I See you, Y/N. (Emily Prentiss X Reader)

-34- part of the truth

TW: Panic/Anxiety
        Depression/ Selfharm/ ED
        Talking about Suicide/ Mental Health
       (Case related)
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Y/N's POV

As soon as JJ has parked the car, I open the door without saying a word and hurry into the police station, limping.
My knee hurts with every single step and little dots dance in front of my eyes.
Nevertheless, I only slow down when I reach the conference room where Tara, Luke and Rossi are already sitting.
Emily is standing with her back to me, discussing something with the police chief.
Unnoticed by her, I drop into a chair and try to blink away the tears that are still burning in my eyes.
I breathe slowly and in a controlled way until my circulation has calmed down and I can see clearly again.
My knee stings and throbs from the strain and the rest of my leg feels numb.

This is not good.

At that moment, JJ appears, she sits down on the chair next to me and her eyes study me intensely and doubtfully as she wordlessly puts my crutch next to me.

Is she angry or worried?

She is about to say something when Emily turns to us.
The police chief leaves the room with a greeting and closes the door behind him.
A brief, gentle smile crosses Emily's face when she sees me, then she switches to an official tone and begins the meeting.

She reports that the guidance counselor wasn't really helpful, it seems most students didn't really talk to him and he didn't show any particular commitment.
So if a student had problems, he would probably be the last to know.

While Rossi and Luke talk about their rather unspectacular visit to the school, I try to forget the conversation with JJ.
But her words echo through my head and a deep, dark feeling of guilt gnaws at me.

I have taken up so much space with my problems, it's not fair.
I need to pull myself together more.
JJ needs my support now, she's not well.

My hand automatically finds my forearm and I underline my intention with my fingernails.
The familiar stabbing pain helps me to concentrate on the essentials.

That JJ and Emily are okay.

"Did you hear anything new from Stellas mother?" Emily asks, tearing me out of my thoughts.
I jump and let go of my arm, feeling caught.
JJ also seems to be thinking about something completely different, her gaze rested doubtfully on me and she looks up, somewhat surprised, when Emily speaks to us.

"The mother didn't even know her daughter.
She told us about her daughter who was a sports enthusiast and had no problems with anyone, but we have completely different information from the school," JJ begins.
"According to the school, she was a shy student who had few social contacts, but a great passion for the theater. Her mother played down this passion as just a phase," she adds.

Then everyone looks at me and waits for my psychological assessment.
"I think Stella had big problems, not at school, but at home.
She was a completely different person than her mother wanted her to be and I would assume that this constant pretending destroyed her.
She was never allowed to be who she wanted to be.
Maybe that's why she loved acting so much. On stage she could be whoever she wanted to be.”
I take a deep breath so that my voice doesn’t shake so much and my gaze is fixed on the table in front of me as I say: “When your own mother constantly makes you feel like you’re not good enough, that you don’t meet her expectations of a daughter, it leaves wounds that don’t heal.
I think Stella couldn’t take it anymore.”