I suddenly feel disgusted by reading affectionate words from my sister.
Isn't weird?
But I can't help feeling repulsive and resistant.
Funny how the only few people I care about as family can make me feel so uncomfortable just by saying some caring and affectionate words.
I feel so cold hearted sometimes.
I have very little affection for those around me.
I actually feel more emotions for characters I read in a story.
What regrets are there to say?
An apology?
Is it pity?
Do you feel like you're to blame for my current self?
I don't know whether you had any part in it, but I know I'm mostly to blame.
My memories are so blurry that I can no longer remember the past. I just remember the despair and resentment I felt. The helplessness and pathetic anger and hatred.
I remember those feelings clearly and vividly.
And I held onto them with a grudge.
But I no longer remember the cause or reason for them.
So I no longer know who's to blame.
Whether it's you or me or anyone else.
I had lived in a daze for so long.
I'm just waiting to die.
No matter what illness I have or pain or problem. I don't want to go to the doctor.
Out of embarrassment or just wanting to die.
But this is a slow and painful process.
So I distracted myself everyday by living like a selfish parasite.
But what made you start sending me these affectionate words?
I don't feel any affection at all.
I feel like they're hypocritical.
Why?
Do you care about me now?
Do you think I'm mentally ill?
Yes. I am.
But so what?
Does it still matter?
I want to die!
Do you not understand?!
I feel miserable!
I feel like a victim! I want to selfishly blame someone!
I keep making excuses!
I'm a low life!
An ingrate!
What self-esteem?!
Such thing crumbled away long ago when I was a child and disappeared as I grew older.
Therapy?
Can I even be honest?
I'm a compulsive liar!
Do I want help?
Yes.
But at the same time no!
I'm a hypocrite...
I want one thing and the other.
I'm a greedy selfish bastard.
YOU ARE READING
Diary
RandomI want to write out my thoughts as honestly as possible and try not to lie like I always do. Maybe by being anonymous will make me stop being a liar. I think it's a bit late to say this after publishing for about a month but I should put a warning. ...
