Prelude to kisses

Chapter 29

Jackie knew she'd done something stupid even before she opened her eyes and became fully awake. As soon as she sat up on her bed, the memories of last night came rushing to her. She groaned and pulled the sheets over her head. She should be ashamed, how could she have taken advantage of him having been there for her, keeping her safe while she got drunk.

When she arrived to work an hour later, she contemplated going into his office. She knew she would have to face him and apologize at some point anyway, so she walked in. Blessing and Lennette were not in yet and he sat behind his desk typing away on his computer. Would he hold it against her? Would their relationship ever be the same or had she tainted it by getting drunk and for a second seeing him as someone he wasn't?

"Hey", she said nervously.

"Morning", he said, without taking his eyes off of the computer screen.

"I'm sorry about last night. I shouldn't have kissed you; it was completely inappropriate".

She was still standing close to the door, unsure of where her place was in his life right now. That was the thing about Lee. He was so quick to cut people off. He hadn't had many friends, whenever he felt like someone disrespected him, he was quick to point it out to them and even distance himself. That's one of the reasons he was unafraid to love, because he knew he can always let them go at whatever point.

"I told you not to drink Jackie. I really thought we were over that", He sighed before looking up to meet her eyes. He intertwined his fingers in front of her, like the doctor he was, he gave her a serious look and continued as though he was giving her a diagnosis. "Listen, I know I didn't stop you, but that's because I trusted you enough to stop".

"I don't know why you have so much faith in me. Why do you trust me when I've done everything to prove you otherwise", She was getting mad at him, mad at herself.

It was pointless, she realized especially because he was looking at her like that again. Like he knew she'd come around anyway and see reason. Like he knew her more than she knew herself. Like they came from the same womb.

She closed her eyes and said, "I'm sorry. You're right, I just... needed it I guess".

"You don't need it, Jackie. What if I were someone else? You were so wasted I could have easily taken advantage of you? Do you know how many women and girls wake up the next morning with nothing on them, only an ache between their legs telling them something had happened to them, something they have no memory of?" He said in a harsher tone.

She was on the verge of tears now. He had never spoken to her so harshly. She wondered of all the things he had seen. She wanted to go back to that and cuddle him. She wanted to cure him from all the horror that lived in his head. But she knew, a part of her knew because she had gone through it herself. She wanted to run from herself. He was the reason she was still sane, still waking up in the morning and coming to work. Looking at him, noticing the anger in his eyes, the concern there, she felt a ton worse. Why did she keep fucking it up? Over and over again as if she was the only one with problems.

But again, Lee had no idea of the things that lived in her head. Last night, it wasn't him she'd kissed but someone else. She couldn't tell him this because he'd never understand. Maybe he did and she didn't want to believe that he could. What of her excuse of him not understanding her if he did ultimately understand exactly what she felt. What excuse would she conjure up then to make herself feel better about the ugly things she did to herself to deal with it?

"I'm not drinking again, I promise", She told him and slowly she watched the anger dissipate from his face. She wasn't making it easy for him, and she hated that. She wanted to be better for him.

"Come on, I will buy you coffee. You need it", He stood up, grabbing his coat and putting it over his shoulders. She smiled and let him lead the way into a nearby cafe.

As they walked, she took his hand in hers and told him, "I love you, you know that".

"I know you're trying Jackie, but I need you to try a little harder for me, okay?"

"Okay", she leaned into him. She felt safe here. It was new, strange, but oddly she liked it. She wanted to see where it led them to. What destination it led her to. She felt like she was pushed into the wilderness a little too soon, too fast and yet she felt ready to let herself go. He'd have her, catch her, she thought as she sat from across him and let him order her coffee and sandwich.

As they waited for their food, Lee heard himself say, "Last night made me realize something. It made me realize that I wasn't ready to move on. I felt this pressure to find someone and start a relationship but I'm now certain I don't want it".

Jackie smiled until it dawned on her, "It must have been awful being kissed by me", she said teasingly.

He didn't agree, nor did he disagree. Just laughed. That lighthearted laugh that told her he still wanted to be stuck on his ex for some more time.