Prelude to kisses

Chapter 18

She's back home, probably eight or so climbing trees with her cousins. This is something she's good at. Her older cousin is higher up above her, a deep purple color paint his lips, teeth and tongue. He's sitting effortlessly on the mulberry branch, eating the wild berry. They are so dark and ripe above him she wants to be up there with him. She wants to prove to him how good she's become at climbing trees.

She takes a miscalculated step; a dry branch is heard as it breaks off of the tree and the fall is prominent, she'd never forget it. And just like that she's falling. She remembers the look of horror on her cousin's face. Her breath catches in her throat at the feeling of falling into a void. She has nothing to hold on to, only this darkness and endless fall. Only this endless pull down to the ground.

"Jacqueline".

It's that voice, his voice. The way he calls her name, the way each letter feels coming out of his mouth. She's suffocated by him, by his scent and suddenly she's unafraid of the fall. Suddenly she trusts he'll catch her even when she can't see him. Just knowing he is there is enough for her to loosen the grip of control.

"Jacquline".

He calls her again. She murmurs something and stirs, it's so hard to open her eyes but she fights it. She fights the black cloud in her eyes for a chance to see him. A chance to look at his face, and maybe hold his cheek in her palm. She misses that and her hand burns to touch him like she used to. The light shake he gives her on her shoulder brings her back to consciousness but when she opens her eyes it's not Matthew looking back it her.

Jossie's eyes were wide with concern as she looked at Jackie, her hands lightly griping her shoulders. Tears were streaming down her face, and she felt a thud of pain make its way into her heart, "Are you okay?" she asked

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I was having a bad dream".

"You were crying in your sleep".

"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" Confusion was quickly replaced by shame as she looked away from Jossie.

"No, I just got out of the shower. You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I must have been tired".

The sun is shining brightly, she can feel the scorching heat through the open window. The weather forecast said there would be a heatwave for a week at most.

Jossie nodded before going back to doing her skincare, "Will you be okay on your own? I work until late afternoon".

"Yeah sure, I need to go apartment hunting anyway".

"Oh, I'm off the day after tomorrow, we could hunt apartments together".

"That'd mean a lot".

Jossie leaves a few minutes later, leaving her with only memories of Matt, hitting her. Reminding her she was still the same, still very much in love with him. For the last few months, she'd forgotten about him, Christian had done that. He'd helped her forget about him and she thought that meant she was over him. This proved her wrong. This dream made her realize she was still in the same place.

She got up from the bed then, searching through her bag hungrily for her book and pen. She sat back on the bed and started writing. She had all these things, all these memories she was relieving in her head, some real but most just a fragment of her imagination and no one to tell. She couldn't sit him down and tell him she was still not over him. That a good amount of time had gone by, and she had even dated someone else after him, yet she still missed him like it was only yesterday when she walked out of his house. That she thought about him at the most unexpected times. That she was financially stable now, had almost gotten into a relationship and yet her heart remained stuck on him.

She couldn't reach him on his phone because with the last text she'd sent him, the last text he had responded with an I'm sorry only ended with his number blocked and deleted from her phone. Now she wanted his numbers back, she wanted him to know she still missed him dearly. Jackie wanted to have a heart to heart with him even if nothing came of it. She wanted him to kiss her shoulder and tell her it was all okay. That he was always going to be hers.

She had no business doing this but latter into the day she found herself calling Angie and asking for his number. Now she had his number again in her phone, looking at his profile picture. He's in his work uniform with his hand over his colleague's shoulder, smiling into the camera. For some reason she'd hoped he'd be unhappy without her. That he was doing just as horribly as she was but looking at this picture, it didn't seem like it.

Every time she looked at her phone's screen and his smiling eyes looked back at her; she took a swing of alcohol. She was now sitting at a bar just close to Jossie's place. It was practically empty at this time of the day which was perfect. Far to the left, a man in his thirties was sitting alone drinking slowly, she looked at him for a while, her mind going over all the things she could do with him. They were both drunk at this point, and she knew that if she approached him, reason would probably fall out the window and he'd take her home and make her forget all about what went on in her head right now. He'd make her forget all thoughts of Matt even if it's just for a few minutes. He held the power to make it all go away. She was close to tears as she thought about it.

She regrettably looked back at her drink and forced herself to get up from the bar, taking her bag and phone before staggering out into the daylight. The sun hit her face, and she had an urge to throw up. From here, she could see Jossie's house. She staggered back home, unlocking the door and throwing herself on the bed. She felt courageous now, like she could actually talk to Matthew. Tell him she missed him, that she still scared. That she wanted him back and she could forget he had a girlfriend and be with him, she would choose to be unreasonable just to have him back. And who knew, maybe they had already broken up and he missed her just as much.

Hi, she sends the first text.

Hey, the response came almost immediately. He still had her number. He knew who he was talking to.

I miss you, she texted.

There was no response now and later she found herself typing furiously on the screen. Pressing any letter that her fingers could press. Everything went black after that. She woke up the next day, feeling tired with a massive headache. She was covered with a blanket and looked to her left to find Jossie sound asleep. She found her phone on the nightstand. The memories of the previous day hit her. It came back in flashes, and she rushed to unlock her phone. Finding her chats with Matt she realized she couldn't even understand half the things she had been trying to say. Reading them sober, she realized just how broken she was, she was beyond repair. At this point nothing could fix her, she was too far gone. So much had happened, she had done so much too herself and allowed too much to be done to her there was no coming from this. It felt like there was no healing in her path.

She had wanted to make Matt aware that he'd hurt her, that she was still hurting from what he'd done, she wanted to make him feel guilty for a pain she played a part in inflicting. And he hadn't seemed to care and that broke her apart. She found herself crying again. She found herself rushing to the bathroom so as to not wake Jossie up. He hadn't responded to any of her drunk texts. He had just gone mute while she poured her heart on the screen. It was clear as day now. He didn't want her. He wanted to live his life without the thought of her and she had to do the same for herself if she wanted to stay sane.