Prelude to kisses

Chapter 11

Jackie woke up the next morning feeling like she had the whole world on top of her, when she pushed the curtains to get a view of the morning sky, she felt as gloomy as the clouds floating up there. She felt a sense of dread as she lay back on the bed. She had to be at work in less than forty minutes and yet, she couldn't get up. She couldn't get up from the bed. She didn't want to see what was outside, she didn't want to be a part of the world outside of these walls.

But she had to. She had to go out there and do everything she needed to do. As she laid there, she thought about one thing she could do to make herself want to take on this day. All the good things she adored swarm to her mind, and she smiled as she imagined the warm water hitting her skin. She smiled as she felt the soothing sensation, loved the feeling of dry cotton towel as she wrapped it around her body, stepping out of the shower she felt the soft mat beneath her feet. Felt the cool lotion on her body, picking out her outfit for the day. A little black dress and coat over it and orange handbag that matched her shoes.

Before she realized she was waltzing out of the house, locking the door behind as she bobbed her head to the sound of music. She bought a cup of coffee from the street vendor that made the perfect coffee and cookies that matched the weather.

As the day went by and the clock ticked noiselessly on the wall, she thought about how much of a good decision she had made last night. Future Jackie would definitely be proud. Ashton walked out of the gate, he stretched, and his shirt rode up his torso and she looked away. He saw her and a little smile made its way on his face, the corner of his lip curling up. He looked so cozy in sweatpants and comfy slippers. He raised a hand, and she did the same, smiling back to the boy she wanted just a taste of but fully aware that she might end up doing more damage to herself.

She thought of Matt and felt a pang in her chest. She hadn't seen him since she left his house, Angie hadn't spoken a word about him even though they worked together. They had avoided talking about him but sometimes she found herself wanting to ask, to know if he was okay. If he looked as happy as she remembered him. She shook the thought away and rubbed her arms up and down in comfort. This was probably one of those times she'd look back on and be proud of herself for. She could have easily stayed with Matt and not have asked about anything and continued to have him in her bed and all the way into his bed but the thought of having him cheating on his girlfriend with her wasn't pretty. She couldn't imagine doing that to another woman whether she knew about it or not.

It was her lunch hour but she called the pizza place to deliver her food so she could eat in the shop. She didn't want Ashton to feel he had an opportunity to talk to her. It was almost the end of the year, and she had been thinking a lot about moving to another city, she wanted a fresh start, it was starting to feel suffocating here with the same people doing the same things. She was starting to feel like a leaf floating in the wind, never blown too far from the tree.

The only thing that stopped her was Angie. Her best friend had never really been alone and moving here to look for jobs had been a huge change for her. She was the last born in her family and her parents had her in their forties. She had cousins her age and she'd always been surrounded from a very young age. It took a lot of pursuing from Angie's sister to get her to come to work and it had been easy for her because Jackie tagged along and they moved in together, making their space as homey as they could with what they had.

And now two years later, they had survived in this world and made something of themselves. Where everyone they left behind in their small village thought they'd become nothing and most likely end up pregnant, they'd proven them wrong. Proven their resilience and waited, patiently and calmly crossed the river to get to the other side. Because on the other side of pain is joy, on the other side of hurt is happiness. On the other side if poverty was wealth and abundance. For a while after moving, with her relationship with Jay, being unemployed for some time and then her relationship with Matt, she hadn't seen the light at the end of the tunnel. The only light she had held onto was Angie.

As they sat together on the couch, a bowl of popcorn between them, a blanket draped on Angie's knees as they watched a movie; they looked back on their lives, and it didn't quite feel like theirs. It had become a distant memory. It was like watching someone through their tv screen rather than it being their past. 

"I'm so glad we didn't give up. I'm so glad we didn't end up making decisions that we'd regret". Angie said softly.

"Me too".

"There was a night, I came home a few minutes earlier than you. I was still dating Tinashe at that time, and I remember coming home and being so hungry I thought I'd pass out. I opened the fridge and only the cool air hit me. There was nothing to eat, and even when I knew there was nothing in the cupboards, I still opened each one of them until I was left just sitting there on the floor," Tears were running down Angie's face. 

She was crying openly, unafraid to be seen like this by her friend. "I thought about marrying him that night. After all, he was a bit older than me and had his life together. I'd decided in that moment that I was going to get married to him when you opened the door with a box of my favorite pizza and groceries".

Angie wiped her eyes and blew her nose, giving a little chuckle as the memory of that night came back to her, "I remember it. I'd babysat the neighbor's kids last minute because she had to go home for an emergency".

"I went to sleep full and when I woke up the next day, I never thought about marriage again. I broke up with Tinashe a week later".

"What do they say? You're not you when you're hungry." Jackie said as she remembered that Lunch bar advert.

They both laughed and sank deeper into the couch. "Are you happy Angie?"

"Insanely happy. I'm in the best work environment with a job I love, which is all thanks to Matt by the way. I have the best of friends; I've met the love of my life and God is always there for me. He guides me and reminds me of who I really am every single day so yeah, I am insanely happy".

"I want to be insanely happy too", She said softly. In that moment she thought about her broken relationship with God. 

"It's going to take some time for you, but you will be".

"What do you mean?"

"You want a lot from life, a lot more than most people. And the bigger the dream, the more patience it requires".

"I don't think I need a therapist with you here".

Angie laughed and they went back to watching their movie. Angie could feel herself being pulled under oblivion; she didn't fight it. She welcomed it and drifted into a world where she and Dylan raised two babies that were a replica of themselves...