I See you, Y/N. (Emily Prentiss X Reader)

-37- a place to mourn

TW: Anxiety, panic (panic attack)
Religious trauma
Mention of bullying
Mention of Suicide
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Emily's POV

When I wake up, Y/N is gone.
I sit up and fear spreads through me at lightning speed.
My breathing becomes more hectic and everything inside me contracts.

Where is she?
Is she okay?
Has she left me?

I run my hands over my face and try to wipe away the worries, but they hold onto my heart, squeezing it.
I try to breathe calmly, like I usually do for her, but it doesn't help.
Everything inside me feels tense and my thoughts race about all the things that could have happened to her.

I pull my knees up and lay my head on them, making myself small and hoping that the moment will pass.
Even though panic attacks are nothing new to me, this one feels different, more serious.

I want to cry, but I can't, I want to scream or lash out, but I'm paralyzed, sitting huddled on the bed.
Forced to think of all the terrible things that have happened and that could still happen,
I just try not to lose my mind.

This will pass.
It's all good.

I squint my eyes and try to think of nice things.

Of Y/N's smile, of the way she cuddles with Sergio.
Of the girls' nights with Penelope, JJ and Tara.
Of Y/N's lips on mine.

But the dark images keep coming back, stealing the shine and color from the nice memories.

"Oh, darling." I suddenly hear her familiar voice and after a few steps she is there, sits behind me and wraps me in her arms.
She hugs me, rocks us gently back and forth while she talks to me.
"Emily, calm down, I'm here. I'm here. Everything is fine."
Slowly my breathing calms down again and her scent envelops me, giving me a feeling of security.
"I thought... I thought you were... gone."
I say and shame makes my face blush.

I have to be the strong one after all.
I have to look after her, not the other way around.
She can't see me like this.

But it feels so nice.

I lift my head and lean it against her shoulder while she places kisses on my temple.
"I was just downstairs and got us both some coffee. Did you think I just ran off?"
She replies quietly, sounding genuinely worried.

"I'm sorry." I say, ashamed.
I don't know why my body is reacting so violently.
There were so many logical explanations why she could have been gone, getting coffee was one.
But my head immediately assumed the worst.

"You don't have to be sorry, Em. It's nice when I can be there for you."
She says with a smile and hugs me.
"You're doing really well." I tease her lovingly and wrap my hands around her arms, which are resting over my shoulder.

"I learned from the best."
She says, laughing, and I turn around in her arms to look directly at her.
My eyes flick back and forth between her eyes and her lips, then she leans forward and kisses me gently.
I melt away and feel all the panic in my body give way to warm, bright love.

"Better?" She asks as we pull apart and I nod as the blush rises to my cheeks.
I slide onto the bed next to her and lean into her open arm, enjoying the comfort she is offering me right now.
She reaches for the coffee she has placed on the nightstand with one hand and hands it to me.
I take a grateful sip as she reaches for her own mug.