I See you, Y/N. (Emily Prentiss X Reader)

-3- a Broken Person

TW: ED( restricted Eating/ fainting)      Selfharm (thoughts about relapsing)
Trauma - Response
Anxiety
  
                                                                     
                                                                   
I can't really remember how I got home.
The conversation with the BAU team was exhausting and I could barely stand on my feet when I finally reached my apartment.
I locked my front door twice and put the chair in front of it, then walked my usual rounds through the Apartment. I checked all the windows and closed the curtains, went into each room and turned on the lights. Finally I could relax.

I sat down on the floor behind my bed, pulled my knees up to my upper body, and rested my head on them. I made myself very small and tried to breathe as quietly as possible.
A habit from the past, that still gives me comfort and security today.

You've made a huge mistake. I will find you and you will have to pay for it. You know the punishment.

Why can't I get that voice out of my head? She hasn't been this loud in years. I thought it was over. And now it felt like I'm still in the house.
Everything feels dark and cold and desolate.
I heard my stomach growling, but I knew I could't eat anything today.

You have to earn food, you lazy thing. Do you think you deserve to eat for betraying your family?

I slowly got up and made my way to the bathroom. I wanted to shower and wash away the day, but I couldn't do that today. Just the thought made me panic.

I'm really a broken person.

I took off my blazer and blouse, followed by my pants and socks.
I hold a washcloth under water and sat down on the edge of the shower tub. I rubbed my legs and stomach, my hands and stopped at my thighs. I ran the washcloth over the scars that have accumulated there. They are all healed now. I stopped and just looked at the scars, at the collection of bad moments that are forever immortalized in my body.
And suddenly the desire is back. The desire to punish me before she could.

If I do it myself, the dragon is usually happy and leaves me alone. If I do it myself, it doesn't hurt as much.

I threw the washcloth into the sink, got up and quickly put on a sweater and sweatpants. Then I rush out of the bathroom, as if I could just leave this thought in the room.

I walked anxiously through the apartment a few times, from the bedroom to the kitchen, to the living room. I checked the front door and walked back the same way. After the fifth time I'm so exhausted that I just couldn't go any further. Back at the bedroom, I reached under the bed and pulled out the small gray box. It's a bit dusty. A familiar smell wafts towards me, as I lift the lid . I lie down on the bed, the box in my arms and with the familiar smell in my nose I drift into a dark dream.

Four days later

A knock on my door breaks me out of my trance. I've been lying on the bed, staring at the curtain for days. I've only gotten up to have a drink and go to the toilet. Everything felt like a dream.

I don't know what time it is or what day.

I felt nothing, I thought nothing.
I knew this situation all too well.
I knew I should fight it, but I didn't have the strength.

I don't know if I even want to fight.

There's another knock and I slowly sit up. My head feels heavy and my eyes are dry. I lift myself up and everything in front of my eyes goes black. Little dots dance in my field of vision, reminding me that I haven't eaten in a long time.
I take a few steps and hope that my circulation starts again. When I got to the front door, I could see properly again, there are only a few dancing dots in the corners of my eyes, that I simply ignore.