I See you, Y/N. (Emily Prentiss X Reader)

-41- a Team

TW: mention of Selfharm, Trauma, ED

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Three Weeks later
Y/N's POV

I put my hands together, form a bowl and hold them under the running tap.
Then I lift them up and splash the water on my face.
It's cold and everything inside me stops for a moment.

It feels amazingly good.
I didn't think it would work so well.

I repeat this several times until the urge inside me subsides.
Relief spreads through me and makes the darkness recede a little.
I turn the water off, wipe my face dry with the scratchy paper towel and hold on to the edge of the sink for a moment while I examine my reflection in the mirror.
My eyes are red and slightly puffy from crying and I look pale.

I look how I feel.
Broken, tired, weak, overwhelmed.
Anxious.
Whatever, can't be changed right now.

I sigh, squint my eyes and massage my temples briefly, then I leave the washroom.
I glance at Dr. Grahams Door, behind whom the next patient is pouring out his heart, and I leave the practice.
My stomach is rumbling and the familiar nausea is rising in me.

After every conversation with Dr. Graham,
I feel exhausted, agitated and somehow strange.
At the same time, a nausea spreads through me every time, which makes it difficult to eat.

Dr. Graham said that was normal at first.
Of course it feels strange to talk to a stranger about your most intimate thoughts and feelings.
Especially because I learned very early on that it is dangerous to talk about your feelings.

It is normal that my body reacts like that.
It is normal that everything inside me is screaming that therapy is not a good idea.
My urge to deal with problems differently is louder than ever.
It doesn't feel normal.

But it doesn't feel bad either.
The nausea gives me an excuse not to eat so much.
An excuse that everyone accepts because it is surely only temporary.
But I don't tell anyone that I like it, that I'm glad I don't have to eat.
I can maintain a little bit of control that way.

Sometimes I have the feeling that Dr. Graham knows that. The way she looks at me when we talk about food makes me suspicious.
She looks like she understands me, not in the typical therapist way, but on a deeper level.
That's why I want to avoid the subject as much as possible.

I actually just wanted to talk about the bare essentials from the start and keep my really dark thoughts to myself, but I trust Dr. Graham.
We got on wonderfully from the start.
She is about five years older than me, has a calm, gentle way of speaking and manages to make her silence not seem overwhelming or uncomfortable.

Today was my fourth appointment with her.
We are slowly running out of the nice, easy topics to get to know each other and we are turning to the dark, painful things.

The reasons why I am with her in the first place.

And it doesn't feel as threatening as I thought.
In fact, I have told her things that I never thought I would ever be able to say.
Her calm manner makes me feel like I can talk about anything.