Prelude to kisses

Chapter 53

It happened all at once. Things became clear to her all at once. It was overwhelming, but it was made easy by God's grace. One by one she gave it all up, as they say; success builds confidence, only in this case, success was a ladder to trusting God fully with every aspect of her life.

Jackie had been here before, when she had been a little girl, she'd had this relationship with God before, but all that had gotten lost somewhwere along the way. Somewhere along the line she'd lost her identity in Christ and ran to the world to find herself. In the arms of men, most who hurt her in the end. In a sense she was looking for the pain she knew. In every scenario Jackie was seeking being abandoned just as her dad had abandoned her, and when they did eventually abandon her it was just a confirmation from her part.

I'm unloved.

I'm not worth the wait, nor the respect.

My body is all I have to offer.

In the end they all leave.

One Sunday morning, she was sitting in a church service. This was her second week since she started coming here two months back. The pastor mentioned sex, at this she stood and excused herself. By now she'd become hardened. Her heart had become hardened. Sex was that one thing she didnt want to give up until she was married. In fact she had never dated with the thought of being someone's wife. For years, it just seemed to be something far from reach.

She was at the door, ready to make an exit but the pastor's voice was somehow carried all the way to where she stood. She heard him perfectly clear, his voice rung in her head like an echo.

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body...". It felt as though he was speaking to her, as if he knew her.

She wanted to go home after that, it seemed she could agree with everything else, but not this. Jackie didn't want to give up this part of her life. She could respect those who chose to wait and remain pure, but it didn't feel possible for her.

That night she went to bed at war with herself. A part of her knew she could trust God with this. He had already proven that she could trust him, that she wasn't a slave to anything of this world. That he was a good Father, that he wanted to give her everything that was good. But giving this up felt hard. Although, looking back, she could say that in the past every time a relationship came to an end, she'd feel an unexplainable relief because it meant that she wouldn't be having sex for a while.

Early the next morning, a voice woke her.

"Wake up and speak to me", it said.

She stirred on the bed, wanting to hold on to sleep but still being pulled out of her sleep. Even after trying to go back to sleep she couldn't until she threw the blanket away from her body. She sat up, got up from the bed and sat on the carpeted floor. For a few minutes she just sat there until she got up, sighing. God had won, it seemed because she found herself giving away her hold on sex. She found herlsef making a promise to God that she would run from sexual immorality. The decision was an easy one and when she went back to sleep after having their talk, she felt free.

Nothing has ever felt easier to give up, she realized days after. It was as though God had taken away even the slightest desire to have sex.