Diary

December 16, 2024

I can't get over the feeling of ridiculous when I hear someone close to me easily mentions dying or killing themselves.

It's not that I underestimate their meaning, but it hurts because I'm the one who truly wants to die.

I'm not saying I feel that way and others can't.

But I can feel it's different.

I say it while meaning it even though I'm alway afraid and try to suppress it but the feeling resurfaces sometimes.

While the one I hear it from just says it without really having a desire to die.

It feels so ridiculous...

Especially when it comes from my younger brother in pre-k.

He doesn't know the basic English taught in school but loves to watch YouTube all day.

He learns badly and repeats what he sees.

Not long ago he watched about shooting guns and started buying toy guns to shoot at his own family.

He learned curses and swears.

Now he mentions killing himself to a schoolmate at dismissal.

I don't even have to be there to know he doesn't even know or realize what's he truly saying.

He most likely said it to intimidate or something similar.

I know he gets bullied at school and I have to confront the school about it every time.

But even I can tell he's resistant to school but not to the point of suicide.

I'm not a good older sibling. Terrible and indifferent.

But can our mother not know or realize something wrong?

He messes around and causes trouble almost everyday while hugging his iPad and Nintendo switch!

During my childhood I didn't even get to play games.

I'm a little resentful but I understand that we had poor conditions. At least I had tv.

But it made me feel like an outcast going to school. I didn't know trends, culture, and language.

I could communicate normally but my vocabulary was very common.

I didn't even know supper meant dinner until I visited a neighbor friend in the evening.

I felt so lonely and sad when I came to realize...

Oh. Other families usually eat together don't they?

At home that never usually happens unless there's a feast. This happens maybe once or twice or three times a year.

...Putting all this together made me realize I'm very lonely.

Maybe I suppressed it for too long or it has become normal. I never felt anything was wrong.

But I'm lonely...

It made my news of love and romance morbid and influence by true love I always read on wattpad or manga.

There's a hollow feeling sometimes. It feels like hunger.

I'm full but there's an uneasy nauseating feeling that makes me want to vomit something out of my throat yet at the same time I felt hungry to eat something more.

I'm upset.

I'm very very upset right now...

I'm not crying but I feel like I should or want to.

Today... is not a very pleasant day.

The day is ruined for me and I'll feel that way for about a week.

I feel tired...