty about. Even if you become a mother and wife, you're still allowed to feel how you feel. Your feelings are yours and there's nothing selfish about that". he turned her to look at him and continued, "Baby, lets mess up together, lets figure this out together and make mistakes together".

"I'd like that". A kiss cemented their love, trust and promise before going to sleep. Tomorrow would be another day; it will come with new challenges. It will make them stronger, more of a team and he was excited for that tomorrow. Those were his last thoughts before sleep took over.