Prelude to kisses

Chapter 41

It had just turned six when she woke. Chloe slept comfortably in the crook of her arm; her warm breath fanned her face when she placed a kiss on her forehead. She slowly untangled herself from Chloe's grip and softly walked to the kitchen. Loura was in her work uniform, pouring coffee into her coffee mug before taking a sip. A lunch bag sat on the kitchen counter, Jackie opened it before closing it again and facing her little sister.

It was as though just yesterday; she was a kid running to their mom to tell on her. Jackie smiled as she remembered Loura's deep voice she had when she was little. It had disappeared now somewhere along the way because now her voice was very soft and quiet and very smooth.

"You sleep okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, you're up early", Jackie noted.

"Yeah, I have an early shift today and well into next week. I made breakfast and packed some of Chloe's cloths. I know she has at your place, but oh well", She shrugged.

"You didn't need to, its why I'm here".

"I appreciate you doing this", Loura told her sister.

"She's my daughter too", Jackie reminded.

"Have you spoken to mom lately?" Loura asked

"Two days ago. It slips my mind sometimes".

"I didn't tell her about Chloe's appendix, I didn't want her to worry", Loura told her sister.

"Chloe is perfectly fine, there's no need to worry her, besides you know how she gets".

"Well, I need to get to work now. I don't think I will be able to visit you guys in the next few days. I have an assignment and work; I barely have a few hours to spare for myself", Loura was already at the door.

Jackie stood up and walked her out of the building and before her little sister got in the car she said, "I heard you went to see Mathew".

Jackie was ready to lie when she sighed and said, "And?"

"I thought you were over him. Have you ever thought that maybe you are soul tide to him?" 

"What? That's just ridiculous".

"Well, just food for thought".

Jackie watched her sister drive off. She stood there for a minute before going back inside. Chloe was out of bed, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. "Hey you're awake. How do you feel?" she picked her up and settled her on her waist.

"I'm hungry", her voice was so angelic. She wasn't fully awake yet and the first thing she wanted was food. Jackie let the corner of her mouth quip up in a small smile before plating their breakfast. By noon, they were packed and ready to take to drive to her apartment where Chloe would be living with her until Loura was done with exams for the year.

==

Jackie had only been gone for two minutes when she left her paperwork on the coffee table where she'd been working when she went into the bathroom. The sight that greeted her when she came back however stopped her in her tracks. She had left Chloe playing with her coloring book, but now she was sitting where Jackie had been sitting. Her papers where now colored with reds, yellow and blues. A wave of anger washed over her, and she kneeled beside Chloe and grabbed her by the arms, so she was facing her. Chloe's eyes quickly filled with tears; Jackie slowly let her arm go. It was the worst moment of her life. Having someone so small and innocent look into her eyes with fear and pain when in the past, every time they'd locked eyes, she'd found so much love and adoration there.

No word formed, she felt like a big monster in that moment, she walked out into her room and closed the door behind her. When she looked in the mirror, she couldn't quite look at herself the same again. It didn't matter how important those papers were, she should have put them in a safe place or somewhere Chloe couldn't reach instead of taking out her anger on a child. She was crying now, because when Chloe was born, she wanted to be everything she never had when she was growing up. She wanted to give Chloe a listening ear, a safe place to cry and a place where she could just be a child, but now; in a second, she'd done opposite and there was a possibility that Chloe would never be okay around her again. Guilt ate at her, she didn't know what to do now.

She couldn't turn back the time, she could only stand there and let the moment play over and over in her head. Chloe's eyes glossy haunted her, and she tightly closed her eyes. Standing up now, she decided to walk out there and be the adult she needed to be. She didn't want to scare Chloe any more than she already had. When she walked back into the sitting room, Chloe was still crying quietly. She hadn't moved from her spot where Jackie had left her.

Without saying a word, she took her into her arms and scattered little kisses in her hair, whispering soft apologies, "I'm sorry, I will never do that again. It's not okay for adults to act that way".

She was telling her younger self as much as she was telling Chloe. It felt an important massage to say to one's younger self as well as the little ones one had in front of them. Chloe had never been an adult, she had no idea what was important, much less knew what the word meant, but she had once been a child. She had once gotten in trouble for touching things she wasn't supposed to, so it was up to her to be kinder and softer when handling these types of situations. She cradled the little girl until she fell asleep. From then on, she wanted to be better she wanted to be a better mom and become better equipped to handle such situations and raise Chloe the way she wished she had been raised.

That's probably how she ended up with a psychologist a week later. She had no idea though, that her traumas ran deeper than just her childhood. Sitting on that couch with the older woman felt like having someone searching through you for things you had long buried...