Prelude to kisses

Chapter 3

June came rather slowly, with a cold wind that was almost unbearable and every time a customer walked into the grocery store where she had found a job the beginning of last month, she'd wrap her coat tighter around herself. The grocery store was tucked neatly in the middle of houses and a shopping center only a few minutes away. Just across the road she could see Ashton and his little brother laughing as they walked out of the gate. It was the perfect view to a dreadfully boring life.

To say Ashton was hot was an understatement. He was that tall, hot, popular guy in school with the brains to show off and you couldn't hate him even if you wanted to because he was incredibly humble about it. If you gave him a compliment, he'd brush it off and smile with the corner of his mouth making him even more sexy. She knew too much about him to be considered appropriate, always fishing for more information but also keeping her cool and acting nonchalant like she couldn't care less.

He raised a hand in her direction, and she did the same with a smile accompanying the small wave. And just like that they were gone. He was in university studying architecture. In a country where everyone was either studying teaching, medicine or law it felt like a breath of fresh air.

When she looked up at the sound of the door soft brown eyes stared back at her. It was James, Ashton's older brother. The older of the three almost identical brothers. They were the same height, same long faces and strong jaw lines only the face in front of her was a little rough. He was soft and not in a flirtatious way like Ashton. He was mild, like dipping your feet into lukewarm water or a jacuzzi...like coming home whereas Ashton felt like an adventure. Like leaving home to go find something new and exhilarating. When he smiled Jackie thought he was definitely the kind of man any women would want to come home to.

She rang his stuff and gave a quick thank you before he exited the shop leaving her alone again. As she watched him leave, she realized thinking about Ashton and James quieted the walls of her mind. The walls with cracks; walls painted in red with the streaks of blood that were there for every time she'd hurt herself and let other people hurt her, disappoint her. And even with all that, all the flutter her heart did and the little butterflies in her stomach whenever she was around the brothers; they never felt like Matt. They could never be him, and she could tell that touching them, holding then, would never feel like Matthew. In the early days after she left Matt's house that morning, there had been so many triggers. At times they would come as soothing words or simple actions like someone calling her by her full name that would have her crying all over again. It would be a long time before she was ever okay again, she thought as she watched Jame's retreating back.

The sun was setting now, she could see the hazy blue of the clouds as they gathered up in the sky. She looked at her watch as a faint smile made its way on her face. In an hour she'd be going home. To books and coffee and long conversations with Angie.

As she walked home, she wondered about him. If in some crazy world he was hurting as much as she was. If thoughts of her floated in his mind carelessly. She wanted to know so badly, maybe the burden of going through this would feel so much lighter. 

Jackie wondered if his heart stopped when someone mentioned her name, or when someone who looked like her passed by him. Did he feel like his heart would tear into pieces like she did whenever Angie let his name slip off of her tongue. Was he tortured too? Just as she was. Did the memories of their time together haunt him and keep him awake. Had he at some point wished he could wash the memories of her off his body by a long shower the same way she had tried to countless times?