Before He Met Her

Chapter Thrity One - Thomas's Journal Entry

  It's been about a month since I tried to escape this place, and I've done a lot of thinking since then. Hilary got released from the hospital a couple of days ago, and I honestly miss her so much it hurts. I realize now that whatever we were, doesn't matter anymore because I probably won't ever see her again anyways.

  My Roomate and I have been trying out some new exercises together. He's been trying his best to help me get my mind off of Hilary. I've also been trying out different coping mechanisms to deal with the stress of my eating disorder. Since I'm no longer allowed to use the restroom unsupervised, I can't really make myself vomit anymore.

  My parents sort of required me to have someone with me at all times when I'm going to the restroom. It's mainly due to the fact that I've been relapsing with the self induced vomiting so many times. It's still so hard to eat without wanting to get rid of everything without feeling guilty.

   I'm still not allowed to see the number on the scale when they've been weighing me. But... I'm told that I have been making progress and that if I keep following the rules here and if I continue to keep eating almost regularly along with snacks then I just might be able to go home soon.

  I want nothing more than to be able to leave this place and go back to my old life. But I realize now that after everything I've been through I can never go back to my old life because, mainly everyone that I know is going to see and treat me so much differently.

  My parents are also forbidding me to go back to wrestling as well as any other type of sport that they think will cause me to spiral out of control again. I kind of understand why they feel that way but also, I wished that they would let me do normal teenage things without them constantly focusing on my eating disorder all of the time.

  But honestly journal I really do hope that they're going to come to the decision very soon on whether I stay or leave this place. I've made a few friends here, and even ended up having a girlfriend as well for a little while. I'm just really hoping that someday I can eventually go back to wrestling or some kind of sport, because I really do enjoy doing athletic activities.

  But unfortunately I'm still not quite sure any one is going to allow that for quite some time. I'll miss my friends that I have here at this place, but I'm also eager to go back to my old life. I'm aware that I will probably be getting treated differently than before. And I'm just going to have to deal with it I guess, until they all see that I'm more than just the eating disorder that I have.

  I'm going to be honest about this one thing... I don't think it's going to be easy at first. I mean when I do leave this place. I've worked so hard to prove to them all that I'm ready to come home though.. and I'm just extremely grateful for everyone that's helped me out in some way. I'm not sure exactly when I'll go home but when I do, I know there are going to be many changes that I'm going to be forced to deal with.

  I mean my parents are divorced now so I'm going to have to eventually pick a permanent place to live. They haven't exactly discussed any of that with me yet but when they do, I think I'm going to have to have some time to think about it because it's not something that I can just give an easy yes or a no to.

  And school is going to be a little bit overwhelming because I've been out for so long. I almost don't want to go back at all. But I don't get a choice because of the circumstances & my parents don't want me getting anymore depressed than I already am because they mentioned several times that they refuse to let me just sit and stew in my room all day when I come home.

  Which them saying that totally pisses me off, they think if I eat and gain weight then they've fixed me. Which means I have to technically be on my best behavior until they come to the decision. I learned a lot of new habits from the nurses, therapist's and Doctors on how to deal with overwhelming emotions and how to handle them in a healthy way without harming your self or your body or health.

  As long as I keep everything up the way that I have been I can't see why they wouldn't let me come back home. And honestly I'm just hardly waiting for the day, but until then... I'll be writing in here on and off.