Prelude to kisses

Chapter 14

Christian Manika is a smooth sail. Being with him is easy and she's not scared of waking up burned. He listens and opens up to her. He asks questions and shows an interest in her as a person, and she finds herself wanting to share things with him. They've been together for almost three months now and they've been the happiest.

They spend so much time together she can't even remember a time when they are apart. The only problem is he has a girlfriend. They don't talk about her, and at this point it's hard to tell if they are even still together. She just takes what he gives without pushing for more, after all, she knows that a part of her is still in Matt's arms. I've become the woman I hate the most, she thinks sadly as Chris walks into a cafe where they had agreed to meet earlier. She gives him a small smile and watches him take a seat, putting an umbrella on the floor. She figured if Matt had used her and cheated on his girlfriend with her, she might as well own up to the title. And who cared, she'd just enjoy these moments she had with Chris and when it came to it; she would let him go.

Once, Chris had opened up to her and admitted that the relationship wasn't working, and he'd been thinking of ending it. Jackie wondered if he still felt the same way now and asked him if he was still thinking of breaking up with his long-distance girlfriend.

"I can't break up with her without her doing anything wrong", he told her.

 "I understand. Take your time".

Chris had been lying to Jackie about the status of his relationship since days after his dad's birthday party. Last night he realized he'd made the right decision about not telling her that she'd broken up with him because she'd called him, just as he had expected, saying she was sorry. That she'd do better. Now he found himself on the fence. He could choose to stay here with Jackie, enjoy the comfort and ease she brings into his life. Or he could go back to what he knows best. 

"Jackie, I still like her", The words were out of his mouth before he could filter them.

The world became still for her, she looked out the window of the cafe and focused on the children playing and the people walking outside. She focused on the raindrops falling on the glass window. The mall was busier than most days, despite the constant rain they'd been getting in the past few days. There were shouts coming from outside and she looked out to see football lovers standing up and cheering at a possible goal.

At this point she couldn't figure out who was hot or cold or warm anymore. Somehow, they were all in this game wanting to walk out with the satisfaction of having had hurt someone. Somehow, they were all confused and each other's rebounds, it was such a sad scene to watch. About a year ago, she'd left Matthew's house because he had used her and now here she was sitting opposite Chris, somehow back to start.

"I don't know how to choose between the two of you".

"It's okay", It's not okay. "Choose her, I will be okay", she tells him and looks away, so he doesn't get a glimpse of the tears in her eyes. So, she doesn't feel like she's losing once more.

He sighs loudly but doesn't say anything until moments later when he says, "We'll figure this out". She smiles at him because they both know there's really nothing to figure out.

He's lying this time, and she is taking it because she wants to entertain the thought that he's still hers. That they will get through this and figure it all out. As they walk back to the car, and he drops her off minutes later and their lips linger on each other in a hesitant goodbye she's sure there's nothing between them anymore. That whatever will happen next will happen with them being something very much less and different from what there were right now.

Over the next few days, his girlfriend had now become a ghost that kept her up at night. Like a stain that just wouldn't go away no matter how much you scrub the floor. A stain that makes the hair on your arm stand and your skin itch just from looking at it. She constantly wondered what kind of person she was. Was she pretty? Did she have her life figured out? Saving the world maybe? She longed to know all these questions even though she knew they would do nothing for her.

They hadn't been speaking for days when one day Chris came to her house looking rather stressed and unsettled. She hadn't even greeted him when he said "I don't know how to love. I don't love you and I don't love her either".

She was a few feet from him and as though she had been prepared, she walked over to a chair and sat down. When she was seated, she patted the chair next to her and asked him to sit with her. He obliged and when he started to scratch the back of his head, she was scared he'd take it all back and retreat his words and lie to her. He'd already said what he felt, there was no need to take the words back. He'd made up his mind.

"I don't think I'm ever going to love my wife one day. I've seen too much to ever love anyone and right now I just want to be alone", he went on.

She nodded as she looked somewhere into the night, it seemed to be the only thing one could do when you're being told you're unwanted like this.

"You're really cute, you know that", she told him and watched as a sad smile spread over his face. It seemed to be the only thing she could say when the wind had picked up and the air was suffocating around them. When there was too much distance than she was used to between them, and he wasn't the guy who'd text her right after spending time with her to tell her he had a nice time or nice talk.

In her defense, telling him he was good-looking eased the pain of not being chosen, of not being liked back. It made her feel better about the fact that she liked him for more than his good looks. It made it seem like his good looks and physical appearance was the only thing she'd seen and hadn't actually chosen him over Ashton because he was Christian. It felt safer to lean into absurd compliments rather than being honest and saying you're hurting me. Because hurt was inevitable, and pain wasn't picky on its next victim.

"I don't see it, only you see it".

When he left, she cried, couldn't control the wave of emotion that swept through her as soon as he had left. The only words one could hear between the stifled crying, were the word I'm sorry being said repeatedly like a mantra. To whom? No one would ever know...