Prelude to kisses

Chapter 8

On her way to the printing shop two days later after the much-needed rest, she passed by a group of high school kids waiting for the bus. Before she realized it, she was breathing rapidly, her heart rate had increased, she could hear its loud thud up her ear. She had started trembling when a realization hit her. It wasn't the first time that something like this had happened in a similar situation. Why did school kids make her feel so stressed? As all the anxiety attacks went through her body, a series of questions went through her mind, and it took a lot of will power to stop and listen to each one of them as they drifted in and out of her mind. She tightly closed her eyes to shut the noise from the cars, from the passersby around her and really get in tune with her consciousness. What do they think about what I'm wearing? Do they think these jeans are too loose and I look like a ten-year-old boy? Do they think I look crazy? That my hair is too colorful? 

A few of them laughed, worsening her worry. Are they laughing at me? Can they smell the fear? Can they tell that I'm terrified of them? The laughing grew louder, and she felt herself shrinking, she felt herself grow smaller. And just like that she was a thirteen-year-old again, just like that she is fourteen sitting in a class full of her peers but never quite fitting in. There she is again, being the last one to be picked for a group project. There she is the mute kid no one wanted to sit next to or be friends with. She was laughed at for being from another country, for her accent, the fact that she didn't speak their language and had to work ten times harder to learn not only the subjects but also English and their languages. It took a toll on her on top of occasionally having her name on the list of ugly girls in school. Having to eat lunch in bathrooms and sometimes not even having lunch because her family was poor.

Jackie couldn't count the number of times she had sat in the school toilet for thirty minutes because she didn't have a lunchbox like everyone else. To constantly being picked on that her only defense was being the silent kid. By default, she became mute. Never raising her hand even when she really needed an extra sheet of paper for a test, not asking to go to the bathroom even when she was pressed. It had been her only defense. 

She figured if she couldn't be beautiful, smart or from the same country as them, she could at least be silent. If she didn't speak, they wouldn't laugh at her accent. If she didn't say a word, they could forget she exists, they could forget she was sitting next to them. If she remained silent, they wouldn't find something to pick on her with. For the most part it had saved her, it gave her a reason to keep going. If the day successfully came to an end without being mocked, then she could get up the next morning and do it again until it was over.

So, every day she made sure she was the first to leave the school premises. It went on for years until she moved back home and met Angie. Angie was her people; they were her people. They listened and were interested in her life in South Africa. They loved watching slideshows of her pictures on her phone. They liked hanging out with her, and they loved her accent. They loved the way she sounded when she spoke English and were intrigued at how fluent she was in it. Liked how Shona words sounded coming from her mouth. If only they knew that everything came at a price. She had to learn to fit in and even if she had learned the languages, learned how to pronounce certain names and places, she was always an outsider. Now here she was, attracting people with the same qualities that had repelled them. Jackie felt overwhelmed by it all, but how much she wished she had never left home in the first place and stayed here with them. She wouldn't have had all these insecurities floating in her head.

A voice over the noise ripped her from her thoughts, when she turned around, she saw Ashton getting up from the bench where he sat waiting for the bus. "Hey, are you okay?" he had his brows frowned; concern etched on his features. 

Her hand was placed on her chest in an effort to calm her erratic heart, she quickly removed it smiling softly, "Yeah, I just thought of something".

"So, I haven't seen you at work in a few days, did you quit?"

"Oh no, Gregory gave me a few days off. I start Monday".

"That's great, you totally deserve it".

She smiled faintly, "Are you waiting for the bus?"

"Yeah, I have a few classes today, but I will be done around one. Did you maybe want to grab dinner with me", she was quiet for a second, and he quickly added, "That's if you're not busy of course".

"Yeah, okay. I can do dinner".

"I will text you the details later". He said as the bus came to a halt behind them.

"Sure". She watched him take long strides and join the bus que. Her thought as she watched him take the window seat was that Matt had never asked her out on a date...