Prelude to kisses

Chapter 2

Days after Matthew had left her house, it came to her that she couldn't do it with him. They were in two different places in their lives. He had it all together and she hadn't quite figured it out yet. For three days after he left her house, Jackie had tried to convince herself otherwise, but the information Angie had shared with her recently about Matthew's possible promotion to manager hadn't sat well with her.

It put things into perspective. Who was she to think she could ever have a chance with a guy like that. A man who had things going for himself when she didn't even have any form of employment, and her only source of living was her mom. She had dropped out of school two years ago and had no plans of going back. It made her insecure, even being in close proximity with him was just an added reminder of how different they were. 

He might have been four years older than her, and she had time to catch up, but it just didn't feel right. It felt as though she was dragging him down to her level instead. Besides, after her previous relationship with Jay, the boy who had almost taken her life, she didn't think she had anything serious to offer. He'd stripped her off of who she was, and she was still getting up on her feet. As she thought deeply into it, she realized she wanted nothing permanent and everything temporary. She wanted to walk into doors and have the freedom to walk out at any point. 

Jackie worked up the courage to tell Matthew of this. He'd asked her, "Are you sure?"

In that moment, she came to the realization of how unsure she was. She liked him, very much so, but she was a mess and her feelings for him couldn't and wouldn't sustain them. He didn't seem to have a place in her life just as she didn't have a place in his. But the thing that made her mad was that he was cool, a little indifferent and super laid back. He was too matured. He gave her space when all she wanted was to be smothered by him. Maybe it was the cause of their age difference. 

"Yes", she had replied.

It only took two weeks after their breakup for her to realize how much she actually liked him. How attracted to him she was. When she imagined herself saying I love you to someone it was his face she saw. Not Jay to whom she had said those words countless of times without stopping to think about what they meant. Not even her first boyfriend who she thought she'd be with forever because he had been her first. 

Jackie had been home during that time, taking care of her nieces and nephews when her paternal grandmother was hospitalized. She didn't know though, as she took the bus back home that in a few weeks they'd be putting her grandmother to rest. That in less than an hour after they bring her home from the hospital, she'd leave them. That the glass of water her identical sister helped her take a sip from would be her last. 

As people moved around for the next three funeral days, her true feelings for Matthew became as clear as day. It was such an inappropriate time to come to that realization, but maybe that's what had solidified it for her. Or better yet, made it clearer for her because the feelings had always been there since the first day they met. 

When she took the bus back this time, she didn't care about being a school dropout or even being unemployed, this time she was sure she could and would do it for him. And seeing him made her unafraid. She hadn't known then though, as he smiled back at her that when you let someone go, even if you get them back, they won't be the same. 

==

After getting back together, they barely saw each other, with work and everything except through texts which didn't come as regularly as she would have liked.

When Matthew got an off day, he asked Jackie to visit, she happily agreed. She had missed him and hadn't seen him since he was at her house. Because it was really late when they got there, she didn't get to see much of his house but noticed that only the kitchen, bathroom and his bedroom was finished while the rest of the house was still under construction. She was proud of him in that sense, it couldn't have been easy or cheap to build a house from the ground up. He led her into his room, and she took off her clothes to head to bed, she asked for his shirt to sleep in and learned that he slept with socks on.