Prelude to kisses

Chapter 51

It had been a wonderful week. All week, all she had done while in the Philippines was enjoy the lush landscape of Vayang Rolling Hills, enjoy mouthwatering Ivatan dishes.  Letting herself be refreshed and comforted by the glorious mountains.

It was only when she was home again that she missed him terribly. She'd become so accustomed to it being them and now she was on her own. It was amazing how much of a difference someone's presence in one's life could do. Every second of the clock going around was a reminder of what she'd lost. That she was once again single. When they started dating, she'd kept her eyes peeled opened, and at some point, she'd completely let him in and closed the door behind him believing that this was it. That they'd be together for a long time. Maybe not get married or have kids but she had believed he was her life partner.

He hadn't only been a boyfriend; he'd been someone who took pride in his role as a boyfriend. Had done everything a boyfriend did for his girlfriend and so much more. He had been more than a boyfriend; at moments he'd felt more like a husband. She hadn't hated the thought, just knew she wasn't in a place to get married, hadn't even given it much thought.

It was twelve thirty on a Saturday, only a few hours since she'd returned home from the Philippines. At this time, he'd show up on her doorstep with chocolate and yogurt, she thought, looking at the door. He changed the flowers in her vase occasionally when she forgot to do it. He cleaned for her while she got her work done. He was always so generous, so giving. Now it pained her thinking that he could have been financially struggling then but always did the best he could to provide for her even when she could do that for herself, stocking up her fridge, buying her clothes and taking her on fancy dates.

It wasn't about the money, she realized. It was the fact that there didn't seem to be a stopping point to his addiction. He'd never stop, and she didn't want to become his money cow.

==

Contrary to how she'd felt over the past days, today she woke up with a clearer head. The dark cloud hanging on her head had gone away and she felt refreshed. First, she'd clean up the apartment. She couldn't start over if she had his belongings everywhere around every corner of her apartment. She tied her hair into a messy bun on top of her head. She found a traveling bag at the back of the closet and packed his shirts, jeans and toothbrush neatly into it.

She changed into sweats, deciding it would be better to give him his things before she started cleaning. Upon opening the door, she found Mahita and Angie standing there. They looked past her further into the apartment. Angie was the first to speak up, she didn't hide the look of disgust from her face at the sight of dirty dishes in the sink and the dirty floor.

"Don't be dramatic", Jackie told her.

"I bet this is how hell looks like", Angie said as she pushed her way inside.

Mahita laughed, before her attention went to the bag in her hand, "Going somewhere?"

"Yes", She said simply, but her friend knew.

"I will take you", Mahita took the bag and car keys from Jackie.

The drive was silent. Mahita kept her attention on the road, stealing a few glances at her friend who kept her eyes glued to the window. She didn't dare turn her head to look at her friend, she didn't want to be greeted by the sympathy she knew was there. Instead, she went over what she'd say to him when he opened the door. She played the scene in her head over and over. It was a weekend; she knew that he'd be home at this time of the day. She saw the scene she kept playing in her head so clearly but when the car was parked outside the gate and all she had to do was walk up to the front and give the door a light knock, she found herself unable to do it. Jackie found she couldn't raise her hand and open the car door much less walk up there.

''Do you want me to go with you?"

She drew strength from her friend sitting next to her and forced herself to do it. She shook her head no and grabbed the bag from the backseat. She could feel her friend's gaze on her, it made her body heavy to carry to the door. Like she was walking backwards instead. Like sometimes in dreams and you're running away from someone, but you can't run any faster no matter how much you force yourself.

When he opened the door, he looked better than the last time they saw each other. She didn't know what she'd expected to find but it wasn't this. A crazy part of her thought she'd find him missing a part of himself. Like she felt inside. He was still the same man she dated; the same man she'd loved. He had gained a little weight than two weeks ago in a smart white shirt and shorts. His feet were covered in socks.

He looked surprised to see her on his front door, but the surprise was quickly replaced when he looked at her hands. He moved to allow her inside, she went into his sitting room. Noting how clean it was. A new laptop sat on the coffee table. It seemed he was on a call and had paused it to answer the door. He led her to a couch; she took a seat, "I'm not staying long. I was cleaning and found a few of your stuff around the house, thought you might need them", she told him.

"Thanks, give me a second", He took the bag and disappeared into his bedroom.

As she waited, her eyes roamed around the living room, taking note of how clean everything was. In the corner of her eye she could see their couch, she willed herself not to turn her head, lest she remembered all the memories they made on there. Didn't dare think about the many times they'd made love on the carpeted floor. He came back a few moments later, holding the same bag. She knew he'd packed her stuff in there too. It was a moment of realization for her. This was the end to their story, she'd never walk into this house again, sit on this very couch again and more so never see him again. As soon as she walked out of that door, they'd become strangers again. Strangers with a past. And everything they'd done together would now be tucked neatly in their memories.

"Did I disturb you?" She asked him, gesturing to the laptop.

"No, I was just on a call with my therapist", He told her.

She looked up, surprised, "You have a therapist? Since when?"

"It's been a week or so. It's something you said. That you trusted me to get through this. I didn't trust myself to get through it alone, so I got a gambling therapist".

"Is that why you sold your car?" She'd realized when she walked to the door that it wasn't parked in its usual spot.

"Partly. Would you like something to drink?" He was about to turn away in the direction of the kitchen when she caught his arm. It was a vulnerable moment for her. She'd done it without thinking, just a need to close the distance between them. When she opened her mouth to speak, the words got caught in her throat. She couldn't say a word and tears filled behind her eyes. He knelt in front of her on one leg. All it took was him saying her name and she'd thrown herself into his arms. She'd wanted to do it since the moment he opened the door for her.

He let her hug him, gently running his hands up and down her back. Easing the ball of acne in her throat, the disappointment of having to break up.

"I'm proud of you", She told him honestly.

"We'll be okay. I know we will", He told her.

"Do you think we could ever try again?" It was a bit of a stretch, and she knew it, but she needed to ask. Needed to know.

He slowly peeled himself from her, "It was wrong of me to make you feel like you had to help me. If I got myself in a sticky situation then its only right that I get myself out of it", He told her instead, casting his head downwards, "It's hard to face you now", He finished.

It became clear now, that they could never be. She'd already seen him in a way no man wanted to be seen in by the woman he loved, "You don't have to walk me out", She said, getting up from the couch and taking her bag with her.

"Wait, take this with you", She watched him take off the ring she'd bought him on the girl's trip months back. She'd seen it and had immediately thought of him. It didn't cost much, but it had meant a lot to him when she'd given it to him. He'd actually never taken in off and whenever they took pictures, he made sure the camera caught it. Jacky had often found the feeling of the cold metal enticing every time he touched her. She wanted to take it back; she couldn't imagine him discarding it one day when he'd moved on with someone else.

"Keep it", She told him and was out the door before he could protest. When she was back in the car, all she could say to Mahita was, "Get me away from here", before she was crying uncontrollably.