TW: Homophobia
Anxiety
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Y/N's POV
"Would you like to ask me a question now?"
Emily's calm voice breaks the silence that has spread between us for a few minutes.
It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, more like the peaceful calm after a storm of emotions, the moment when tension, fear and worry are replaced by relief and tiredness.
After I cried on her chest, a feeling of embarrassment had flowed through my body for a brief moment, but Emily kissed me on the forehead and wrapped her arm around me so that I could lean into her embrace.
As if she had sensed that I was ashamed of my feelings, she silently made sure that I physically felt her hold and support.
I missed the feeling of her warmth so close to me.
For a while we looked at the lake in silence, watching as dusk slowly enveloped the place in darkness, broken only by the flickering lights of the candles on the lake.
"I... it's stupid..." I start stuttering and tugging at the bandage on my wrist.
Emily puts her hand on mine and intertwines our fingers to stop mine from tugging.
"Say it, Y/N. We're alone. It's Just us." She says calmly and squeezes my hand lovingly.
I feel her gaze on me, but actually it doesn't make me nervous, instead it calms me down immediately.
I snuggle closer into her embrace and return the pressure with my hand, as if in silent response to her encouragement.
Still, I don't dare to look up as I whisper my question so quietly that probably no one heard it.
"Do you believe in... hell?"
Emily is silent and I feel like I can hear her heartbeat and her thoughts racing.
I stay in my position, staring at our intertwined hands and trying not to let it show how difficult this question was for me.
"Well, I mean, do you think that we...that we're going to hell...because of me?"
I try to express my concern more clearly and feel my voice breaking.
Emily moves a little and I sit up straight, without taking my eyes off our hands.
"Y/N, do you believe that?" she asks calmly and there is no reproach or condemnation in her voice, just sadness.
I exhale shakily and feel the tears burning in my eyes, which I blink away angrily.
"No, I mean...I ...don't want to believe it.
But what if...what if..." A quiet sob leaves my lips and, ashamed, I bury my face in my hands and try to collect myself.
"I'm afraid it's true." I sigh quietly, without taking my hands off my face.
"I don't, my love.
I believe in the good things. And love is a good thing."
Emily gently grabs my wrists and places my hands in my lap, then cups my face with hers and raises my gaze.
"But the pastor said that two women aren't allowed to love each other...that that's not real love."
I sob and my heart pounds in my chest, driving the feeling of guilt and shame through my veins with every beat.
"...and Anna said that...that I'll go to hell if I keep feeling like that..."
Emily's gaze remains on me, my pain is reflected in her dark eyes, but she lets me speak and listens to me patiently.
"...and...I still feel like that...every part of me loves you, Em. I don't think, I don't think that this feeling will change and that means that I'm lost..."
Tears are now shining in Emily's dark eyes too, her thumbs stroke my heated cheeks and a small smile plays around her lips, as she answers.
YOU ARE READING
I See you, Y/N. (Emily Prentiss X Reader)
Fanfiction"I'm living in hell. At least that's how it feels. But it's okay because I don't know any different. You can get used to anything if you think it's meant to be." Y/n is living her life in the hell of her childhood home until the BAU frees her. After...
