Prelude to kisses

Chapter 15

The sun is out after two weeks of constant rain, it greets her then quickly hides behind the clouds again in a shy manner. It's a beautiful afternoon. She hadn't really been outside with working at the shop and closing the world outside after getting off of work.

She takes a seat across Angie on the patio who has reading glasses on as she goes through her budget list for the month. "How are you feeling?" she asks, putting her glasses on the table to look at her friend.

She shrugs, "Like I want to run and never look back".

That wasn't all. She desperately wanted to run away, she wanted to get a new name, walk out of her body and walk into a new one. She wanted to be someone else and sing new songs and speak different words. She wanted to shed her skin and peel it all off and grow a new one.

"That's easy. You don't have to work anymore, you have enough saved up to start your company, while you run your printing business here".

"What do you mean? Where would I go". She asked desperately

''Remember my cousin Jossie, well she moved to Victoria Falls last year to study. She says its beautiful, I think you'd be inspired there".

"I don't know, I've never actually thought about moving".

"I think you should. I'd miss you so much, but this place is starting to cripple you. I feel like it was good to get you on your feet, but it's not good enough to keep you going. You need to be around people that think like you, people who see things the way you do, maybe even better".

Jackie was on the verge of tears now, it was so true, but she'd never thought about it like that. Later when she walked around the neighborhood, the neighborhood she'd lived in for three years now she could see it. She could see exactly what Angie was talking about. She'd explored everything and there was nothing to inspire or keep her on her toes anymore. In fact, everything was tainted by the bad memories of men she'd allowed in her life that hadn't deserved a second glance. Like those flowers scattered on that yard, the purples and pink blooming petals reminded her of the time she helped Jay with his photoshoot. He thought he looked good then and at some point, she'd thought it too. Looking back, it was repulsive to have let a guy like him even get close to her.

He'd come into her life, laid the red carpet for her to walk on at a time in her life she'd felt most vulnerable, had held her hand and kept a steady hand on her waist so she didn't fall only to be the one to push her to the ground when he realized she couldn't walk without him anymore. Jay hadn't shown an ounce of heart or emotion when she was choking on her tears, begging him to stop and pushing him off of her because it had become too painful. He forced her to feel pleasure he wasn't even giving. Asked her to take what he was giving even when she told him it wasn't enough, even when it was breaking her apart.

She'd never been the same after that, he showed her the dark side of men, and with the idea of him, the version of him that she met in the beginning she was constantly questioning the present and the future and most times confusing them to be one and the same. Thinking about it, she felt a strong desire to throw up, to crawl at her skin and shed everything she was. She wanted to scratch at the flesh until she was beet red. She was ventilating now, clutching her chest, she knelt down and hugged her legs to her chest while tears ran down her cheeks.

No one noticed, no one saw or realized that she was having a mental breakdown. That she was seeing the scenes from her relationship with Jay. That she was back in her room, in only her favorite white shirt which she had never been able to put on after that. That she's pushing him off of her and she feels the burning sensation between her legs. She's crying standing a good distance away from him as he uses his hand to finish what she couldn't. His face is contorted in something like pain and pleasure; she can't tell. The lines are blurred. She's still crying and he's still working his hand up and down his member until he comes on his hand and cum drips on his hand.

It's only when he's done that, he tries to walk towards her, to apologize and she stretches her hand to keep the distance between them, telling him to leave. He leaves and they don't talk or see each other for weeks until he shows up at her house.

One look at him is enough to have her crying again. She couldn't remember crying so much it drained all of her. All he did was hold her and caress her hair as he lay there, taking in the damage he'd caused. She cried until she fell asleep. Three months prior, he'd met a girl that gave him an attitude when he tried to make a pass at her. She did her hair, wore nice cloths and took care of herself and left her with no identity. She'd become nothing but a shell of herself. And he'd done that, and he wasn't sorry, even with this he still wanted to take as much as he could.

Jackie had no idea how she was able to leave him, only that she cried until there was nothing left, she'd hurt for him until she couldn't anymore. When the relationship ended, her life quickly took a turn and she had an internship as a cashier, met Matthew and the rest was history. It was around the same time she lost her grandmother. All these things happened when she moved here, and as she looked at the flowers once more, there was no desire to be here anymore. Not even for a second.