Diary

January 19, 2025

I sometimes hate my vivid dreams.

I often don't remember my dreams when I wake up, but when I do I feel very uncomfortable.

Most vivid dreams I can remember clearly are ones that forces me to jolt awake.

My most recent one is a dream that was so vividly detailed that it made me disgusted in my dreams. Which transfer to my reality self. I woke up with the urge to vomit and hated that I still had a clear image of what disgusted me in my head.

But my most common vivid dreams are what feels like sleep paralysis. I don't know if it actually is though.

At first, my self in the dream won't have any awareness that it is a dream. And most of the dreams are detailed settings of reality. Sometimes a made up place I don't know in reality but a familiar modern civilization.

Then there are real people.

I don't like to dream of real people or modern settings. But when I can't control my dreams and my self is unaware of the dream, I can't do anything about it.

I hate seeing real people I know and people I don't know.

But what's worse is that as the dream continues, I gradually regain self awareness.

Or more like... another self that is aware that everything is a dream while watch my unaware self in that dream.

I can even remember what my aware self thinks of my unaware self as it does certain action in my dream.

But that's all normal...

Until it always become creepy.

My aware self is still there but less obvious and the thinking and feeling of my unaware self becomes more prominent.

But that's what I hate about these types of vivid dreams. Because I felt real fear and helplessness from my unaware self.

Then slowly my two self blends as the dream progresses.

When the two become one, I subconsciously knew it was a dream but it was hard to wake up or escape.

I try to run away or fully wake up but I can't.

Because the settings are most often my familiar reality, the only way I knew subconsciously that it was still a dream is by two methods.

My whole surroundings is dark and creepy and seems paranormal.

Or something in my dream is distorted and different from reality.

That's the two clues that were always consistent in these dreams.

But what made me more unhappy when I wake up is something like phantom pain.

Without any damage to my real physical body. I wake up feeling the same pain as my dream.

Although not 100%. The feeling is almost 70-80%.

Fortunately the pain goes away quickly as my mind becomes clear from being awake and then I could finally open my eyes to fully prove the distinction between dream and reality.

This is as far as I can explain my feeling about vivid dreams.

Luckily these don't happen often.

But it also means I've never had a comfortable deep sleep.

I always fall asleep while actively trying to control my dreams. And as I fall deeper and relax my consciousness, I eventually just sleep until I wake up without remembering anything except the beginning dreams I created.