Prelude to kisses

Chapter 1

"I never want to feel like that again", she sobbed and whispered to no one but the emptiness of her room.

Jackie Tanaka was really tired of doing this. How many times had she sat like this, knees tucked to her chest, rocking back and forth willing herself to accept that it was really over. That she had to let someone go. So many times, and neither was easier than the last. It was as though she was destined to be unloved, to be an option and never a choice...

It was only a few hours ago when she lay in Matthew's arms letting him touch her while touching him. And it was probably the best night she ever had until she woke up the next morning and reality kicked in. Nothing between her and Matthew would ever be the same again. As she sat there on his bed, she realized she'd never look at him the same ever again. She'd never see him as an honest, genuine and soft-spoken man she'd liked from the moment she laid eyes on him. She felt robbed or maybe she was just hurt she wanted someone, anyone to put the blame on so she didn't look at herself and find faults within.

She tucked her knees further up her chest and cried harder, covering her mouth so no one else heard. She would feel embarrassed, and she didn't want that, her own muffled sobs sounded shameful even when it was just her in the room.

Jackie remembered now, where that shame came from. She'd often wondered why she beat herself so much about crying openly and it wasn't as she sat there replaying her time with Matthew that it dawned on her that it was buried deep into her childhood. 

When she was six or so, she'd often fall asleep in their kitchen hut after dinner. Her grandmother would try to wake her up but to no avail, some nights they'd carry her to bed but often times she'd be left in the kitchen. Jackie would wake up to find herself alone laying on the cold kitchen bench and the fire out sometime in the middle of the night. She'd run the short distance to the main house. 

One night, she had fallen asleep as usual, there was a pot of water on the fire for her grandmother's bath before bed. Somewhere between the laughter and jokes Loura had kicked a log of wood with her foot, causing the pot to topple over. She suffered a third degree burn on the side of her leg. She was left with a scar that never completely healed. Jackie had been burned on her leg too, because of the shock from the burning sensation, she'd quickly retreated her leg, Laura was slower, the burning sensation immobilizing her, making the damage that much more severe. Jackie remembered screaming and crying, mostly from the shock. Her grandmother had screamed at her to keep quiet, rushing to Laura's aid. The skin on Loura's leg had peeled off. No one noticed that she'd been burned too and for the next few days she covered the burn with her school socks and pretended to walk normally until her grandmother took notice. She remembered her asking Jackie why she hadn't said she'd been hurt. Even at that age she knew that it wouldn't have mattered if she had said it or not, because she wasn't as badly hurt as her little sister was. 

Jackie didn't have a lot of memories from her childhood, just snippets of certain things that sometimes hid from her until they were provoked by an incident in her present. She realized as she sat there crying that she remembered that day because the feelings from today evoked the emotions from then. 

Four months ago, Jackie was training for a cashier position at a grocery store. On her first day Matt was assigned to help her. She stood beside him as he operated the machine. It wasn't his efficiency and speed she was fascinated with, rather his personality. He oozed character. He had a soft and gentle smile and a walk that was all male. Full of confidence, he was a man who knew where he was coming from and going. She later learned that he was not a cashier rather the company IT. But due to the shortage of staff that particular day, he was helping out.

He was good at everything, she noted. Packing shelves, helping out at the deli, fruit and veg section or butchery when needed. He was good with people, and she realized that in all the three months during her training, she'd never seen him tired or looking worn out. He genuinely loved his job, and he had a passion for people.

A memory of her late after work hours came to mind. She remembered she'd come to work without transport money. She hadn't had the courage to ask anyone during work hours and kept putting it off until it was too late. She saw him just before he got into a taxi and immediately felt at ease. He had been her hero that night and he never asked for it back, didn't criticize her for not asking sooner. That was who he had been to her and maybe so much more.

In the time they worked together, neither said a word about their feelings even though they had been there since the first day they met. It was only after Jackie had completed her three month's training that they met again and spoke of their feelings.

He came over to her place, back then she was renting a single room with her friend, Angie. They'd separated it into a kitchen and bedroom. It didn't give them much room for visitors, but it worked. And most of all it was theirs. That made it bearable. There were papers sprawled all over the bed, they were a few writings she'd been working on. He picked one up and started reading it when she took it from him and said, "Don't read that, I was angry when I wrote that".

Matt gave a nod of understanding before he started telling her about other writers and their work. She didn't believe in herself enough to think she could be one of them. She couldn't even finish a book. It was a pity, because she felt like she was good, but something held her back; or rather she held herself back. As he spoke, she found her eyes darting to his mouth. And his scent. He smelled of wood and pine and if it was a color, it'd be a grey color, and she wanted to be swallowed into him. She wanted to melt into him, listen to him speak and be embraced by the sound of his voice.

He must have sensed it too because before she could look away from him lips, he drew closer and touched his lips to hers. Feather-soft, Jackie was not disappointed to find he tasted so good. They pulled back at the same time, she was looking at him and he was looking at her, questioning. What was that? That seemed to be the question on both their minds before his lips found hers again. "You're a good kisser", he told her when he pulled away again.

She looked down, blushing profusely. It almost felt unreal, that he was in her home looking at her like that. Like he was contempt in this time and place with her. It hit her then, as she looked into his eyes that she had placed Matthew on a pedestal, that she had looked at him as someone unattainable. It could have been because of his job position, his age or the fact that he was incredibly good looking. With a walk that belonged on the runway, but now as she touched his face, she realized that it was a lot more than that. It was his charisma, his energy and character. She wanted to get lost in those deep light brown eyes of his, she wanted to take a dive in his brain and see what he thinks about, the dreams that lived there.

Somewhere between the conversations and kisses Mathew ended up on top of her, kissing her, bruising her lips in the most beautiful and tender way. When they were both naked, with only boxer shots covering his bottom half and panties covering her, she stopped him. He rolled off of her and lay next to her. She was looking face up, too embarrassed to look at him in the eye. She couldn't remember what she said to him then, but she remembers what he said in response. She remembered those words like she remembered her own name, "I won't force you Jackie, because that will be rape", he told her before kissing her shoulder.

Jackie didn't know what it was, but between his words and the kiss he'd gently planted on her shoulder, she suddenly wanted to do it. Wanted to sleep with him, wanted to give all of her to him. Without giving it a second thought she pulled him onto her once more and she was completely filled with his scent, with the taste of his lips and the soft touch of his hands. When he slid into her, she was ready, she was a well of moist and warmth, taking in all of him.